Kisses from Heaven

goodbye blog

2007-03-24T12:55:00.000+08:00

No time to post here anymore, seeing how irregularly I update. Yet this blog shall still exist, for old time's sake, where past ruminations can be revisited.

Goodbye blog. I'll miss you.

psalm 121

2007-03-14T21:32:00.000+08:00

I am sunburnt. Face is peeling real bad. Have patches of pink skin on my forehead where the brown (dead) skin has peeled off. Eww. And I have to go to the family dinner tomorrow with a funny looking face. :(

Did econs the entire day today. Can't say I've understood/grasped absolutely everything. It's so hard to think like an economist. They don't think like normal people do. (Does that mean they're ABNORMAL? Haha! Okay bad joke.) That's why I'll never be one. (I'm sure my teacher would agree.)

Though I'm really kinda worried about CTs, there's still this peace inside of me. Took a 2++ hour break from studying to write a song today. That's quite a lot of time off from the books but I refuse to say that it was wasted. It's a reassurance of God's promise for me because the same verse keeps popping up in my mind. There're still some kinks and awkward points I have to work out, as always. But yes I know where my help comes from (Psalm 121). (:

Psalm 20:7

Some trust in chariots and some in horses,

but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.

find your wings

2007-03-14T13:15:00.000+08:00

Mark Harris - Find Your Wings
From the album The Line Between The Two

It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And If I never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow

Chorus:
I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories

(Chorus)

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly

when there's a will there's a way!

2007-03-13T21:36:00.000+08:00

Spent a frustrating afternoon in the school library today doing maths. After the 2-hour intense make-up econs lecture, it was the perfect way to fry my brain. Gah I couldn't do even the most basic questions of the revision exercise! :( Got rather discouraged and realised that there ain't that much time left! Didn't anticipate maths taking up more than one day. Ahh... I've got to be more disciplined!

Yet, on a lighter note, I met up with old (okay maybe not so old) friends for dinner. (: (: (: Gosh it was so good seeing the old cell again- Hannah, Daniel, Brandon, Dinesh, Nicholas, Charles, Ben, and my dear SCHEZN. (: Dinner entertainment was of course provided by the FCGs! They're hilarious, as usual. Some things never change (and some people never grow up). I really really miss them. These are the people I grew up with, or at least, have contributed significantly, in terms of influence, to the person I am today. I love them, and treasure them so much. There won't be another bunch quite like them. These are the people I foresee myself still being friends with even into old age.

Still, it's comforting to know that despite the fact that we don't see each other every week anymore, things are still pretty much the same. When we meet up, there's hardly any awkwardness or the distance that seem to usually creep in with time. Nope, none of that. I guess that's the difference when friendships are based on more than just well... circumstances? Similarities? Weekends in church?

It's a love that's different. And I'm so thankful that it sees beyond human weaknesses to love like God does- without judgement or self-centeredness. (:

death thou shalt die

2007-03-11T19:30:00.000+08:00

Holy Sonnet X.

by John Donne.

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so ;
For those, whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure, then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou'rt slave to Fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy, or charms can make us sleep as well,
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then ?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And Death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.
------------------

We watched a movie called "Wit" during GP lesson on Friday. It was almost life-changing. There was hardly a dry eye left when it ended. Based on Margaret Edson's play, Emma Thompson stars as Vivian Bearing in this intense and powerful vehicle through which the issues of life and death are thoroughly examined by the protagonist, especially in the monologues. You must watch it. It's the best movie I've ever seen. This is no flippant advertising. To find out more, read the review.

One would tend to think that movies about the meaning of life would be overt, didactic, one cliché after another, convoluted, contrived. But this masterful piece of art manages to sensibly express the most subtle nuggets of truth in all honesty and realness, without sounding overly idealistic (it's in fact the opposite) or moralising. It's bursting with meaning, if you would view the issues presented from the intended point of view, as well as another- your own.

There are some movies that provide you with a good time, a good laugh, good suspense, thrillers and action; pure entertainment. But "Wit" draws you into the story (which is so grippingly real that it's frightening) and makes you think, challenges your notions of what life's all about. Never has a movie provoked so much thought and evoked such strong emotions- empathy and shared pain- with its sharp articulation of life's (and death's) nuances. It's real; it's relevant, and yet this is an understatement in itself, if you fully grasp the essence and gravity of its message.

-------------------------------------------

"It reads: "And death shall be no more," -comma-"Death thou shalt die."

Nothing but a breath, a comma separates life from life everlasting.
Very simple, really. With the original punctuation restored, death is no longer something to act out on a stage with exclamation marks.

It is a comma- a pause.
Life, death. Soul, God. Past, present.
Not insuperable barriers.
Not semicolons.

Just a comma."

-Professor Evelyn Ashford in "Wit"

A for A blessing!

2007-03-02T17:24:00.000+08:00

"I know that you'll be very happy when you see your results."

And my Chinese teacher was right. This post is dedicated to GOD who blessed me with an A for my Chinese AO level exams! What's more- He's a God who doesn't bless meagrely- a Distinction for Orals! Oh my goodness. I got the shock of my life. At first I saw "D" on the results slip for my oral component and my heart almost skipped a beat. But then I realised it stood for "Distinction".

Praise God for His faithfulness. I really couldn't have done it without Him though I did work hard, especially since I thought I messed up my orals.

This week is turning out to be quite different from what I expected, in a good way. Thank God for little and BIG surprises like these. Haven't been able to wipe that smile off my face.

Above all, I thank You, Jesus. (: All glory to God!

irresistible

2007-02-25T17:59:00.000+08:00

Was under-studying for keys today and found myself wavering between observing Char play and really worshipping God, especially since PDa/Trina sensed that we needed to really come through with authentic worship and ministry. I tried to watch Char during the crucial parts like transition from verse into chorus, build-up, bridge etc. But after a while, God's undeniable presence came like a wind, like a torrential flood that just sucked me in and swept me away. I felt myself so drawn into worship by God, even though as I closed my eyes, at the back of my mind, I was wondering what Char and Mad were playing. Then, just as I allowed myself to jump right into the river, it was like, WOW.

And halfway through the worship segment, it seemed to me to be practically sacrilege to watch Char play instead of worshipping God because His presence was just so overwhelmingly real and holy in that place. Have you ever felt that we may have sometimes taken God's presence for granted? If you were in the presence of a king, you wouldn't be paying attention to anything else would you? What more the King of all the earth, Creator of the universe? And for once, I felt compelled to forget about understudying and just respond to God with all my heart. Right then, I knew what it meant to be enraptured by His glory. I just had to give Him all the praise He is more than worthy of. When God shows up, you can't help but lift your hands and voice in worship because, well, I don't know man. Maybe it's a natural response? The fact that His glory is so magnificent (magnificent doesn't quite cut it; no word can truly express how amazing He is) makes you want to fall to your knees in worship.

I can't help but marvel at how God chose to draw me in even though I may not have accorded Him my due focus during the service. Learnt quite a fair bit today not only in terms of skills, but also more of what it means to be a Levite, to worship God through my instrument. Indeed, from the heart, true worship comes, and through our hands, true worship will flow.

CNY

2007-02-20T20:45:00.000+08:00

Hm the new template messed up the comment function. I've figured out a way though:

1. click on the "comment" link. The page will refresh, bringing you back to the home page
2. click on "entries" to display the specific post on which you wish to comment
3. click on "entries" again and you will reach the comments page.

CNY break is officially over. I've never eaten so much in such a short span of time. New year goodies are addictive, especially pineapple tarts and prawn rolls. Talk about vices. For others, it's gambling. For me, it's eating; gluttony; excessive consumption. I'm just waiting for the pimples to pop out like overnight cinder cones or volcanoes soon. I reckon they'll be the painful red kind. Eww.

A record (and I'm not proud of it)- 5 meals on first day. Every place we visited, we sat down to eat. And they weren't small meals, mind you. Gah I've got to go running like crazy the next few days to work off the extra little blobs that have snugly nestled themselves in the usual areas.

But all in all, it was great catching up with the relatives. All of them commented on how tall my brothers have grown though. I think Joel (far right, in green) is kinda cute. (: Tall (taller than my dad), dark and handsome. Hm... I bet he's quite popular with the girls. How time flies. Well, someone wished me "kuai gao zhang da" today. Yeah... I hope I would too.

^ The three musketeers.

I realise the two of them never quite smile in photos. Are grimaces are the new cool?

change

2007-02-19T23:50:00.000+08:00

New skin. Realised that since I deleted my Friendster account, the portrait Kisses From Heaven picture I uploaded there has disappeared. I can't seem to find it on my hard drive either.

So goodbye kissesfromheaven blogskin.

This shall do, for now. Made the font size bigger. It was tiny to begin with. I still think it's a tad small but any bigger and it wouldn't blend with the layout. So if you have to strain your eyes to read, please let me know.

It's late. Can't believe I stayed up during my last free night before school starts to do this. *yawns* Goodnight.

new

2007-02-19T20:42:00.000+08:00

Memories.

Some make you laugh, some make you cringe (or cry)
Others- well, they aren't worth remembering.

But often the most poignant are the ones that bring you pain; the ones you want to forget

but can't.

Yet, perhaps what we need to "forget" is not really the event, or whatever happened. We often quote Isaiah 43:18- "Forget the former things..." If you're talking about unwanted memories, what the verse means is maybe (from my amateur interpretation so don't take my word for it) releasing to God the hurt and emotional baggage it caused. Surrender- yes, that's the word- is when you find closure.

Life will present us with an accumulation of things pleasant and not. Perhaps the key is not to press "delete" every time something doesn't agree with us, but to instead allow God to help us see it from a different perspective, to view it through new lenses. Every experience, trial or blessing, is a lesson in itself. I believe in how God moulds us through the former. Nothing we can do will change the past. But our future has everything to do with how much we let God change us.

Just like putting on new clothes for the new year, changing our attitudes and outlook make us look and feel brand new, inside out.

Happy Lunar New Year. (:

let's un-misunderstand this

2007-02-18T22:29:00.000+08:00

I know it was a week ago, but still I must make things clear- read it in clear, bold, red font:

There is nothing going on between me and Alvin,
the F-R-I-E-N-D I brought for v-day's Inside Out.

I know it appeared suspicious, especially since dear Titus asked all the wrong questions! ("How is Michelle as a friend to you?") I thought he was only going to interview my friend, but he got me to stand too. Now I've experienced what it means to think, "Wow that was AWKWARD," in all its entirety. I was like, "This time die lah. What would people think?"

But I don't blame Titus. He was doing his job as the emcee, and was a fabulous one at that. (:

I bet the whole LT was thinking, "Hm..." As we were leaving, some people (ahem some youths) were giving me the *wink wink* look. Sigh. Well, there really is nothing going on!

Here goes the long story (which I shall effectively summarise for you): We met 3 years ago at a CDC camp for students. We were group-mates. And our relationship kinds of ends there. So... yeah. He likes to meet up with old friends, and has an amazing memory- he remembers my birthday every year without fail but I don't even know when his is! Yup he told a white lie- I do not know when his birthday is, much less remember it every year. (I found out though when I discreetly peeped as he filled up the FTV card.)

He often asks if we can meet to catch up or something. I don't always oblige though. So this time, I thought, why not invite him for Inside Out. I emailed him an invitation. I didn't expect him to agree to come (a lack of faith, I admit), but he did. I honestly tried to find a mutual friend to come along so it wouldn't be weird but considering that I don't really know him, it was hard. And the only girl I asked was studying for a bio test the next day.

Perhaps it was the "wrong" occasion, in a sense, to bring a guy. But when things turn out this way, you can't exactly say, "Sorry, I take that back." I did deliberate whether to bring him, but thought, here is the chance to bring someone to Christ. Does my image matter more? Anyways, persons of the opposite gender shouldn't be discriminated against when it comes to extending that opportunity to know God.

Though at first I regretted bringing him, God reminded me of how Alvin heard the gospel for the first time after Inside Out (despite him having visited other churches before) as I shared using the bridge diagram. Thank you, Zhi Chao, for coming down to talk to him. I believe what we shared made him think and put questions in his mind. Even though he didn't receive salvation, we've sown the seed. Someone else may reap the harvest sometime down the road. But it's a start because we have sown the seed.

I know there're some speculations and I'd be lying if I say I'm not bothered at all. But I'm more concerned about the youths in general, especially the younger ones under me. Don't really want to stumble them or anything. And it's not so good if they have the wrong impression. So this is just to clear things up so there're no misunderstandings. If you're confused, please come and talk to me.

Haha actually, I'm not romantically involved with anyone for that matter, except my one true love and desire

JESUS (:

Unafraid

2007-02-06T22:09:00.000+08:00

UNAFRAID

words and music by Joy Williams, Jason Ingram, and David May

They say I'm too young to really understand
They say I'm too old to be where I am
They say just fit in, you'll be just fine
But I can't buy the lie

The voices of the crowd always try to keep me down
But I've had enough and now I'm stepping out

Unafraid
‘Cause I know who You are
Unafraid
Staring life in the face
‘Cause I know who I am is who You made
So here I stand
Unafraid

You say I'm Your own, an orphan found
You say I am home, those lies are lonely now
You're proud of me, and I am safe
And my fears begin to fade

Your voice is drowning everybody out

I'm gonna live my life (unashamed)
Living my life (untamed)
For the sake of Your Name
I'm living my life, I'm living my life

really?

2007-02-04T10:32:00.000+08:00

Having barely recovered from a dehabilitating flu which knocked me out of action for a few days, I woke up this morning with an upset stomach and diarrhoea. It's food poisoning it seems. Boohoo. I want to be in church!

It's a double-whammy. First this, then that. I feel as weak as jelly. Sigh. I want to sleep, but the churning in my stomach and nausea keeps me away from the temporary respite of lala land. And every now and then, I'd have to scurry to the toilet. I've lost count of the number of times already. Okay I'll spare the details; they're not exactly delectable.

But even as I pleaded with God to take it away so that I could go to church, He asked me, why do you want to go to church so badly? I thought it was quite a "duh" question to ask, but He searched my heart and revealed to me that He was probably a secondary reason. I realised that I wanted to be there because, well, I wanted to see my friends, have fun, party the Sunday away. I was looking forward more to the human fellowship than real fellowship with God. It hit me and I felt really ashamed. It's so easy to lose focus. I think sometimes we can get carried away with all the hype, the cool factor of youth ministry, of hanging out with friends. But church is so much more than a social club.

I'm sure to spend the rest of this morning getting things right again with God.

Create in me a pure heart O Lord.

it's okay

2007-02-03T19:49:00.000+08:00

I recently realised how emotionally pent up I've been for a rather long time. Somehow the dam kind of burst open thanks to some much needed probing and I didn't even know I've been sweeping everything under the carpet. It was an unconscious reaction to whatever I felt wasn't helping me to move on. I'd just chuck it out the window, though at the back of my mind, it's like unresolved clutter that still needs to be dealt with. Guess I've been trying to be strong, to manage the different things that come my way in school, ministry, cca etc.

I don't know what kept the defensive walls up, but I do know that I don't like feeling vulnerable, unconsciously. Maybe it's pride, or a self-protecting mechanism against potential hurt and anything that will exacerbate an already fragile emotional state. I don't really know... But I think I've been lonely. Transition after transition; it does take some getting used to. Now that it's a new place, new team, I find myself trying to fit in all over again and sometimes, not knowing where I belong. There are the people you can talk, say "hi" and "bye" to. Some, only polite conversation, while others yeah sharing to a certain extent, but not really connecting on a deeper level.

I really miss the old bunch.

But as I step out of my comfort zone, I believe God will provide someone. As much as He is my best friend who's always there, we were made for relationships, not meant to walk alone on this earth.

Dear Lord please give me friends, close friends who will run this race with me, pray with me, and help me grow stronger in You. Thank You for the lovely bunch that You've sent my way this year. I pray somehow, friendships will grow deeper, beyond the surface; someone I can share with etc. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

belated

2007-02-01T20:49:00.000+08:00

Thank God for new friends, old (best!) friends, and real friends I never knew I had. For just that surprise, this was the best birthday I've ever had. More love makes up for the lack of it. Even though I didn't think my birthday was worth celebrating. Maybe it's a family thing.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to those who have made it so special. Thank you for loving me. (:

And Dearest Daddy gave me the best present ever: His love- perfect love. Actually, He has already given it to me even before the day I was born. Maybe it's just that I tend to forget. Then, He reminds me to open up that box to receive His precious gift all over again. And it's like new; each subsequent time I'm brought to experience His love in a different way, on a deeper level, in a whole new realisation of His boundless love.

Thank You Father, for arms of perfect love.

Thank You Jesus, for giving me life. Birthdays should be celebrated because of You,

because I can say that I truly live.

no fear

2007-01-22T21:37:00.000+08:00

It doesn't matter how many blows the enemy has had at me.
It won't knock me over. Well, at least I refuse to back down.
Through real pain and emptiness
will the arms of perfect love comfort and heal.

Nothing can get me down because I have God.

Lord please tell me why, how and what I should do. I'm trying my best but I don't know if I'm doing it right. It's getting tiring but I know we're moving forward. Whatever it is, I'll trust in You.

deluge

2007-01-12T17:46:00.000+08:00

It's cold and wet outside, the kind of weather that makes you want to curl up in bed with a book or snuggle under the warm comforter for a nap. It has been pretty much raining continuously ever since yesterday evening. I wonder how it's possible that the sky can hold so much water- this has been the Question of The Day for me. The rain keeps pouring, but somehow, the clouds do not seem to be able to fully unload their aqueous burden.

Despite how inconvenient the rain has made travelling, I love the way it blankets the view outside with falling droplets, blurring the sharp edges, rendering the scene soft and misty. It's nice to see things a little less clearer sometimes. I must admit, I'm in a romantic mood right now (not in love; more like poetic), hence this post about the deluge that has taken Singapore by storm (pun intended) for almost 24 hours now.

I can't help but envy the grass and trees which rejoice in this prolonged outpour of heaven's waters, which is the very sustenance of life for these tender greens. They shine with a jubilant vitality that the shower of rain has brought, looking bright and fresh- revived, almost.

Why do I envy them? Well, because I want to be soaked in living waters too. I want to jump into the river of life that flows from heaven's gates, and drink, and drink... That's the way I want to feel- saturated, filled to overflowing. I want to be lovingly watered by the Gardener who makes things grow, so that I'll grow stronger, deeper in love, and bear wonderful fruit for the One who has created me, who gave me life.

I don't want just trickle of water, or even a little stream. I want a flood, a DELUGE- heaven's deluge!

Let it rain
Let it rain
Open the floodgates of heaven

the challenged will grow

2006-12-30T22:45:00.000+08:00

Lord I know this coming year is going to be a challenge-

-and of change too, of uncertainty and well, many things to keep me busy, or distracted from the real goal for that matter. I honestly don't know if I can do it. These things that You've laid in my heart and put in my hands, I can't imagine how I can be used by You. Things I've never done before; things that I'm not at all qualified to do, in my own eyes at least. Yes, it's going to be a year of challenge.

Yet, I know it's going to be a year of fulfilled promises, victories by Your grace and answered prayers. I'm believing for that, with all my heart. Help me to run on for You. I might slow down, grow tired or really struggle to keep on going. But in the midst of it all, I know You're right there running alongside with me. I know it's You, not me, for Your power is made perfect in my weakness. You will be my strength.

It's going to be a long, hard ride. But hey, it's a journey with Jesus. It can't get any better than that.

With Christ in the vessel we can SMILE at the storm. (:

it's december ALREADY??!!

2006-12-06T13:30:00.000+08:00

My first post for December. *winces*

Christmas is coming and I am sad. Because that means January's coming and school's starting. On the other hand, to balance things out, there's exciting stuff ahead for IGNYTE and the church on the whole. We're going to be pioneers, history makers. YEAH.

Lord, time's flying by. Help me to make the most of it. I will run this race and persevere because You're with me; there's nothing to fear. Thanks for the new shoes for the new stretch of ground to cover, and for being my biggest Cheerleader. (:

The reason I live- is to worship You.

it's not spring yet, but

2006-11-30T11:31:00.000+08:00

It's time for SPRING CLEANING!

Just threw out a whole mountain (okay more like hill) full of clothes a few days ago, which strangely consisted mostly of tops which were so short they hardly cover up enough. I haven't really worn them though. Don't know how on earth they appeared in my closet. Mummy forced me to clean out unwanted stuff. She thinks I have too many items that I don't wear often enough. Which is somewhat true. Now that I've gotten rid of the unworn and unwanted, I realise I do not actually have that many clothes (according to my standards). Still, I think mum has decided that I've bought enough clothing items for the year. Okay I have a decent variety I guess. But there will be no end to wants. Decent and ideal are different. (:

Now I have the other half of my room to clean- my desk and the second half of the cupboards. Piles of books, files and stacks of loose sheets of paper, which vaguely resemble long lost econs worksheets and other miscellaneous documents are sitting around, adding to the incredible clutter. It's a sore and sorry sight, I must admit. Apparently, my filing system is vastly inadequate. Either that, or that I'm just too lazy to consistently file up my stuff. My auto clean up function is just not working, by choice or default, I can't quite tell.

As you can see, I'm putting off organising that part of my room. But thou shalt not procrastinate! Be strong Michelle. After you're done, the immense sense of satisfaction will offset all opportunity cost and labour pains of clearing up your room. The sacrifice of time is well worth the cause.

But first, I'll have lunch and watch Oprah on TV. (:

retail detail

2006-11-27T22:13:00.000+08:00

*Blissful sigh* I just got home from a very satisfying and fruitful shopping expedition with my mum. It's our annual year-end spending to supplement our wardrobes etc. Robinson and John Little's having this 20% discount/rebate thing for members and we've been down twice to buy stuff. Today's the last day. Though we didn't exactly splurge or purchase that many items, the things we did buy cost quite a substantial amount each. New black and white floral print skirt! Whoopeee. Finally a pretty, neutral skirt that I can match coloured tops with. (:

Mummy was very happy too with the good harvest, (: despite the pain of parting with cash (invisibly- she used her credit card, which is even worse- you don't see the money going out). Like mum remarked at the end of the day, spending money is easy, fun, exciting, exhilaration and rewarding (temporarily, until you realise you might have overspent). But earning money is so difficult. Every time I contemplate spending, there's always this stressful tug-of-war going on in my head. I hate to feel guilty for buying something's that's more a want than a need. And, it's not like my parents are rich either. There are always better ways to spend that amount of money used to buy clothes/accessories/gadgets etc. I always feel guilty when spending my parents' money. Though they may agree to buy something I want, after the purchase is done, this niggling sense of guilt somehow plagues me for a while. Is this abnormal?

Anyways, there needs to be a balance (as always) in spending and saving. One can't hoard up treasures on earth which you can't bring to heaven with you. You never know when you'll die a miserly millionaire with this huge amount of $$ stashed somewhere unused, wasted. It's quite sad to live a life of near poverty because you save like a compulsive obssessive hoarder, depriving yourself of the joys of life, things the Lord made for us to take pleasure in and utilise. God will provide.

Of course, we need to work hard and save as well. I'm not saying that a spendthrift lifestyle is right. Or that you don't need to save- just not to the extent that you miss out on the things that God means for us to enjoy. I'm saying that spend within your limits, for your needs and maybe wants, if you can afford just a little indulgence. We need to be good stewards of what God has given us. (:

Anyhow, I've caught the shopping bug for a long time now. In the past, I was able to pride myself on hating to shop. I used to shop like a man- go armed with a purpose, zoom in on my target purchase, buy it and leave. But now, oh dear. Everything catches my eye. Saw this really cool fitted jacket with a great cut and design but it costs 80 bucks. I'd love to have it in my wardrobe but well. Haha. It blows the top off my budget extravagantly.

Will miss shopping in Malaysia with it's Year End Sale this year. Youth camp clashes with family holiday and my parents are going ahead without the three of us. But thank God they've allowed us to go for camp. Somehow. I never would have imagined mum doing that but she did. Would miss spending time with the family as well. But just one encounter with God is worth so much more than 5 days of shopping, water theme parks and fun. Looking forward to camp... can't wait can't wait! (: (: (: (:

iMoult

2006-11-26T21:25:00.000+08:00

I'm positive I'm balding. Like a handful of strands a time. Every single time I run my fingers through my hair, it's like- oh dear.

Geez.

Still, I shall keep growing my hair. Too lazy to get it cut and I'm still not at the length where I can do nice stuff with it yet. And too tired to try other shampoos/hair stuff.

Holidays. Got to take a REAL break. Doesn't feel like a holiday to me. Weekends are just as busy. But I don't want to be busy. I want to be fruitful, yet rested. Yes- rested. Not be perpetually stressed or lacking in sleep.

Someone just told me, "Michelle... you the steady lah".

I'm only steady in God lah. On my own, I'm a mess.

CCLT. Pastor Pat said something that struck me: the more you grow as a leader, the more dependent you are on God. Wow. Yes you grow more capable, technically, in terms of skills. But at the same time we grow more reliant on God because that's what spiritual maturity and intimacy is all about.

It takes guts to say, "God, I know I can't. So I want to be more dependent on You." Good 'ol pride must be out of the way. That's where I want to be headed. Time to be vulnerable, inadequate and dependent. But when I'm weak, I am strong, because His power is made perfect in weakness.

Lord, I really need Your grace.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

yeah

2006-11-16T15:55:00.000+08:00

T'was my folly.
So what's new?
Never should have, and never will again.
It's the result of my own actions,
can't blame anyone else.

Thanks for setting me free,
opening my eyes to see.
I owe much to you.
This sobering reality-
a burst of ice cold water
woke me up,
somewhat a little late but
better now than later.
Feels good. (:

True friends are like mirrors.
They aren't afraid to tell you who you really are
And show you the reality of circumstances
So that you can stop deluding yourself.
The truth hurts, but only for a while.
True friends are God-given.
I'm glad I have them.
I'm glad God gave them to me.
Thank You Lord.

how on earth did you get my number?

2006-11-15T15:54:00.000+08:00

Weird.

Some guy called Bryan from some wellness company VE Ptd Ltd just called me on my mobile. Apparently I've been shortlisted to go down for an interview. And I think I'm supposed to be honoured and elated? *quizzical look* I thought he was going to pull a market survey on me. He was rather vague at first but only after the first 5 minutes did I find out that it was for a job of some sort, ambiguously described as "helping to expand the business because we might be going regional next year". The company is into nano-tech, biomed and other products so I patiently explained that I had no interest in business and I'm an arts student. (I bet he already knew that.) He said, "Oh no worries, it might appear sciencey, but you'll be dealing with other stuff like customer service etc."

O-kay.

"Yeah, you can call it a job if you like, but I don't really see it that way," he said when I asked him if it's a vocation thing. I was like, "Huh?" If it's not a job, then WHAT IS IT? A partnership? Exploitation of student labour? Does that mean I don't get paid?

Oh wait. I should have asked him if I'll get paid for this. It's kind of impolite but still, it's an important piece of information. People respond to incentives, remember? I need to make normal profit in order to cover the opportunity cost of putting my time into this dubious job thing. He said that we'll discuss how I can help the company and my time commitment tomorrow, and "maybe ask you about your vision for your life". Riight. This is soooo strange.

Still, despite the somewhat exciting albeit questionable prospect of earning some much-needed mulah this holidays, it's kind of freaky when some stranger calls you up and starts confirming your personal details with you e.g. "You're from RJC right? Year 1 or Year 2?"

And how did you know, may I ask?

I know it was quite rude but I couldn't help asking him how he got my number. His nonchalant reply was, "Oh we got it from HR... It's like that in the business world. Information just gets passed around."

I'd like to know exactly how.

I really shouldn't get my hopes up though. For all you know, this entire thing might be a sham. With a real office at 39 Robinson Road, Robinson Point level 10. You never know, right? There's the question of my time (I can only commit for these two months, which isn't a lot of time, considering I'll be busy with other stuff too) and whether it'll be worth it even if I could take it up. Anyways this is so dubious. It is very dubious in fact.

So... Tomorrow, I might put on "not say formal, but executive office wear" (in this overly-friendly guy's words) to this place that I've never been to before, to meet someone whom I've never met before, to get myself a job that I've never done before.

(Haha yeah, I'm sure.)

I think I'll just call him back to cancel.

blabber blah

2006-11-14T22:22:00.000+08:00

This somehow does not feel like the holidays at all.

Glad I survived econs today. Realised that mainstream teaching is very different from the humans. The answers were more "geoggish"/ common sensical compared to the more theoretical approach we normally use. Met Mr. Sowden after that for consultation. He's real nice and patient with me. (: I wonder why he's teaching at RJC with a PhD. Overqualified. X-inefficiency? *grin*

Hannah Montana is funny! And "awww..." inducing. I think I'm succumbing to the saccharine-sweet, didactic comedy/sitcom types that Disney Channel usually offer, though I think Drake and Josh doesn't really fall into that category. BRAIN-NUMBING TV. I find myself slumming in front of the TV quite a lot nowadays. Bad...

But Animal Planet's really bringing me back to my childhood passion for animals. I love Steve Irwin and his shows. His wildlife warrior fervour just burns through the screen- very palpable and inspiring. Watching his animated, larger than life persona on screen, I still can't quite believe he's not around anymore. Such a tragedy; they were a beautiful family.

Do you get the feeling that I'm just writing about random stuff for the sake of updating? Yeah because I am. I'm putting off practising for guitar practice tomorrow. Adios Nonino is practically a nightmare, for the first two pages. At least guitar 4 has it easier than the rest (I think).

SYF. Scary stuff. Hope I don't bomb out.

strong tower

2006-11-13T22:34:00.000+08:00

Busy holidays- wish I could upload my Nov-Dec calendar here and rant about how often I have to go to school. SYF practice, revision programmes (okay blame it on the fact that I NEED the revision) etc etc. I have to go to school every day for this entire week except Friday. Am thinking of organising another jam but I don't think my parents are too cool about me spending more time outside. Maybe next week after the J2s i.e. Jas and Kelly have finished their As. Can't wait to learn more. I need the practice in a band setting to know what works and what doesn't.

The holidays are flying past. Whoosh!

Two weeks of Dec are taken up by youth camp and my family vacation. Which technically leaves me less than 4 weeks of break time. BUT I reckon I'll be involved in Xmas comm and other stuff so that'll be over by 18th Dec. Eeps! There's hardly much time for revision so that I'll be prepared next year, not to mention that I don't particularly relish the thought of spending my holidays studying (though I know I need to).

Much has happened. Long story. I seem to be bombarded with trials left right center, one after another. But let's just say that God has be the only constant through changes and the turbulence of the journey. He's my rock and foundation, my fortress and strong tower. I will not be shaken.

I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust. (Psalms 91:2)

Econs revision worksheets (i.e. many many case studies and essay questions to plow through) await. I don't think I'll get much sleep tonight. I'm tempted to say, "God, You can wait right? Sorry, I really have lots to do and by the time I'm done, I'll be pretty much brain dead" or some other excuse like that. But I know I need Him even more during this trying time. Spending time with Him isn't just for my benefit either. It's a two-way relationship- I receive His love, but I need to give of mine too.

There are some things I still don't understand but I'm going to trust in His perfect plan for my life, in His sovereignty and unfailing love. It's hard to be still in the midst of a raging storm and you tend to forget that He's still there watching over you. You forget that His promises still hold true, that His peace will be your comfort and His joy your strength. I forget all that, often.

But there's always this still, small voice within me reminding me from time to time to trust, to wait, to persevere. Without Him, I'll have to face the world alone. And that, is the thing I fear most.

Sometimes I am alone, in the physical sense. But I don't necessarily feel lonely. Yes, there are moments when I feel I could just talk to someone. But He's always there waiting, waiting for me to come to Him with my problems though He already knows. It's the act of confiding in Him that brings me closer.

You ask me why I always seem to be blogging about God, always talking about Him. You say I'm spiritual, but it's more than that. Have you known something so good, so important, so liberating that you just felt like you needed to share it?

I talk about Him because He is my life. He has changed my life, made all things more beautiful, made life worth living, given me a purpose. It's the way people behave when they're in love. He means more to me than the world, than anything. Some people talk on and on about the guy they have a crush on or their boyfriends, but I talk about God.

He's the love of my life.

No one comes close. None but Jesus.

We're living in uncertain times

And more and more I find that I'm aware

Of just how fragile life can be

I want to tell the world I found

A love that turned my life around

They need to know that they can taste and see

Now everyday I'm praying

Just to give my heart away

I want to live for Jesus

So that someone else might see that He is...

Everything to me

He's more than a story

More than words on a page of history

He's the air that I breath

The water I thirst for

And the ground beneath my feet

He's everything

Everything to me

hannahhhhhhhh!

2006-11-07T22:45:00.000+08:00

Sisters and best friends forever; change or no change.

We share more than just our surnames, so much more than what ordinary friendships can ever grant.

You've taught me so much about myself, about love and about life; about what it means to love selflessly, in hope, perseverance and a relentless belief. You've nurtured the seedling of faith in me and helped me grow, helped me see things in a new way and inspired me to live a life of faith, of holiness for His glory. You believed in me, and taught me to believe in myself. I found strength in how you found strength in the Lord in difficult situations.

Your life has been a tremendous testimony which spoke without you having to say a word, and so encouraged me to walk closer to our Heavenly Father. Your humility means that you probably might not know the extent of the impact you've made in my life, and I believe, in the lives of many others as well. But I know you're aware of the plan God has for you. And I know you're walking in the path He has set out for you faithfully, step by step.

I love talking with you, just sharing our hearts, giggling over funny things and idiosyncrasies. I love your innocence, your girlishness, your childlike faith and gentle spirit. Up til now, you still remind me of a warm, white bunny- cute, mild-tempered and serene. You're one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. I love the way we pray together, building up our faith and believing for God to come through for us.

Uh-oh I know this sounds like a eulogy. But hey, why only tell people how much they mean to you when they aren't around anymore? (:

All in all, I pray we'll stay sisters, kindred spirits, the closest of friends.

Come what may, my heart nor memory will never allow me to forget such a dear friend like you. I pray that we'll be able to walk the rest of the journey together, see each other continue to serve and grow, eventually get married, start a family and grow old together, just like we've always dreamt of.

The greatest gift you've given me is the precious gift of your love and friendship.

Thanks for being such a HUGE blessing nah.

You're an angel from God sent in the form of a faithful friend.

My lovely, lovely, darling friend,

I thank God for you.

Love ya nah!

A friend loves at all times, and a brother (and sister!) is born for adversity.

Proverbs 17:17

power weekend

2006-11-05T15:53:00.000+08:00

Oh my poor tortured toes.

Wore the pretty brown leather covered-toe heels yesterday because I was serving communion. My foot was riddled with blisters by the time I got to church for P6 cell. I think by the end of the day, I had a grand total of 4 blisters on each foot. Yay for me. For those who were wondering why I was walking in such a stiff, awkward fashion, now you know why. I've learnt my lesson; I'm never going to wear that hideously painful pair of shoes again, even though they look dainty and gorgeous. Such sacrifice for vanity's sake is so not worth it.

But despite that, I walked all the way to serene macs after FUEL with Nah and Amanda. Very slowly. Anna had to go off to sleepover at her friend's place. :( But I got to spend time with dear Nah and Amanda! (: I'm glad Amanda, Brandon and Charles appreciate the chili-mayo sauce concoction. Finally- some people who do not think that I'm weird for liking to eat my fries with that. Though it was just the three of us girls, it felt good catching up with them. I miss them so!!! And I'm going to miss Nah next year. *bawls* Oh well. Change is the only constant, especially in God's plan. It's the only way to challenge us to step out of our comfort zones and to keep us moving in the right direction.

Testimony!!

I really didn't know how I was going to survive yesterday, getting up at 6.30am and only going home late at night. Was plagued with a cold since Thursday and was out the entire day on Friday. Went home late too because of Lcell. But somehow throughout yesterday, God really gave me the strength to manage, took away the runny nose and discomfort. I was quite surprised that I lasted all the way through, even for Z2 FUEL. Thank God for His faithfulness and healing hand. (:

Today can be counted as one of the happiest days of my life. Went out for brunch with the family at Casuarina Curry and then stopped for a while at Upper Pierce Reservior. Just sitting in the car as Dad drove, listening to the amiable chatter and light-hearted banter is one of the best things. This is one of the few times that we've really spent quality time as a family, without any petty arguments or disagreements. It was so nice to see Dad heaping tons of prata and curry onto Mum's plate. They haven't really treated each other so affectionately in a long time. I thank God for this recent turnaround. I'd never expected my prayers to be answered in such a powerful way, and the change so instantaneous too.

I'm just speechless.

Thank You Lord.

Came home and played Midnight Club II with Amos. He's really good at negotiating the turns and navigating the race route. I mastered the easy race course he set for me and advanced to the harder one. The irritating thing about the game is that even if I come in 2nd or 3rd out of 6 racers, they always flash the words "You Lose" in neon yellow. *disgruntled look* Hey that's not too bad for someone who just started playing the game okay.

I'm really starting to enjoy spending time with my brothers. I've learnt that the best way to connect with them is to join them in doing what they like to do. For Joe, we bond over guitar stuff. I sincerely want to make a difference in my brothers' lives. What's the point of me discipling others in church if I do not even take care of the seedlings at home? As they grow up, I want to see them walk in the ways of the Lord, grow more in love with Him each day, and feel as passionate as I am about Him. I want to see them learn, serve and experience God for themselves like I have. There's no better place than IGNYTE but besides that, the home is another place of growth too.

Family life has never been better. And I pray that it will last. No- I know it will because this is what God desires for each and every family- to enjoy the fellowship of loved ones and to build a Godly home, serving the Lord together as a household, just as Joshua said. I've realised that my family is a part of my ministry as well, where God has placed me to make a difference. Everything's just falling into place right now and looking back, I can't help but stand in awe of His grace, His power and His way of making all things work for the good of those who love Him.

Miracles can happen and they do. Faith is the key that unlocks God's power which can alter every single circumstance in our lives, no matter how hopeless we deem it. Try believing and you'll see. I know that my God is great because I see Him at work in my life every day. I pray that you too will experience His love and power personally and be able to say the same thing to others as you testify about how He has made the impossible possible.

"What is impossible with men is possible with God."
-Luke 18:27

when love takes you in

2006-11-01T21:57:00.000+08:00

Steven Curtis Chapman

(listen)

I know you’ve heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You’ve heard about a place called home
But there doesn’t seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream

Where love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in

And somewhere while you’re sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart

And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever
'cause this love to lose its hold

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in it takes you in for good
When love takes you in

food and other distractions

2006-11-01T18:12:00.000+08:00

My brothers just got a PS2 as a gift from my neighbour. Doomsday. As if their addiction to Maple Story isn't enough. Came home today and found them playing some racing game called Midnight Club II. It was intriguing enough and I soon realise that I'm rather inept at virtual racing. I kept crashing into things (cars, lamp posts and innocent pedestrians) and once gloriously landed my car in the river after barging through the railing. My pathetic attempts at turning (I'm always overshooting the turn) and trying to stay on course were entertaining for my brothers. But lousy racing skills aside, it's fun. I'd better watch out though. If not, I'd get hooked on it. Can't afford that when Chinese is in less than two days.

I want to go for CPM and IGNYTE prayer tonight! But I know Parents will frown upon the idea. Not spending enough time studying, they say, spending too much time in church, they say. I've got to give it my best shot this time. But somehow I feel that what I study might only help for a really tiny portion of the paper. Anyhow, like a good kiasu Singaporean, I will just "bao ka liao" (means "cover everything" in Hokkien).

Went to Hotel Miramar for an international buffet lunch on Monday with the family. The food wasn't exactly as good as I expected but it definitely wasn't mediocre. But I must say, the fish head curry is worth a mention. It was really good! I ate quite a few helpings of that to the amusement of my grandma. I went prepared with a strategy to prevent the regret of having eaten too much - I took only one piece of food from the dishes that looked appetising (I didn't bother with the rest) and tried them. If I liked it, I'd go for a proper helping. I'm a food person and sometimes, stomach rules head. Joe was just wolfing down plate after plate of food, while I had to take 20 minute breaks in between trips to the buffet table. It was amazing! And his tummy didn't look like it expanded at all after all that eating. I always wonder where all the food end up, or the carbo for that matter because he is (so unfairly) stick thin.

Then there was the ice-cream too, but only with a disappointing selection of 4 rather normal flavours like sweetcorn and raspberry ripple. The coffee flavour wasn't bad but it was such a shame that they ran of mint ice cream before I got to try it. But all in all, it was a good time of family bonding and like Pastor Dennis and his belief in food theology, I believe a family that eats together stays together. Grandma was happy and satisfied (with repeated helpings of her favourite egg tofu) and full of what I guess is the pure joy of being with family.

I thank God for food. Eating is really the best activity to fellowship over. I guess that's why I am this size. Oh dear, I just realised that Dad's going to ta pao back a potful of traditional Heng Hua Lor Mee later, a family favourite. Resist, Michelle. You have stopped growing upwards so anymore food and you'll grow sideways even faster. Repeat after me, "A moment on the lips, forever on the hips... A moment on the lips, forever on the hips..."

Like I said, thank God for food, and for our ability to enjoy food. I wish He'd put in an auto-stopper/appetite-curbing thingamajig though.

busy

2006-10-30T23:19:00.000+08:00

Chinese AOs is in 3 days.

I can't say that I've properly started studying but I have made some progress. Part of me wants to say, "It's just Chinese. Anyways, you can't really study for a language paper. Even if you can, it's only 15% of the paper." But the more sensible Michelle says, "It's the last stretch. After dropping HCL to take normal in Sec. 4 and this entire year of hard work, I can't let myself get anything less than an A." It's always a tug-of-war. Rationalising and procrastination versus diligent action.

No. I cannot let history (or economics- the blemish of my promo results) repeat itself.

But I do find myself busier now after promos than before. I have indeed been spending more time doing church-related things like planning for Christmas and helping the P6s transit into IGNYTE. But God has repeatedly reminded me to not be consumed with the "doing", like Martha was in Luke 10. We are human beings after all, not human doings. It's easy to get into the thick of things and lose myself in busyness trying to complete task after task- Being Under Satan's Yoke.

I dreamt last night about some friends and myself trying to swim across a sea or some other body of water. It's all pretty fuzzy now but I remember there was a whirlpool in the middle of the sea. We were all trying to avoid it as we swam past but somehow we lost sight of two persons. We feared that they came too close to the whirlpool and got sucked in. I can't quite recall the rest but I just realised how appropriate the whirlpool describes the danger of becoming too busy. The ultimate whirlpool of activity churns on and on perennially. Along the way as we try to reach our destination, we will meet with this whirlpool. If we get too close, even to just the edge of it, we get sucked right in and that's the end.

Busyness is a ploy of the enemy to distract us from the goal in this race. Even ministry itself can become a consolidation of mere tasks, chores to complete, one after another. But what we're dealing with here are lives- real people with needs, feelings and dreams. It's a vision we're sowing into, His kingdom we're establishing. I constantly remind myself not to be so task-oriented, because the focus is not on the work but on the One who has called us to this, and the purpose He has for whatever we're planning or doing. To strive for a cause and not know what you're working for is one of the biggest failures one can sustain.

God often reminds me: serving Him is not about the doing nor the work itself but the heart. God doesn't require the work of our hards nor our mindless toil just to meet a certain need. Besides, what is most essential in life? Bustling about, so obsessed with to-do lists, attending to things that seem urgent? Or sitting at Jesus' feet like Mary did, still and truly listening to His teachings?

I often find myself struggling to strike a balance, to be still and listen more than do what I have committed to do. Hearing from God is so important and right now, that's all that I want. I so desperately need His rhema word. The logos is not enough. That's why I'm feeling kind of dry right now. I need a revelation. I need an answer. I need God. So very badly.

new

2006-10-29T22:49:00.000+08:00

It's a new day
It's a new vision

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland. "

Isaiah 43:18-19

do you trust me?

2006-10-24T16:02:00.000+08:00

It's funny how distrust can be perceived both ways when either accuses the other of suspicious behaviour and illegitimate activity. Oh the irony, when it is he who does not realise that the distrust is one sided.

And it does not lie with me.

I have discovered by trial and error that speaking the truth before nonchalantly complying to the ridiculous terms of the irrational one is the best line of defence. Or attack. (Developing a survival mechanism is absolutely necessary under circumstances in which one comes under fire ever so often.) Once the other party realises how unfounded and silly his claims are, he will naturally back down. So far, it has worked for me- twice. It's better than trying to defend myself. Saying it as it is if one has a clear conscience seems to be the only way to help a delusional someone see that I have nothing to hide.

But distrust, once revealed to the party in question in an accusatory tone, is damaging to a relationship, even if it is consequently cleared. The fact that someone does not trust me shows a lack of understanding of the person that I am. It hurts, especially if you trusted that person to know what you're like. I'd think, "He should know me better than that."

But then again, misunderstandings are as common as the grass that grow by the sidewalk. Rather, they are more like weeds, choking relationships with a parasitic glee, causing amity to crumble into wary misgivings. Once a relationship is caught in the vice-like grip of distrust, its gnarled fingers choke off honest communication and clarity, leaving the rapport to eventually waste away. Distrust feeds on suspicion, which in turn is generated by the very fuel of doubt and fear. It is a self-perpetuating problem that compounds itself with no help from you whatsoever. That is, if nothing is done to stop or altogether prevent it.

That is why I build hedges around the relationships that matter to me, the people whom I love. I will not allow the enemy to gain a foothold by driving in the wedge of distrust, nor permit the seeds of bitterness to take root and grow. Even God-centered relationships are susceptible, though I know for a fact that perfect love i.e. God's way, will help remove the unnecessary burden of paranoia and baseless speculations.

But when all else fails, I'll say it as it is. If one chooses to not believe me, there is nothing more I can do. As long as I know that my ways are right before God, I shall fear the groundless indictment of no man, nor the scheming devil himself. "Take that, you oaf," I'd laugh in his face as he stares, incredulous, caught off guard by the unexpected defeat.

I saw that coming. Too bad for you.

the time that is left

2006-10-15T20:41:00.000+08:00

Michelle, stop being so melodramatic.

It was worth it yesterday rushing for dinner at gran's after Z1 service before rushing back to church for fuel, by bus (i.e. the slow 165), all within the space of less than two hours. I tried to help her in the kitchen, pathetically attempted to speak to her in my broken Hokkien and enthusiastically exclaimed how delicious her food was (I wasn't being patronising- it really was sumptuous) while stuffing myself with her wonderful homecooked salted veg fried rice. I know it sounds eww- I had my reservations too at first- but it's really good.

I've been learning Hokkien for her sake. She frequently laments that young people nowadays do not know how to speak dialects. So I've been earnestly trying to learn from her, so that I'll be able to communicate with her, and eventually, be able to share the gospel in Hokkien. That day will be one of the biggest milestones in my life. (: So far, my efforts have earned her approval, I'm glad to note.

To be able to say something and see her smile in response is the best thing really. Her smile made my day. Even though she was sort of grumpy and aching from the rheumatism in her legs, I was glad I sat down with her and tried to cheer her up. Somehow, I feel strangely accomplished whenever I manage to elicit even the faintest of smiles from her. Her smiles make me feel so happy. On the outside, she's all tough and independent but I know deep down inside, she's lonely and longs for the company of loved ones.

I love my grandma. And I want so much for her to know God's love. But she's really embittered and has a grudge against Christianity and the Church in general. It's a long story that took an hour to unfold as she confided in me her grievances. I tried my best to explain things to her. Still, deeply entrenched mindsets and resentment stand in the way.

But I know, in time, God will draw all men to Himself. I pray it'll be soon though, because I don't know how much longer she has left.

It's not the words, not the skills, not the musician nor the music, but the heart that makes true worship.

Finally. I can BREATHE.

2006-10-10T22:53:00.000+08:00

What a relief. Thank God for answering my prayer. Though it might sting for a while, but there really isn't any other way it can be done. Effectively.

But I wish it were a clean cut. Like, you know, complete dissociation. Like ionization. There's still lag time from now until the end of the year. It irks me. I still cringe whenever I think of it. The reminders just creep up most stealthily from behind me and catches me by surprise as I tersely battle it out of my mind.

I'll chastise myself: Stupid stupid stupid me.

What's done is done though. It's a new start. A fresh beginning. Out of sight, out of mind. (:

It's great to feel free. Free of burden, of baggage, of distractions. It's just me and Him and that's wonderful. I'm exhilarated, liberated, refreshed, renewed.

Hope I'm not committing the sacrilegious act of (unknowingly) using malapropisms. Well, at least it is one in Ms. Ng's book. I had fun during GP lesson today. ~~Friendly~~ competition is always good. *beams* At least we four girls beat the 6 (was it 5? or more?) guys.

By half a point.

Okay but still, we beat them. Hah.

just me and You

2006-10-09T21:09:00.000+08:00

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
- Isaiah 55:9

I thank my Heavenly Father, for knowing the best for me. Though sometimes I may want to have things my way, there's no plan more perfect than His. He has made a way for me and I am so grateful for that relief. No room anymore, for anything else but Him. That's all I want.

Looking ahead, I know it's a path to serving Him and impacting lives in a greater way,

to a more intimate relationship with Him,

to a new season that will mould me, change me and make me.

Purify my heart
Let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify my heart
Let me be as gold, pure gold

Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
Is to be holy
Set apart for You, Lord
I choose to be holy
Set apart for You, my Master
Ready to do Your will

I don't want to be rejected silver. I want to be tested and proven pure and true, unlike the condition of the people's hearts as described in Jeremiah 6. I'll go through the fire; I will endure the heat and the pain, whatever it takes to refine me into a vessel worthy for His service. I want to be refined until His image is reflected in me, just as how the refiner sees his image reflected in the shiny surface of the gold or silver he polishes.

"This third I will bring into the fire;

I will refine them like silver
and test them like gold.
They will call on my name
and I will answer them;
I will say, 'They are my people,'
and they will say, 'The LORD is our God.' "

- Zechariah 13:9

I will be single-minded. Focused on the goal straight ahead. No need for blinkers because I know where I'm headed for.

One God

One heart

One love

One spirit

One purpose

One voice

Two hands, two feet

I will make my days count for His Kingdom.

cow eat grass

2006-10-03T22:08:00.000+08:00

I guess nothing's more Michelle-ish than this Kisses from Heaven blogskin. Though the momentary change was rather refreshing, click-to-navigate blogskins are just not for me. And the tiny scroll-space (or whatever-you-call-it-in-web-terms) is definitely not suitable, given my tendency to write long and rambling posts.

Thank you, Sandra, for creating this layout.

Watched John Tucker Must Die yesterday with Candice, Brandon and Brian. If you're in for a mindless comedy and a good laugh (from an abundance of ribaldry and bold innuendos), then it's the show for you. I knew it was a trashy movie. But Brandon wanted to watch it. (I wonder why he'll want to watch a chick flick.) I'd rather watch Little Miss Sunshine but I didn't want to make things difficult for the rest of them. So I went with the flow. Can't say it was worth the money but oh well. It was funny and entertaining at least. The better part of our time was spent shopping! Candice and I walked around Far East and got pretty new earrings. (: She's a great shopping partner.

Spent the morning today in school with the guitar exco. I forsee busy weeks ahead with open house. The unfortunate part: slipped down some wet steps near the RI bus stop and cut my hand. Didn't realise it was bleeding until 10 minutes later when I wondered why it was stinging so badly. It formed an ugly wound that has slowly dried up into a thick brownish crust. But after I got it wet and soaked in the shower, it softened, cracked and is now oozing some clear, yellowish substance which mingles with the glistening red blood- and it hurts. Somehow though, it's not the only part of me that's bleeding.

Finished off Catherine Lim's The Bondmaid in the afternoon. She's got some bomb vocabulary. I still haven't gotten round to checking up the long list of words I wrote down, all of which she used in the book. She uses words like "insouciance/insouciant" and "obesiance" a lot. I think she's a fabulous writer, if you turn a blind eye to her trashy poetry in the Today paper. My next conquest would be Margaret Atwood's Life Before Man. It should be interesting, but hopefully not as disturbing or extreme as The Edible Woman. At least I'm getting somewhere with H3 lit and am enjoying it. (:

Then, I watched Love Actually. I borrowed it together with Must Love Dogs from the RJ library. I'm starting to appreciate the merits of our school library with it's rather palatable buffet of VCDs/DVDs available for loan. Think I was in the mood for romantic comedies. Love Actually was lovely (pun intended), though kind of confusing at first with so many seemingly unrelated threads of the plot developing simultaneously. But it made me feel somewhat wistful and perhaps too reflective.

But I'm glad the movie made me think, not only about romantic love, but all kinds of love- familial and platonic. Christmas is the season when you tell the truth, tell the people you love that you love them, even though it might be a crazy thing to do under certain circumstances. That was what the movie's convergent plot lines were all about. What's the price to pay for passion? Are you willing to take that risk?

Love actually, is all around.

I would believe so. But whether it is freely articulated or expressed, I am not so sure.

Nonetheless, one thing I know, is that the Father's love is wholly unconditional and unfailing, expressed in ways so tangible but often overlooked by our distracted eyes. We do not realise the largesse of it or look around for the little reminders of love He paints across the skies and the earth. Was reading the first few chapters of Jeremiah last night. His loving kindness was so undeniably palpable. His was more than willing to forgive Israel for their unfaithfulness if only they'd repent and return to Him. Despite their flagrant adultery, His words spoke of a longing for His children to see the error of their ways as He would welcome them home with loving arms wide open.

There's beggary in love that can be reckoned.

Indeed, His love for you and I is immeasurably greater than what we can ever imagine, to say the least.

Hm. I'm in a rather melancholic mood now. Wondering about the whys, hows and what ifs. Off I go, to write some letters that no one will ever read.

risky business

2006-09-29T17:09:00.000+08:00

Finally, promos are over.

I sincerely thank God for keeping me, especially through the past few weeks with little rest and long hours of study time (i.e. the self-imposed and rigorous process of stuffing my brain with (almost) everything that was taught for the entire year).

Without His peace guarding my heart and mind, the hope I clung on to knowing that He will carry me, and the assurance that He is in control, I wouldn't have survived quite unscathed. Battle wounds include big, dark, eyebags, a runny nose (a symptom which exploded right after promos as though it has been holding back all along for the right time) and a very slowly working brain because of the prolonged exertion of the past intense four days.

I've been spending the most of today sleeping and lazing around, which I haven't done in AGES.

And, as you can see, I took some time to change my blogskin. Nope, I didn't design it- evidently. I haven't once changed my blogskin since I started blogging. See how risk-adverse I am? Tsk tsk. I'm somewhat uncomfortable with change (well, depending on what kind of change)- that's why God usually has to use a sledge-hammer on me.

Although I don't really like these kinds of layouts in which there's only a tiny area for you to scroll through, I decided to give it a try. Experimentation, I call it. It does come with risks. But I have cautiously saved my old template somewhere, like a good, kiasee Singaporean who's always prepared with backups- in the remote case of our machines failing us. However, it is important to note that the chances of me completely sabotaging my own blog are increased tenfold because I am an html noob.

So, please kindly comment on this makeover. If you find that it's

1. really difficult to navigate around the page and
2. that it's immensely irritating to have to scroll up and down quite a number of times just to read the entire tagboard,

I will gladly rid you of the inconvenience and revert back to my good old Kisses From Heaven layout that Sandra did for me. Sidebars are always your safest bet. (:

No, I won't be offended by your (constructive) criticism so do feel free to comment! Thankee.

no turning back

2006-09-24T14:26:00.000+08:00

I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back, no turning back.

The world behind me, the cross before me
The world behind me, the cross before me
The world behind me, the cross before me
No turning back, no turning back.

It's all or nothing,

for extravagant love; My Lord and King deserves nothing less.

With what He has given me, especially grace for so undeserving a sinner, it time's to give back- to give my best for Him, for His kingdom, His Purpose.

Though none go with me, still I will follow
Though none go with me, still I will follow
Though none go with me, still I will follow
No turning back, no turning back.

Dead to worldly dreams, I'll stand counted as a fool.

No turning back, no turning back.

acquiescence

2006-09-12T20:47:00.000+08:00

See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.

Where my own words fail me, songs fill the void.

HE WILL CARRY ME
Mark Schultz

(listen)

I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more then I can bear
I feel so empty

Your strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when my hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when my hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when my hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need

He will carry me

Think of Me

2006-09-05T21:16:00.000+08:00

by Mark Schultz
(duet with Rachael Lampa)

(listen)

Packing my bags this morning
Was the hardest thing to do
But packing my bags was so easy
Compared to standing outside your door right now
to say goodbye to you

Think of me
I know you've never seen me cry
Think of me
But it's so hard to say goodbye
Think of me
What can I say to show you
I'll never give up on you
I will be waiting for you

I will be there when you call
I will see you through it all
And even in your darkest hour
I pray that the Lord we found
Will set you on solid ground

I know that it feels like leaving
It's a part of letting go
But I'm praying with hope and believing
That I'll see you once again down this road
I hope that it won't be long

Think of me
I know God brought you as a friend
Think of me
I know He'll bring you back again
Think of me
What can I say to show you
I'll never give up on you
I will be waiting for you

Think of me
I know you've never seen me cry
Think of me
But it's so hard to say goodbye
Think of me
What can I say to show you
I'll never give up on you
I will be waiting for you

-------------------------------------------------

I'm beginning to like Mark Schultz's music. (Maybe I should pester Mike to lend me his album.) Remember Me, Give Us Clean Hands and He Will Carry Me are beautiful songs. I love his lyrics and arrangement, which are evidently God-inspired. His songs are just so uplifting, full of feelings and sentimental nuances that somehow resonate with me. The music touches you right there- your heart.

Such is the power of just notes strung together in sequences, resounding in choral harmony, of the right accents dropped in at the right places, together with the purposefully crafted words which convey more than just its dictionary meaning through the voice's expression of a whole spectrum of emotions.

W o w .

Whenever I think about music, I think about God. I stand amazed at this splendid gift that God has given to some- the precious, and sometimes innate, ability to create not just mere sounds, but beautiful music which has the power to touch, move and change even the hardest of hearts.

gah^10

2006-09-04T20:43:00.000+08:00

Michelle!!!!!! You've got to seriously stop slacking and start studying.

I haven't done any mugging since the hols started, unless you count PW to be substantial enough for work. I am so so so IRRITATED with myself. I've been mostly sleeping off the accumulated fatigue from the school term to alleviate my sleep deficit over the weekend. I spent the first good half of today watching TV. WATCHING TV. It's all Joel's fault. He's forever either on the computer mapling or on the couch watching TV. And once I join him, that's it- I'll be glued there for at least an hour before I can manage to pry myself away. Funny, before this week, I couldn't remember the last time I watched TV.

Somehow, despite this nagging voice at the back of my head reminding me that promos are less than 3 weeks away, I cannot seem to overcome the horrible inertia that inadvertently paralyses my body whenever I slip into this almost trance-like, semi-conscious mode of zero productivity.

Besides, I have this tantalizing stack of library books that I so want to devour if only I had the time: (Somewhat psycho-feminist) Margaret Atwood, Creme de la Femme- women's humour, and other littish, intellectual pickings to beef up my knowledge for my H3 literature topic. Reading is such a permissible pleasure, but not when you have a billion and one topics to cover for 6 subjects in a grand total of 19 days.

And, I'm getting this HUGE guilt trip from Sara because she and a few others spent the entire day in school today studying. When I called her at 7.30pm, she was just leaving school. !!! So, in my frantic attempt to start studying, I'm going over to Nah's tomorrow, away from all distractions (I hope). The grand plan states that wednesday and friday will be mug-day in church and thursday will be the day I get owned by an impossible overdose of Econs and Maths back to back.

Ok, don't worry. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Repeat: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Amen!

What a ~~wonderfully relaxing~~ holiday.

Ack I just remembered! I have dinner with Mrs. Tan tomorrow. Oh dear.

I need a miracle Lord.

it is night

2006-09-03T23:16:00.000+08:00

It is night.

I lie in bed and watch the flickering shadows
Of still objects shrouded in darkness save
For the rays of pale moonlight, metallic
And magical- gentle beams illuminating
Dim, inanimate forms with silvery tendrils.

This is when dreamless sleep is desired
But sleepless dreams transpire to my dread
Instead, wistfully, fitfully longing for the
Comforting sea of oblivion, into which
Waves of cares and worries ebb, ebb away.

This is where facts melt into fantasies
Whims and fancies swirl in and out
Of focus, colours of the imagination
Dance fairy-like in and out of consciousness
I haplessly drift.

I see faces, blurred by the grainy lenses
of memory,
Of fatigue and of waning resistance to the
Insipid lure of the land of perpetual dreaming
Where stories of the mind unfold like
Sepia-tinged movies in play-back mode.

Grotesque forms sometimes dominate a
Backdrop of panic, fear and frantic attempts to escape
From some unknown predator fast, fast gaining
On me I run and run and run and run through a
Long, long harrowing maze of never-ending
Passages and sinister stairways, not finding
My way home nor even a sign which points me
In the right direction. So lost I am

Awake.

With a start I glance at the clock- its luminous,
Green numbers tell me it's 2.07 AM. Still dark,
The world sleeps snugly, so ignorant of my fitful struggle
And of the stuff dreams are made of- it is not all sugar, spice
And everything nice.

Warily, I close my eyes, too tired to fight the flow
And grudgingly let the darkness
Overcome me.

This time the mind's eye takes a more pleasant view
Of fantasy's landscape, where warm, bright shades paint
A radiant tapestry of the heart's unspoken desires.

Of random reflections remembered,
Children, painting, at a table covered with adorable drawings
Of colourful stick figures, some messy, but beyond that
I see us, sitting on chairs too small for our grown bodies, patiently

Guiding small hands which clumsily grasped paintbrushes,
Cooing words of encouragement, before
A quiet calm, coy lull and then- an surprising move
I will always remember, of touch that awakened such
Beautiful sensations, of reassuring warmth, joy,
Of a destiny made certain,
In more than just what our eyes said,
but what our hands too conveyed.

Yet, to know that it is but a mere dream,
I would rather be running for my life, from reality.

It is night.

Perhaps, just dreamless sleep will do.

L o v e

2006-08-29T15:32:00.000+08:00

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,

it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,

always perseveres.

Love never fails.

to forgive and be forgiven

2006-08-29T14:45:00.000+08:00

Should I just forget it if it's not worth it at all? Maybe it's just too bad things turned out this way.

But Lord I can't go on without forgiving or reconciliation. I can't.

I can't pretend that it doesn't hurt either, because it does, though I try not to show it. So tell me what to do next.

Hebrews 12:14-15
Try to stay out of all quarrels... Look after each other so that not one of you will fail to find God's best blessings. Watch out that no bitterness takes root among you, for as it springs up it causes deep trouble, hurting many in their spiritual lives.

Yes Lord I know the gravity of the situation, but the ball's not in my court. It's not up to me to-

Yes it is.

Well- maybe so. I guess all I can do now is to be patient and forgiving in love, and wait for a response no matter how long it takes.

Ephesians 4:26-27
"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

Help me Lord, then, to surrender that bit of anger to You. By my stubborn nature I would be inclined to bear that grudge for a while longer, to feed that growing resentment inside of me. But I don't want that. Please let it not become an insidious wedge driven between friends and siblings. I'm sorry, Lord. I don't want to play the blame game anymore.

Lord I also know this verse isn't only for me. Please speak to the angry heart that needs You.

For me, here it is- everything- surrendered into Your hands.

You might hate me now, but I still love you.

reasons why you should bathe

2006-08-27T18:16:00.000+08:00

Brother came back today from a 3 day long scouts leadership camp. He didn't bathe at all through all those grueling hikes and (I'm sure) icky perspiration, except for powder baths which apparently, combined with the remnants of sticky human perspiration, do not exactly help much. He proudly showed me the battle scars he sustained through this pseudo-rite-of-passage; scores of rashes on his legs, mosquito bites and abrasive injury, as I politely tried to inch away from the wonderful fragrance of a boy who hasn't taken a single bath in 72 hours.

I imagine that the bacteria which feed on dead human skin cells are having a marvellous field day, courtesy of my ignorantly-happy-despite-the-fact-that-he's-so-dirty brother.

Oh, happy bacteria! To feast on the dead skin cells of my oblivious brother!
(a quote grotesquely modified from a line in Antony and Cleopatra. My most sincere apologies to Shakespeare! I hope he doesn't turn in his grave, knowing that some incompetent student flagrantly used his ingenius writing for such amateur, farcial purposes.)

I always wonder how boys can stand going without even one bath a day, when if it was me, I'll be so squeamish, feeling horribly icky and disgusting with that build up of dirt and perspiration on my skin. Ewww. I really felt like grabbing him and dunking him in the bathtub, scrubbing him hard with dettol soap and lots of water until all those yucky flakes of dirt and dead skin come off to reveal gloriously squeaky clean skin.

I have always loved the feeling of coming out of the bath smelling of fragrant shampoo and the comforting knowledge of knowing that you're clean, instead of being a feeding ground for various nasty, parasitic microorganisms. Now that I've started, I shall continue to enthuse about the wonders of bathing. Baths are good not only for hygiene reasons; it also has a thereupathic quality as well! When I'm sad, tired or sleepy, I always take a warm bath and it makes me feel much better. It's a little trick to help you sleep too. Maybe the warm water on your skin simulates the feeling of being back in the womb's amniotic sac of fluid, which makes us feel like babies again, safe and warm in our mothers' bodies.

When I'm angry, in need to some waking, or have just come out of a workout at the gym, I'll take a cool, refreshing cold shower. The shock of the icy cold water never fails to cool me down if I'm furious at someone/something, knock some sense and clarity back into my head, and cools my body down after a long, hard workout. The wonderful feeling of coming out of a cool shower is always soooooooooooooooo good.

Haha I sound like I have an obsessive compulsive disorder with hygiene. You know, like Donald Trump, who's so paranoid about germs and catching diseases that he washes and sanitises his hands as often as he looks in the mirror? Don't mind me being satirical here. Maybe it's the effect of taking English Literature.

You learn how to use language for sardonic effect.

just perfect

2006-08-25T21:05:00.000+08:00

and has it come to this?

Regret, as usual, comes rushing in like the flustered passenger who has missed the last train- too late.

But then again, was I really wrong from the start? Well-meaning intentions still remain, albeit somewhat miscontrued, perhaps.

Misunderstanding is the numero uno wrecker of relationships.

Should I apologise for something I'm not guilty of? You know, just to be safe, because, what if...

Never mind. I wish I didn't care. or didn't need to care.

But the fact is, I do.

up time, down time

2006-08-21T18:17:00.000+08:00

Whatever it takes Lord, break me. If I have to go through the refiner's fire and process of pain, I will, so that I might come forth as pure gold. Cure me of my pride, my self-sufficiency, my complacency.

Whatever it takes, break me, Lord, br e- a--k ----m --e -.

-------------------------------------------------

It's cliched, but life is truly full of ups and downs.

I have no idea where I am along that rollercoaster right now. It feels like an up, with so many unexpected blessings and marvellous miracles to thank God for.

Yet, I feel as though my strength might not sustain me through this week, with so many consecutive hurdles to jump over before the weekend. Then again, the joy of the Lord is my strength; it's not me, but Him, in whom I find my rest. Yes, Jesus, I will take your yoke upon me and give You my burdens, for Your yoke is easy and Your burden is light.

I just want to thank God for being so generous, putting me in places to be part of His plan for great change and revival. Lord, indeed I am humbled by what You have been doing, and what You will do in the days to come. We don't deserve it really. I feel I fall so short, not having spent enough time in prayer, in meditation of Your word with such a love and delight, not having sought Your face as often as David did.

But You say to me: It is not by might, nor power, but by the Spirit of God. By Your grace you have allowed us to be emptied out to be used as vessels for Your love, through which Your power flows. You've inspired us as well through this special person whom You've placed in our class, for the past season of time.

I miss Sabby.

I wish for you to know, Sab, that the Lord will carry on the good work He has started in our class as we as believers rise up to war and stand in the gap. We will believe for our entire class to come to know the love of Christ and the gospel which brings freedom. Thank you for having been such an encouragement and kindling spark to us all. We will press on to fight for our every single one of our beloved classmates, as God consumes us with a passion for souls when we start to awaken from our passive slumber of being merely Sunday Christians.

But you know, it's starting to really sink in.
I miss you terribly.

The Lord gives and takes away.

Indeed we send you off not into the unknown, but into God's almighty hands as you serve a greater purpose in unchartered territory by His leading.

Back here, back to reality, back to school, work
work
work
work
work.

There's more to life, really. It's only that most people have minds blinded to the light that can help them see the truth.

What is truth? (I'm starting to sound like some people I know.) Sometimes, you know it, not up there -points to the head-, but down here -pats my heart in the Sowden way-.

True critical thinkers study both sides of the argument.

Consider then, Faith.
Simple faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. How about that. Try believing. There's nothing to lose anyways.

Up time, down time.

I don't really know where I am right now. Maybe I'm in transit? So what will it be next? An up or a down?

Hm. This has been some disjointed stream of consciousness. I think I'll go take a nap.

I want to dream of no one else but You Lord, and Your infinite power which makes all things possible.

a prayer

2006-08-10T18:58:00.000+08:00

I have had such a productive afternoon. I finished re-working out my maths tutorial 6 and completed tutorial 7 on arithmetic and geometric progressions, at least up til challenging questions. Yay! I did not expect to finish that today. And the AP/GP tutorial is pretty manageable, hence the much-needed morale boost. My class really needs that after our maths tutor openly declared that he has given up hope on us. Anyways, I'm glad that for once I'm actually completely prepared for tomorrow's maths tutorial. Hm. Maybe it's because I decided to get more organised by actually utilising Microsoft Outlook on my computer. I realised, (thank God for Nokia PC Suite 6.81!) that I can actually synchronise my phone's organiser with Outlook on my PC so now I can update my contact list, add in appointments to my calendar and have a fun time striking off a completed task off the to-do list with a flourish. *grins*

But then again, getting organised and actually being organised consistently or following your plan are two different things. I sometimes come away from updating my organiser feeling very accomplished with all the nitty-gritties taken care of and my week well-planned out. But then I realise that though the tasks- which were taken out of my brain where they previously were, floating around mischievously and bugging me- are now written down on paper, do not by any means complete themselves. I have to still do them myself. Hence, I think I'm somewhat utterly ridiculous for feeling so resolved, very much like the hilariously comical description of Pip and Herbert in Dickens' Great Expectations, after they meticulously put down in black and white the sum of their accumulating debts, adding margins to the figures and such.

Anyways, I shall be completely random and insert the following prayer written on a card I got as a gift from Els' London trip, which I am distractedly staring at now. Oh what I'd give to write like that. The language is so lovely; beautifully old-fashioned and proper. But beyond the style itself is the abundance of meaning harboured in those aptly chosen words, which speaks of the author's devotion and desire to be heard by God. I would wish to put the words in old-style English calligraphy just like the antiquated font printed on my card. But well, though it is hardly adequate, this shall just do italicised.

A PRAYER BY JANE AUSTEN

Give us grace Almighty Father, so to pray, as to deserve to be heard, to address thee with our hearts, as with our lips. Thou art everywhere present, from thee no secret can be hid. May the knowledge of this, teach us to fix our thoughts on thee, with reverence and devotion that we pray not in vain.

May we now, and on each return of night, consider how the past day has been spent by us, what have been our prevailing thoughts, words and actions during it, and how far we can acquit ourselves of evil.

Have we thought irreverently of thee, have we disobeyed thy commandments, have we neglected any known duty, or willingly given pain to any human being? Incline us to ask our hearts these questions oh! God, to save us from deceiving ourselves by pride or vanity.

Give us a thankful sense of the blessings in which we live, of the many comforts of our lot; that we may not deserve to lose them by discontent or indifference. Hear us Almighty God, for His sake who has redeemed us, and taught us thus to pray.

Amen.

it's undeniable

2006-08-02T19:59:00.000+08:00

YOU HAVE BEEN GOOD
(Scott Krippayne)

If I never get to see another rainbow
Or share another laugh with a friend
If I never stand barefoot by the ocean
Or get to kiss my child goodnight again

If I never have another prayer that’s answered
Or have another blessing come my way
If this is all I know of heaven’s kindness
Father I would still have to say

You have been good
You have been good
I am in wonder how could it be
You have been good
You’ve been so good
In so many ways
You’ve been good to me.

You have shown me mercy upon mercy
Grace upon grace time after time
I know too well what I’m deserving
Yet you are still so patient and kind

If suddenly it all were ended
And your blessings disappear
Looking back over a lifetime
The evidence is clear

You have been good
I am in wonder how could it be
You have been good
You’ve been so good
In so many ways
You’ve been good to me.

wonderfull

2006-07-23T18:57:00.000+08:00

Life's beautiful.

I've never felt so... happy before. Ok maybe more like blissful? It's a combination of peace, joy and love, like I just can't keep myself from hugging the next person I see or just dancing around in jubilation. Why, you might ask. I honestly don't know. Things are still the same- far from perfect. Not all my prayers have been answered. Even though I still face heartache and rough times, there's this stillness in me that keeps me from crumbling or caving in to the demands of the world. I just find myself waking up most mornings feeling so happy and thankful to be alive, to be breathing the fresh, cool morning air, to see the marvelous blend of colours and light in the morning sky and feeling the crunch of the dew wet grass under my feet as I walk to school. It's weird. But if I may hazard a guess, I would say it's my God of Wonders. (:

A simple appreciation being able to breathe, see, hear, taste, smell and touch, knowing there's so much more to life than what most people think goes such a long way.

I've always lamented a lack of a certain kind of radio station that I'll truly enjoy listening to. Not that I shun mainstream music; it's just that nowadays, everything's either angsty, sad, lovesick, depressing or too full of stuff about sex/vulgarities that I can't stand listening to anything else other than 92.4 and the international station (that's why I sometimes find myself listening to some guy reading the news in french). Music and songs are now centered on things/people other than the One who enabled us to create them. To me, music was meant for glorifying God.

Thanks to Bro. Vic's recommendation, I've found great alternatives. My only grouse is that I need a PC for it. I can't listen to it when I'm on the move. Anyhow, seeing that I need to broaden my music horizons so that I can grow in my craft and creativity, listening to the radio's more economic than buying CDs.

Give live streaming a try:
http://www.christianradio.com/worldstations.asp

The Aussie station Inspire 103.2 FM's my kind of station. Great music, not a lot of talking.

Life's just wonder-full. (:

I'm still staying

2006-07-14T18:40:00.000+08:00

No, this blog won't be left for ruin. For those who have been concerned with the seemingly impending demise of my beloved blog, fret not. I'll still be posting my thoughts here, or articles on random topics just to amuse myself. (:

privatisation

2006-07-09T14:04:00.000+08:00

No, I'm not going to subcontract/outsource blogging to a private firm so that the monopoly of this one-writer blog can be eliminated. Heh. This is what happens when you study too hard for economic geog- you start spouting weird things like these.

Anyways, because of the risk of possibly losing my entire archive of writings due to the impermanence/ lack of reliability of the Internet/Blogger, I have decided to write more in my trusty ol' hard copy journal, instead of online here.

Though typing seems much easier and the text can be easily edited, the other side of the coin is that it is eerily so digitised that you don't really know if it'll always be there once you publish it with the click of a button. To read my blog, I have to turn on my computer and get online. Assuming that the Internet will never crash or suffer a major crippling technical failure, my online diary will be pretty much safe and kept alive, maybe even generations after I've gone. But this assumption is in itself a faulty one. How do you know that the World Wide Web has been, is and will always be? I, for one, will not bet my entire record of memories and reflections on a system that fallible human beings like myself (or more ingenius than myself) created. And, I've had enough of the pain of losing entire posts when, in the process of publishing them, the Internet connection is suddenly disrupted.

Ok, the move is perhaps not based mainly on the above-mentioned uncertainty, but more because of the privacy good old fashioned pen and paper, leather-bound journals afford. Like it or not, there will always be times when you feel so downright -insert intense, extreme emotion(s) here- that whatever you need to write to purge them would be very much damaging or stumbling to whoever reads them unsuspectingly. I myself struggle with that. For me, cathartic releases come through worshipping God, praying, music and writing. Without the last response, I find myself inevitably susceptible to spontaneous combustion in every sense of the word.

I've always been struck by how honest David was with God, his struggles and doubts all very evident through the pages of psalms he wrote. Not only was he completely transparent with God, he communicated to God so honestly his doubts, fears, times of depression and faltering spirit. Usually, when we feel far away from God, doubtful or guilty, we tend to avoid God in a way because of a fear that He will reject us, or in dread of the shame when we actually come to face God. It's easier to live in denial or avoidance than facing the issue directly in God's presence. But David was different. His complete honesty speaks of such an intimate relationship with God in which David trusted Him with all of his heart and was comfortable enough with his Lord and Friend to share his deepest struggles.

That is what I call true intimacy in a walk with God.

This is an attitude of the heart that I want to emulate, to slowly open up all the nooks and crannies of my soul to God. Of course, He obviously knows my darkest thoughts and feelings, but that doesn't negate the fact that He still desires for me to come to Him and tell Him about it. It is an act of ultimate trust, and through this, I will grow even closer to Him. Contrary to belief, it's actually ok to admit our doubts and fears to God. They're not something we have to work through or overcome on our own before we can come into God's presence. Like I said in my previous post, it's all about being honest about it instead of trying to pretend that everything's alright. Although God can see past our façades, it takes a conscious step of faith to come before Him, to confess the burdens of our hearts. You have to trust a friend enough to divulge your deepest, darkest secrets right?

Nakedness is uncomfortable because it exposes us completely. Nobody likes to lose control of what they reveal and what they don't. But trust and faith is built when there is nothing left to hide. And that itself is not an imperative; it is a choice we make.

surrendered

2006-07-04T20:49:00.000+08:00

All it took was that humble surrender, on my knees with tears flowing. I never realised that the process of redemptive restoration would only begin after I surrendered it all to Him in a posture of complete submission, not as a result of struggling to break away on my own strength.

For so long I wrestled with myself, flesh against spirit, spirit against flesh, until it dawned on me that when I fix my eyes on Him, everything else become shadows in the light of His glory. When I opened my stubborn, tightly clenched fist and released those empty desires to Him, that was when He started to do the deep down work that would set me free. I want to be so taken by His love, that nothing else can distract me from the one pursuit that has become my life.

I don't have to first struggle with it myself before I can say that I have overcomed. I surrender and allow God to help me overcome,

for willpower is nothing compared to the love of God;

only He can satisfy.

Shout Your Fame!

2006-06-27T20:03:00.000+08:00

SHOUT YOUR FAME!

2 July

4pm

Trinity Christian Centre

I'm really getting excited about Shout Your Fame! It's going be an awesome event with a difference, with personal testimonies accompanying every song. Wow I think God's definitely going to touch some lives through the songs and testimonies. IGNYTEans, have YOU invited your friends? Yes we've got to keep this covered in prayer as sunday draws near.

If you're reading this and are free this sunday, do come for this! It's more than just a singing competition, and it's so not like Singapore Idol so don't worry. For RJCians, common tests would be over and monday's a holiday so do join us for this event. Wally, Elspeth, Jordan and Annalyn will be there too! I promise you it'll be worth your time. Message me or tag if you're interested!

visit the fabulously cool website www.trinity.net/ignyte/syf for more info!

CTs and a special shoutout

2006-06-26T16:17:00.000+08:00

2 down, 3 to go!

Chinese
Econs
Geography
Literature
Mathematics

Papers were ok today. Chinese was... extremely cold. I mean, we were all freezing in the hall because of the artic air-condition temperature. Rayner was shivering until his teeth were chattering and Daniel Ong was behind me grunting and sighing throughout the whole duration of the paper. My fingers were so numb I could hardly write. But the paper itself was thankfully alright; at least I could come up with a story that made sense for compo. Econs DRQ was ok I guess, except for the last question worth 10 marks, which I did in the last 10 minutes and my answer was the same length as my 4 mark question's. Oh dear. Essay was a give away- on the problem of scarcity. Managed to write a whole page on the premise, establishing why the problem of scarcity cannot be solved. But I kinda approached the rest from the not-so-correct perspective. Oh well. At least it's over and I'm quite sure I should pass Econs, considering that I only started taking it in term 2.

All I have left to do today is to revise geog and make mind maps. Hm. I'm sleepy so I'll go take a nap first.

But first,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BRIAN CHAN!!!

To Brian:

Wishing you a special 18th as you celebrate the 18 years you have been on this earth, and rejoice in how far you've walked with God. Continue to trust in Him for guidance and direction as you walk in obedience to His will for your life. Thanks for being such a blessing to me, and to many others I'm sure, especially your youths. Enjoyed serving with you in Z1 and I'll definitely miss you after your transition but I'll still catch you around. Praying that as you step into this new season that God has for you, you will grow from strength to strength and soar to greater heights as you serve Him in Z2 and your school. Don't doubt your calling for He who has called you is faithful; He will empower you to do things you'll never imagine. Continue to walk the journey ahead with God in faith, hope and with passion as you grow to love Him more.

Once again, Happy Happy Birthday!

(un)regretful

2006-06-25T15:15:00.000+08:00

I must say I thoroughly enjoyed my holidays. But I now realise (a little too late) that maybe I enjoyed it a bit too much. I spent the whole of the first two weeks playing, going out, watching movies, having fun, with the exception of one full day of studying at the library with nah. This kind of continued into the third week although I planned to supposedly start seriously studying for CTs then, but because of class sleepover and stuff, I was still stuck in play mode.

Now, I'm spending the last week of holidays (and the last day too) cramming- ok maybe more like studying? cramming sounds too harsh; I don't study that hard- for CTs. Despite this sudden rush of pressure to cover everything before I have to sit for the papers, I must admit that I completely enjoyed my holidays, which is a rare occurence I must say, what with CTs right after the break.

I was studying at serene macs on thursday with nah and I saw a lanky, familiar figure in a brown sweater and jeans saunter past. I immediately ran outside and said, "Hi Mr. Chia!" It was so so nice seeing him again and I really do miss his amusing bio lessons. He's one of the teachers I really miss from RG. Found out that it is his weekly ritual to go to serene centre for his comics buffet every thursday. And he really looked as though he was enjoying his holidays.

He thinks that we're literally mad for mugging so hard at macs during the holidays. I kinda agree actually. But it's difficult to not get stressed over exams when everyone else is mugging their head off. Every time I went to a macdonalds outlet during the holidays, I found at least one RJC student studying there. SCARY STUFF. But anyways, Mr. Chia seems to think that it's ok to relax and have fun when you feel like it, instead of suppressing the urge to lime in front of the TV and hitting the books. I agree with him. I really do think that holidays aren't proper holidays at all in Singapore with holiday homework and tests immediately when the school term starts.

Anyways it was great seeing him again. After a not very productive 7 hours at macs (nah and I talked too much), we headed for nah's for dinner (we watched Oprah while eating and discovered the "secrets to losing weight and looking younger by 10 years"), then left for the revival meeting at church. When we went down through some condo to get to church, we realised that THE GATE WAS LOCKED. Just like nah's mum warned us when she dropped us off. !!! So I tried to be clever and climbed over the brick wall into the drain area while hannah held my bag. But I totally humiliated myself when who should come walking down the passage way but Christopher (one of my youths) and his mum! Oh man, I was caught standing on top of the brick wall looking quite stunned to see them, and desperately and futilely wishing that the ground would swallow me up. Gah. I knew how completely silly and stupid I looked, especially when chris' mum reminded me how dangerous it was, and the risk of the security guards mistaking me for a trespasser. So I climbed back down. And halfway down the long long flight of stairs at the otherside of the condo (we thought of attempting to climb the other brick wall because it was lower), we realised that we could have gone directly down the drain way from the top of the condo.

Me: Eh nah, isn't there like some drain way we can get down through? Like the time we did to go for jam?
Nah: Oh YA! Why didn't I think of that earlier?
Me: *smacks forehead*

So we climbed all the way up the stairs again and started down the damp and mossy longkang path. And that, was one experience that made me feel really really stupid.

Ok my time's running out. God has done so many AMAZING things that I want to talk about so I shall blog more about the second half of this week and the revival meetings another time- probably after CTs. *scurries back to the books*

and the sun stood still

2006-06-11T13:49:00.000+08:00

This is a real article I received in my email inbox, which appeared in October 10, 1969, in "Evening World", a newspaper in Spencer, Indiana. A rather enlightening read if you'll take the time...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you know that the space program is busy proving that what has been called a 'myth' in the bible is true? Mr Harold Hill, president of Curtis Engine Company, Baltimore, Md, and a consultant in the space program related the following developement:-

"I think that one of the most amazing things that God has for us today happened recently to our astronauts and space scientists at Green Belt, Md, where they would checking the position of the sun, moon and planets out in space, where they would be 100 and 1000 yrs from now. We have to know this so we don't send a satellite up and have it bump into something later on in its orbits. We have to lay out the orbit in terms of the life of the satellite, and where the planets will be, so that the whole thing will not bog down. They ran the computer measurement back and forth over the centuries, and it came to a halt. The computer stopped and it put up a red signal, which meant that there was something wrong, either in the info fed into it, or with the results as compared with the standards. They called the service department to check it out, and they said -"It's perfect." The IBM head of operations said -"What's wrong?" "Well, we have found there is a day missing in space in the elasped time."

They scratched their heads and pulled their hair. There was no answer.

One religious fellow on the team said -"You know, one time when I was in Sunday School and they talked about the sun standing still." They did not believe him, but they didn't have any other answer, so they said -"SHOW US!" He got a bible, and went back to Joshua where they found a pretty ridiculously statement, for anyone who has common sense.

They found the Lord saying to Joshua -"Fear them not. I have delievered them into thy hand. There shall not be a man of them stand before thee." Joshua was concerned because he was surrounded by the enemy, and if darkness fell, they would overpower him. So Joshua asked the Lord to make the Sun STAND STILL. That's right. "The sun stood still and the moon stayed... and hasted not to go down, about a whole day."*

The sapce men said -"There is the missing day." Well they checked the computers and found it was close, but not close enough. The elasped time that was missing in Joshua's time was 23 hrs and 20 min -- not a whole day. They read the bible and there it said -"about a whole day." These little words in the Bible are important.

BUT they were still in trouble, because if you cannot account for 40 min you'll be in trouble 10,000 yrs from now. 40 min HAD TO BE FOUND, beacause it multiplies many times over in orbits. Well, this religious fellow also remembered somewhere in the bible where it said the sun went backwards. The space men told him he was out of his mind.

But they got the Bible and read these words in 2 Kings 20. Hezekiah, on his deathbed, was visited by the prophet Isaiah, who told him that he was not going to die. Hezekiah did not believe him and asked for a sign as proof. Isaiah asked -"Do you want the sun to go ahead 10 degrees?" Hezekiah said -"It is nothing for the sun to go ahead 10 degrees, but let the shadow turn backward 10 degrees."** Isaiah spoke to the Lord, and the Lord brought the shadow 10 degrees backward. 10 degrees is exactly 40 min. So 23 hrs and20 min in Joshua, plus 40 min in 2 Kings, make the missing 24 hrs that space travellers now had to log in the log-book as the missing day in the universe."

* Joshua 10:13
** 2 Kings 20:10

Christian Humour

2006-06-11T13:44:00.000+08:00

Thanks to Charis for forwarding this to me. The midweek comic relief was very much welcomed. (:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a church that had problems with outsiders
parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign:

CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY
Trespassers will be baptized!"

CHURCH SIGN BOARDS:

"No God - No Peace"
"Know God - Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven."
"Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays."
"They're better than Dairy Queen's".

"Searching for a new look?"
"Have your faith lifted here!"

"People are like tea bags" --
"you have to put them in hot water before you know how
strong they
are."

"Fight truth decay"
"study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity"
"Smoking or Nonsmoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages
of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows
U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being
born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to
obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch."
"What is missing? - (U R)"

"In the dark?"
"Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith?"
"Step in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep."
"Talk to the Shepherd."

"Come work for the Lord."
"The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is
low. But the retirement benefits are out of this
world."

An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands
holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments
are inscribed and a headline that reads,
"For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to another Church put out a
big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays,"
the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are
open on Sundays, too."

AND THE WINNER IS...

- ON THE PASTOR'S PARKING SPOT -

"PASTOR'S SPOT"
"YOU PARK, YOU PREACH"

Why

2006-05-29T22:35:00.000+08:00

Click here to watch a video that moved me to tears.

Thank You Lord.

patience

2006-05-24T21:23:00.000+08:00

Dear Lord,

Please help me through this time. I know I just need to be patient and wait upon You, to just surrender and trust in Your plan for me. Please help me not think too much.

Your ways are higher than my ways, and Your thoughts higher than my thoughts. For when man proposes, God disposes.

Whatever it is, I know it's all in Your perfect plan. There's no point in human endeavours, in striving to do things my own way. So please help me to let go so that I can release it to You.

It's difficult, but I know I have to.

Give me a faithful spirit that will quietly trust in You, without doubts or questions, that will grow to love You more and more until it becomes me.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

All I need is -You.

Desperation- RESCUE

2006-05-14T22:31:00.000+08:00

You are the source of the life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of you

I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There's no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow you

This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You

and that makes the two of us

2006-05-14T21:05:00.000+08:00

"haha... that makes the two of you :)"

As innocently meant as this comment was, I couldn't help but be struck by it. Until this point, I never really realised how alike we are- the same temper, the same loud voice, the same authoritative manner, the same commanding tone,

the same pride, the same reluctance to apologise and say that we're wrong, and the same struggle we face with each other.

I am like him.

He's like me.

I don't know how to love him in the face of his temper and storm of angry words; it's so difficult.

But put myself in his shoes and I get the same thing: he doesn't know how to express his love for me when I get all huffy with him. It's a circle, a cycle, a system of gears; once one cranks into action, all the others start turning in tandem. How do we get out of this, I don't know.

It's a deadlock, a standoff, a stalemate.

None of us dares to initiate a move because you can never tell when the volatile other might explode in your face. He must feel the same way. I should walk a mile in his shoes, to know how it feels like. Someday I'll be in his place. But right now, I can't see from his perspective because we're meant to be at odds with one another. It's the Generation Gap, they say.

I'm trying, and sometimes, when I put myself in his shoes, I feel downright ashamed of what I've said and done, though it's realising too late for the damage is done. Then, I'll remember what he has said and done and I'll feel angry again. What can I do to make things better?

I feel like it's such a huge drain- for the lack of a better expression- to jump across. The gap has widened so much until I don't know if I might jump and miss the landing, falling deep into the ravine below.

But before one of us takes the first crucial though humbling step to make peace, it's still going to be a standoff, like the Gulf War, complete with all the ammo and casualties.

Who can break a stalemate?

------------------------------------------------------

God will make a way
where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
hold me closely to His side
with love ang strength for each new day
He will make a way

He will make a way.

still the God whom I praise

2006-05-09T19:39:00.000+08:00

Father, thank You for everything.

Though I may face challenges and rough patches,
it doesn't discount the fact that You have been good
and will continue to be good to me.

I will choose to thank You in every circumstance,
to praise You in every trial,
to worship and adore You,
each and every single day,
to call upon Your name in every storm,
to wait upon You in the quiet,
to linger in Your presence
amidst all the busyness...

I will choose to seek You at every cross-road,
for You know the path that I take,
to say that You are Lord my God,
despite the giants and roadblocks...

And no matter what life may bring,
I will love You for who You are

my Beautiful Saviour and Magnificent King,

still the God whom I praise

yesterday, today and for the rest of my days.

I l o v e Y o u .

amazing love, how can it be

2006-04-30T18:59:00.000+08:00

God has really been doing such AMAZING things in my class, as the next THREE testimonies would show...

There was this morning when a few classmates and I were just going to have a short time of worship in our classroom when a non-Christian classmate popped in, thinking he could do his homework there. We couldn't possibly chase him away so he just sat there while we started to worship God. I think he was just silently observing us throughout the whole time. A few days after that, I decided to ask him how he felt about being there with us. He said that he had never felt anything like it before, and it was very different from his experiences in other churches (he occasionally attends just to find out more about what it's like).

What really caught me was how he likened that indescribable feeling to this: he said that the closest he ever got to that feeling was when he was listening to some top-notch orchestra play in Vienna. Knowing how much classical music means to him (he's this really pro double-bass player for the Singapore Youth Orchestra), that was really like WOW! He must have felt God's tangible presence in that place! When I told him that, he just shrugged it off saying that it was probably just the music. But I know for a fact that my guitar playing can't possibly rival a Vienna orchestra. Even a simple morning worship with just the voices and the guitar can usher in God's undeniable presence such that a non-Christian can feel it!

This is really so encouraging because I believe that he felt something different. And the thing is, I don't think it was pure coincidence that he has been "popping in" for the past two of our meetings. This is a great testimony of how prayer really works wonders and how God can touch the heart of a non-believer. Because of that incident, my classmate is one step closer to God. Indeed, God will draw all men to Himself.

Testimony no. 2:
My classmate, who backslided from God, came for A Doctor's Journal, felt the powerful touch of His love and re-dedicated her life! William and I have been praying hard that she'll come back to God and God answered our prayers. I thank God that she has been coming for service and FUEL ever since easter and I believe that she'll grow by leaps and bounds in her faith.

Testimony no. 3:
On wednesday, I was with Sara and Brenda in the canteen. I popped a rather random question which started a conversation about religion. At first Bren was quite evasive about the topic so I I thought she was going to reject me, but in the end, she told us that she has actually kind of been believing on-off in God ever since she was young; it was just that she never had to courage to actively come to know Him and because her family's Buddhist. But then she said that when she attended a morning prayer meeting last week, she decided to stop running away from the truth- she wanted to know God! I asked her if she wanted to receive Christ at that point and she said yes. So I led her in the sinner's prayer there and then and she was saved! Wow! It just happened that the previous monday meeting, a group of us were praying for her salvation! And I have been praying for so long that she'll come to know His love too. God has really answered our prayers!

Now, my class has 14 Christians out of 24 people, when we actually started out with 12. We have grown by 2 and it has only been 4 months! Now, we're all believing and praying for God to add to our numbers and to His kingdom. In all these, all I can say is PRAISE GOD! For He is great and works in miraculous ways. (:

Dear Lord,
Thank You for answering our prayers and allowing your love to touch the hearts of our friends. I just can't express my thanks and love for You enough because Lord, You are just so amazing beyond what words can describe. I pray that you'll continue to use me, as well as the other believers in our class, to be good testimonies for You, to be Your extended arm of love to those who have yet to know You and to bring this light of hope into their lives too. I love You and give You thanks for these two souls added to the family and I pray that they'll grow to know You more day by day, experiencing Your power and love like never before. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

everything to me

2006-04-23T12:07:00.000+08:00

Everything to Me
by Avalon

I grew up in Sunday school
I memorized the golden rule
And how Jesus came to set the sinner free
I know the story inside-out
And I can tell you all about the path that led Him up to Calvary

But ask me why he loves me
And I don't know what to say
But I'll never be the same because
He changed my life when He became.....

Everything to me
He's more than a story
More than words on a page of history

He's the air that I breathe
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
Oh He's everything, everything to me

We're living in uncertain times
And more and more
I find that I'm aware of just how fragile life can be

I wanna tell the world I found
A love that turned my life around
They need to know
What they can taste and see

Now every day I'm praying
Just to give my heart away
I wanna live for Jesus
So that someone else can see that He is....

Everything to me
He's more than a story
More than words on a page of history

He's the air that I breathe
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
Oh He's everything, everything to me

And looking back over my life,
At the end
I'm gonna meet You,
Saying You've been....

Everything to me
He's more than a story
More than words on a page of history

He's the air that I breathe
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
Oh He's everything, everything to me

a much needed update

2006-04-16T19:55:00.000+08:00

Ok ok, I know, sorry, haven't been updating in a looooonnnngg while. Have been real busy with school, especially with guitar concert coming up. Oh I shall publicise it here:

RJC GUITAR CONCERT: "EX ANIMO"
19th April 2006, Wednesday
7.30pm at the RJC Performing Arts Centre

Tickets only at $7! Let me know if you want to come and I'll order tickets for you. (:

I actually tried to update once. Typed a really really long post and clicked "published" but just then, I lost my internet connection AND THE WHOLE POST WAS GONE! Like that! I was soooooooo put off that I didn't try to blog again. Until now. *prays the the connection won't let me down again or else I'll cry*

I always seem to be lagging behind Time, like I'm always straggling behind trying to catch up with its unceasing acceleration. I'm always short of time. Why? Life is just full of to-do lists, one after another. Before I scarcely clear one, another one is added to my load. It's quite frustating to always try to catch up. Currently, that's the best way to describe my life: I'm just trying to catch up...

Catch up catch up catch up. Catch up with sleep, catch up with old friends, my family, school work, people etc etc etc. The list just goes on.

Why am I always lagging behind? When will there be a time where I don't have to catch up with things anymore?

The obvious answer is that I have extremely poor time management, which I admit is rather true. But it seems implausible to me that I should ever get out of this "catching up" cycle, even with the best managed schedule on earth. Why? Because there'll always be things to do. To do, to do, to do.

Perhaps I should just give up trying to catch up because the fact is, I never will. Because there are so many things I need to do and want to do that cannot all be done within 24 hours a day. That's why. That does not give me a reason to slack, but rather, gives me a much-needed license to let myself stop once in a while and just totally cease from functioning at top speed to finish that never-ending to-do list.

For me, it's a constant struggle because I can easily slip into a workaholic overdrive with disastrous consequences if I let my overachiever instincts take over. It is not something new to me. That's why it's so hard for me to allow myself to "slack". Ok perhaps slack isn't such an appropriate word because it evokes guilt. Rather, I shall use to word "rest". (: Seriously, setting aside time for that essential rest should not be labelled as slacking, which is a common (and sometimes costly) error in Singapore's overachieving society.

God rested after 6 days of work on the 7th day and He called that the Sabbath. It is the Sabbath rule that we must all observe in order to stay healthy and functioning at optimal performance. If God needed a rest after 6 days, what more us? If we work for 6 days continually, the 7th day is allotted for our rest. But for me, my sundays are always spent doing homework- yes, catching up. It really seems impossible to observe the Sabbath with school life in RJ. Maybe that's why so many of us are always so tired, sleep-deprived and worn out.

But at least I shall try to observe that rule which governs our very health (physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually) because I know that if I veer from it, this body might not be able to take it.

Even if you're reading this and are not a Christian, I urge to you try adopting this principle of rest for yourself. It is not about observing a religious rule but more about loving yourself enough to take care of your health.

Forget economic policies to boost growth and all that rubbish. If only Singaporeans would get at least 8 hours of sleep a day, workforce productivity would be at its maximum like never before, and our economy would grow!

Jesus Take the Wheel

2006-03-26T16:50:00.000+08:00

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy
with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me

sleepover without much sleep

2006-03-13T20:02:00.000+08:00

Nowadays I'm finding my desire to write diminishing. Somehow. I don't know. I'm just too lazy with words, it's too difficult to sit down and write something that is of substance. Or perhaps it's just that I'm feeling rather inferior at this point in time; you haven't seen the people in my class. If 13A is supposedly the smartest humans class, what on earth am I doing in here? That's another of life's inexplicable mysteries for me.

That aside, I really love my dear 13A to bits. We're such a special class; every single one of us so unique but amazingly, we ALL click! And click well we do. Had so much fun last night at Su-Mae's wonderful wonderful house! Ate a lot, talked a lot, did crazy stuff and made people do weird dares. (: Ah... since cell was gone, I haven't had the chance exercise this skill of mine- thinking up of very very (I wouldn't say embarrassing) interesting dares, for the benefit of the gleeful spectators. But I must admit defeat. Sara totally owned me last night (or this morning since we were up til pretty late).

The dare: she made William write SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS with his butt.

Not very original, but it got all of us were rolling on the floor laughing so hard, until I teared and had a stomachache. I must say, William had very legible butt-writing. (: I thoroughly enjoyed myself and except for the lack of a good night's sleep, I felt that that was the best class gathering I'd ever had in my entire life. I don't think it was because of Su-Mae's large and conducive house with lots of food and everything [thanks Su-Mae and Mrs Chia!], although that was a definite factor, but it was because of the people- my fellow 13Aers who are so fantastic and lovable. Being able to be part of 13A is one of the biggest blessings from God. (:

We all left Su-Mae's house at about 11 and trooped offto the mrt station looking quite a forlorn bunch, perhaps because we were feeling rather woozy. I made a split second decision to alight at eunos with Sara, William and Xue Yang who were going for some geog project course thing which they were not too enthusiatic about. Don't really know what made me do that, but somehow instead of staying on the train with the rest and going home to my nice, comfy bed, I decided to stay with them until they had to go (mainly for poor, sunburnt Sara's sake). I was starting to regret it when Daniel Ong led us to a hawker center for lunch. It was a hot day. I was yearning for air-conditioning.

But anyways, after William and Daniel left for the latter's house, Sara, Xue Yang and I were just stoning and sporadically saying random stuff. Then somehow, we got on to the topic of religion vs. science, the whole idea of there being something greater than just this universe and our little lives. Perhaps it was just me being me, turning the conversation a little deeper when Xue Yang said that this is a sad, sad world we're living in.

We proceeded to have a stimulating discourse on religion, faith, God and scientific theory. Being a true blue intellectual and KI student, Xue Yang challenged the views I presented and made me think a lot more about the reasoning. I knew I that might have been shooting myself in the foot for even engaging in that conversation. But I believe that somehow, God gave Sara and I the words to say, and even if we couldn't quite put forth an absolutely convincing argument, we must have put questions in his mind and challenged his belief in science and logic. We knew that it wasn't for us to convince him but for the Holy Spirit to convict his heart. Even apostle Paul said, "My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power." (1 Corinthians 2:4-6)

I was warmly heartened by the fact that he wanted to find out more about our views as Christians. His questioning has also taught me to defend my faith, an exercise which I am grateful for. I left feeling glad that we got a chance to talk to Xue Yang about this, and I sensed that what was exchanged definitely made an impact on him. Whether or not he decides for himself to accept what we've shared as the truth, we as believers have done our part as ambassadors of Christ.

"Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect..."

1 Peter 3:14-16

Psalm 73:25-26

2006-03-01T20:05:00.000+08:00

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You.

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

here with me

2006-03-01T19:44:00.000+08:00

Has been a while since I last blogged. JC life is really pretty hectic. I hardly get to reach home before 5pm anymore, except for fridays- that is, if I don't have play readings on. Being so busy with work, I find myself once again in that familiar place of too much bustle, caught up in the whirlwind of activity, with worldly paper chases and the highly competitive rat race which characterises a school like RJC. It's extremely hard not to let all that sweep you away with the flow because everyone's just fighting so hard not to merely do well in school; it's not enough to be outstanding, you have emerge valedictorian- to be the best. This is a mantra and goal in life for many people I know but I strongly disagree, for reasons which the book Purpose Driven Life would explain very clearly.

Anyways, back to ranting about my schedule. My weekends aren't much better either, though I'd like to think otherwise. The past two weekends have been rather mad with theatre play outings clashing with church commitments (which IRKS ME TO NO END- why must we always watch plays on saturdays?), LCE and lots of work to complete. I'm not going to compromise church for TSD anymore. I don't care if Mr L. will shoot me death glares or if I have to endure his snide remarks for the rest of the two years.

I've realised with so many things on my mind, I shall just go mad and die that way if I didn't create time-out periods for myself, just to relax, let go and allow myself that space of rest and peace. Be it on the bus home from school or in the middle of "chionging" work, I find myself yearning more and more to be in God's presence, to let Him lead me beside quiet waters and make me lie down in green pastures as He restores my soul. Ah the comfort and peace I experience just being in His arms transcends all understanding. (:

Without these moments of just being still and knowing that He is God, I don't know how I'm supposed to go on. God's my lifeline, to whom I cling on tight, lest I fear the darkest, deepest recesses of the rocky valley. I was listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's Burn the Ships on the bus home just now and the song really spoke to me. Nobody said it would be easy. But the one who brought has brought me thus far is never going to leave me alone.

His resounding voice continues to ring in my head; bringing words of promise and hope, something I'll never exchange for gold nor silver, better than any self-help book written in the whole wide world.

So do not fear for I am with you,
do not be dismayed for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

And that for me, is all I need to know.

please hold my hand

2006-02-27T17:43:00.000+08:00

Lord, I need You more than ever before.

God's Grandeur

2006-02-12T19:07:00.000+08:00

The world is charged with the grandeur of God.

It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;

It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil

Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?

Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;

And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;

And wears man's smudge and shares man's smell: the soil

Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.

And for all this, nature is never spent;

There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;

And though the last lights off the black West went

Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs---

Because the Holy Ghost over the bent

World broods with warm breast and with ah! Bright wings.

-Gerard Manley Hopkins

I came across this poem while doing my prac crit (practical criticism) for lit. It is really crafted so beautifully that I felt that I must share it. At first I didn't quite understand what it was saying, but this explanation has enlightened me, and I quote from here:

"Hopkins is lamenting how humans have taken the wondrous natural resources that God has given to us and treated them poorly. But Hopkins ends his poem with hope because God has not given up on us. Although Hopkins is talking about nature and how we should not take it for granted, he is also talking about a greater gift, the gift of God's love, that we also take for granted. Hopkins chose to not take God for granted. He gave up the comforts of his family and money, he gave his all to God with no expectations for any return on his investment in this life.

His poetry was an important part of his life; however, he did not seek to have it published because his writings were a dialogue between himself and God, he needed no other participants. Although his eyes were focused on Heaven and God, although his rewards were future oriented, the fascinating result, how your bio-psycho-social-spiritual body works, is that you find great joy when you live a life that is deeply spiritual."

The language used in this poem is beautiful- the imagery, the visuals conjured by the right choice of words; it is a precise and difficult craft, almost like working magic through the mind's eye. "Shook foil" refers to gold leaves reflecting the light and "oil/ crushed" refers to olive oil. Amazing isn't it? What apt metaphors! The use of a caesurae in the last line gives it a good climax- a breathy exclamation of God's wonders. God gave us the tool of language to express ourselves and Hopkins has definitely perfected the art of using that construct, being able to put complex emotions, scenes and thoughts in words which bring across the exact meanings intended, and evoke so much more from the reader. Oh, what I'd give to be able to write like that! Beautiful, just ah! Pure beauty. (:

will she say, "I do"?

2006-02-01T20:54:00.000+08:00

Hey, you- yes, YOU- do come for this V-day special, an original production by IGNYTE. (: There'll be free chocolate fondue, so for those who have never had the guilty pleasure of that indulgence, this is especially for you! Do drop me a tag or sms if you're interested. You can make this a special V-day date with your loved one. ;)

in Christ alone

2006-01-24T20:10:00.000+08:00

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I've been blessed beyond measure
And only by His strength I've overcome

Oh, I could stop and count successes
Like diamonds in my hand
But those trophies would not equal
To the grace on which I stand

In Christ alone I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory, let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone will I glory
Though only by His grace I am redeemed
And only His tender mercies
Can reach beyond my weakness to my needs

Now I seek no greater honor
Than just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses
For the glory of my Lord

In Christ alone I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory, let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

crossroads

2006-01-24T18:35:00.000+08:00

Decisions, decisions.

Here I am again, finding myself at the all-too-familiar place of having to make yet another decision. The feeling of uncertainty makes me very perplexed because, more often than not, after I have vaguely reached a decision, I get this niggling feeling that it might not be right. Then I would start the whole cycle of "is this better or that better? But then..." process of rationally thinking through the issue, weighing the pros and cons of each side. You wouldn't believe how much I've agonised over my subject combination (e.g. H2 maths or H1 maths or KI?), which CCA to join, and whatever else I have to decide on which would have a considerable impact on the next two years of my JC life.

Being the commitment-phobe that I am, making decisions are as painful for me as it would be for an image-conscious girl, who absolutely detests shopping, searching to buy the most flattering two-piece outfit on a miserable budget of just $30, with only one day to do it. This analogy is especially true (not the image-conscious part though) when I have to make decisions which require me to commit my time.

Let's face it- I only have 24 hours a day, minus 8 hours of sleep (I wish), that'll be 16 hours. Having learnt from previous experiences, I am very wary of biting off more than I can chew, and taking on commitments which might collectively overburden me. I have realised that the implications, consequences and possible repercussions of whatever choice I make must be thoroughly considered, for making the wrong decision would have dreadful consequences.

Currently, I am still rather optimistic about JC life, about finding the right balance just so, that I'll be able to ~~sail through~~ survive these two years in RJC. I am more heavily involved in church commitments this year (and I do foresee, into the future) so I need a CCA that does not overtax me with too many trainings, demands, and rehearsals scheduled last-minute. I started this year thinking that I'll just join a slack CCA like recreational badminton and forget about it so that I can have more time for family and church. However, it now seems that is considered "inadequate" for a student to just join such a CCA as her only one. People would worry about how that would look in their testimonial. Part of me wants to worry about that too, but the other half of me says, "Don't conform. You only live once so make the most out of it."

Now I'm really getting frazzled about this whole CCA thing. If only Student Venture (christian fellowship) was a real CCA!

My heart keeps telling me to seek God. My mind, being the only rational/logical part of me, tells me to analyse it and try to solve it like one would solve a maths problem sum. However, a decision derived from rational analysis might not necessarily be right. The thing is, we have to understand that we sometimes won't understand the ways of God. His ways are always higher than ours. When He directs us to do something, though it might not make any sense at that point in time (determined by our rational thinking- naturally), He has a reason for it so I'll choose to trust in Him.

Having asked people for their opinions and ending up with them telling me so many different suggestions, it's really easy to get my confused mind in a whirl. I get easily swayed by the opinions of others, especially if I am still in the valley of (in)decision. Hence, I have come up with a list of guidelines in making my decision:

1. Seek God
He's the only one who knows the plan He has for me, and what's in my best interest. Human wisdom always falls short so instead of turning to the counsel of man, why not turn to God? It's not enough to merely seek God. When He shows me which way to go, I will obey Him out of a heart of love and trust, without questioning or doubting. I don't ever want my feet to stray from the path of my destiny God has intended for me to walk.

2. Prioritise, put things in perspective
Essentially, what is the most important? Why am I living? What's my purpose in my life on earth? I'll consider if what I want to commit to has any eternal significance, or would make a lasting impact in lives for God. I constantly struggle with putting my own interests and goals first before God's will for me. "Everything is permissible —but not everything is beneficial." -1 Corinthians 10:23. With this in mind, surrendering my will to God is an area I need to work on. I am not my own; I was bought at a price.

3. Consider the counsel of parents, Godly friends, leaders
I know that God can speak through people. But of course, it is a matter of who I speak to. Maybe I should just stop asking so many people what they think and try seeking the counsel of those who have a spiritual responsibility over me- people who are wise in their years, whom God has given wisdom to so that they can help young ones like me navigate the difficult paths their calloused feet have previously thread on- namely, my parents, adults and pastors. Now, why didn't I think of that earlier?

Maybe I need to stop thinking about myself, and start thinking about God and others. This brings to mind my new year resolution, which is based on the verses Matthew 22:36-38. Perhaps I should join a CCA that does not take up that much of my time, for investing my time and efforts in the kingdom of God is the most worthwhile. Not that I'll neglect my CCA; I just want to be able to honour my commitment to God in serving Him, and to my CCA at the same time.

Initially, I was thinking of taking up a sport. But now that I've really pondered about it, prayed about it, and have clarified my thoughts through writing, I come to the conclusion that it might not necessarily be the best choice for me. I don't want to have that pressure of balancing an increased JC workload, family, church, and a very demanding CCA among other things.

I've come to realise that when I make a decision and feel God's peace, I know that I'm on the right track. Though I have not specifically decided what CCA to join, at least I've narrowed down the scope.

Ah well, though it is excrutiatingly agonising, God uses every single decision-making process to test us, mould us, and teach us to trust in Him, despite the pressures and uncertainties which threaten to overwhelm us. Like how Abraham was willing to surrender Issac on the sacrificial stone, I will lay my dreams, ambitions, fears and inadequacies all at the foot of the cross as I take that step of faith to choose the right path. Though I may not be able to see where the road not taken might lead, I will trust in Him for He holds my future in His Almighty hands.

This one's for You, Lord.

Tagged- AGAIN.

2006-01-22T20:24:00.000+08:00

Your Ideal Partner:
1. Male Or Female
2. 8 Requirements of your ideal partner
3. Tag 8 other people and notify that they are tagged.

1. Male of course...

2. Requirements
i) The most important thing: He must be a strong and mature Christian, i.e. he must really really REALLY love God- at least as much as I do, or even more- and have such a burning passion for Him and for souls. He must be a man after God's heart and would be willing to give up everything just to serve Him.

ii) Must be from TCC, preferably having grown up in Passion/IGNYTE too.

iii) Would fully support me if I'm called to serve in full-time ministry, or better yet, go into full-time with me! (: (Because he wants too, of course)

iv) He must be a gentleman- a person of character, integrity, prinicple and walks in the ways of God.

v) Must love children.

vi) Must love dogs! (:

vii) Preferably a nature-lover, who relishes spending time in the great outdoors.

viii) He should be unassuming, comfortable with being who he is, not afraid to speak his mind and to be his real self, despite what others might think or say.

3. I shan't pass this on for I'm quite sure no one likes to get tagged (note: I do not speak for those who are so dreadfully bored that such tag things become a much welcomed thrill). I hope and pray that I won't get such tags anymore either.

Since I had to describe my ideal partner- the key word here is "ideal"- it would seem that my expectations are unrealistically high. I know that that special someone whom I'll eventually end up with might not be as I imagine or expect him to be, but a girl can dream, can't she? (: It's all in God's hands really, whoever He has destined specially for me. I will trust in Him for when the time is right, I will know. (:

I know I haven't been faithfully blogging in an awfully long time. It's regrettable and I sincerely apologise for not updating. The demands of school and my need for sleep has kept me from signing in to blogger or even turning on the computer. I refuse to write half-hearted posts in a sleepy stupor as well. Even now as I sit typing in front of the computer screen, my eyes feel tired (maybe from the glare of the screen) and a weird headache has developed- I feel as though someone has put my head in a clamp and is slowly tightening it. Hence, I shall promise to find a time to properly sit down and update because so much has happened (and because I really need to go to bed now).

Hang in there Michelle! Saturday will come soon...

orientation

2006-01-08T19:55:00.000+08:00

Orientation was really really fun, but as much as it was a blast, it was extremely tiring. People who've seen me in church on saturday would know. Shuang said I looked as though I was still in lalaland. In a sense, I still am, especially because my body hasn't really adjusted to sleeping and waking early.

Anyways, I LOVE MY CLASS!!! 07A13A rocks! I really thank God because I've got really great people as classmates like Julee, Bren, Sabbie and William. At least I have two ex-classmates and one churchmate. (: Mr. Sowden, my form teacher and RJ's only resident grandfather, is endearingly quirky too! The best thing is that we're a class that's really into arts and we're all under the Humans provisional scholarship (I think) so have a common passion for the humanities. Finally, we're in a class of our own.

Right now the only thing that's keep this from becoming picture perfect is TSD. I don't know if I'll get in for Theatre Studies and Drama. The audition went ok but I can't believe I forgot about the written paper! *smacks forehead hard* At least Mr. Lyon was nice enough to let me sit for it after the war games. I'm really praying real hard that I'll get in, or else I'll have to choose either economics or history. *grimaces* But if I don't, it'll really be God's will and I'll accept it. TSD's rather time-consuming too so I guess it might be just as well.

I'm looking forward for this year to get into full swing, in terms of school and church. God has really got me excited about what He's going to do and how He will use me for His purpose. Though initially there'll be lots of adjustments and stuff, and I'll have to find the right balance of all my commitments, I believe God will bring me through every single step of the way.

I'd better go prepare for school to start proper tomorrow. My planner's really empty and all so I need to start filling it up, like marking all the important dates and stuff.

To my fellow J1s, hope you guys have enjoyed orientation and all the best for the new school year ahead!

back

2006-01-01T17:27:00.000+08:00

I think I'm losing steam with regards to my blogging.

*alarm bells go off*

Haven't felt like blogging in ages and currently, I merely update for the sake of keeping this blog marginally alive. With school starting again soon, I'm not sure if I'll blog as often anymore. Well, I'll see how it goes.

I got back from Hong Kong at 2am on the 28th. Unfortunately, HK wasn't as exciting as I expected. I must say, I didn't thoroughly enjoy the trip, although there were moments I truly felt as though I was on a relaxing vacation. To those who are considering going on a HK holiday, allow me to caution you: retail therapy in HK is completely implausible. Actually, I feel it stresses you out more and is a rather harrowing experience. I felt so nauseated and claustophobic walking around the shops, especially at Mongkok's Ladies' Street- the HK version of Singapore's "pasar malam" or night market.

On the bright side, I enjoyed two of the six days we were there- the day we had a barbeque in the mountains at Sai Kung, after which we took a 2-hour plus hike, and when we visited Ocean Park. I queued the longest queue of my entire life, and I think, for the rest of my life, for the park's newest ride- the Mine Train. My aunt, bro and I queued for about 2 hours just for that ride! The other more popular rides like the Viking were almost as bad. But all the time we spent queueing was worth it in the end because the top three rides- the Mine Train (it has 3 heart-stoppping drops! whoohoo!!), the Viking and the Abyss Turbo Drop, were so exhilarating.

I love thrilling rides. The scarier, the better. Some people would ask- why pay the money to scare yourself? But for me, the thrill and excitement of a vertical drop or a centrifugal spin are what I crave. I'll usually try all the most challenging rides in whatever theme park I go to.

I admit, it's dreadfully frightening sometimes, but at least I've got the guts to give it a try, although sometimes I get so scared when I'm finally on the ride that I instantly regret my impulsivity. BUT I'll always go off after that seeking a greater challenge because they're never as bad as I imagined it to be. I love what gravity does to you and the adrenalin rush of such rides. (:

School's starting soon (and I hear the groans of students all over Singapore) but I have to face the inevitable. As much as I dread it, there is this little bit of excitement of going to a new school. I don't know what this year would yield for me but I'm just going to trust God.

I will be still, know You are God.

all I want for Christmas

2005-12-21T14:33:00.000+08:00

Just came home from the hair salon. I got my hair cut. (Duh!) But I feel so shorn and shaven! Besides giving me a fringe, the hairdresser also cut my hair shorter than I wanted it but oh well, I guess it could have turned out a lot worse.

I'm flying off to Hong Kong on Friday and there are so many things I need to settle before I leave e.g. my photo albums (mum's been chasing me to finish the pictorial chronicle of my life until the present), doing a major spring cleaning of my room and throwing out all the junk etc. AND I haven't started packing for the trip yet. Once I get back, it'll be the IGNYTE pre-launch service, watchnight service and then BAM! school will be starting in no time.

Fact of life: Time does fly when you're having fun.

I'm really excited about finally going to HK to visit my Aunt Irene and Uncle Raymond but at the same time, it's such a bummer to miss Christmas in Singapore with family and friends. I've never been overseas during Christmas and this time, we'll be away from the 23rd to 28th, and Christmas is right smack in the middle!

To me, Christmas is a season of not only remembering our Saviour's birth but also a holiday for spending quality time with family and friends. Never mind about the presents; Christmas without my loved ones wouldn't be the same. Technically speaking, I'll have my immediate family to celebrate Christmas with in HK but I'll really miss everyone else, like Uncle David and Aunt Judith, Rachel and gang, my dear friends from church like Hannah and Brandon... I'll miss going for the morning Christmas service in church on the 25th, singing Christmas carols, waking up on Christmas morning with the excitement and anticipation of opening up the presents, and the list goes on. Nothing beats the feeling of waking up at home on a Christmas morning. The mood is just so different, so magical, so wonderfully festive.

To look on the bright side, HK will be exciting and the cold weather they're experiencing now will definitely add to the Christmas feel. I can't wait to try out the theme parks! My bro and I would challenge each other to take rides until one of us feels dizzy or becomes nauseous and gives up. I know it sounds crazy but we have a lot of fun that way.

I'm looking forward to the shopping too! I haven't been able to find gifts special enough for my friends in Singapore so I'll be finishing up my Christmas shopping over there. Hey guys, I'll really sorry that your Christmas present will be late because I don't want to just buy anything off the shelves here in Singapore. I promise it be something better than if I got them in here. Especially to Nah, I'm so so sorry, but I really want to get something special for a friend as special as you. (: Love ya loads and HAPPY HAPPY SWEET 16!!!

I still haven't managed to convince my mum to let me buy an acoustic guitar with the money I got from some award her office gave. My fingers are just itching to strum some metal strings! Sigh. Oh well, I'll get my acoustic, someday...

TAGGED

2005-12-19T16:01:00.000+08:00

I got tagged! And now I'm IT. Haha I guess you can't really avoid this for long so here goes...

Rules of the game:
1) Post 5 weird/random stuff about yourself.
2) At the end, list the names of 5 people whom you want next to do this, and leave a comment "YOU ARE TAGGED!" in their blog and tell them to read your blog for rules.

I like to eat Macs french fries with this special DIY sauce- garlic chilli sauce with mayo. And this sauce must be mixed in the perfect ratio: 3 packets of chilli sauce to 2 packets of mayo.
I am the ultimate Sabo Queen. I can think of really really good forfeits/dares that will make you wish you'd never played whatever game we were playing before you had to do the forfeit, like Truth of Dare or gel during cell. Just ask any of my cellmates and they'll testify to this.
I used to read the dictionary just for fun when I was in primary school. But now I don't have that luxury of time anymore.
I believe that olive oil is really good for the hair so I use it every day. People have been using it as a natural hair product for the longest time. I don't use a lot lah, just a little tiny bit enough to get rid of some of the frizz. But still, it's not 100% effective.
I enjoy fasting.

The lucky Chosen Ones who will be doing this next...

Brandon
Dinesh
Rachel
Ben
Jordan

amazing

2005-12-15T13:52:00.000+08:00

Time to get out of my blogging slump!

I know this post is really terribly overdue but I haven't had time to sit down and properly blog about youth camp since I came back. Spent the first few days after camp sleeping off the fatigue, but spiritually, I was (and still am) so INFUSED with His fire! So much has happened and words cannot even begin to describe the power of God and the awesome encounters. They're still fresh in my memory but I really don't know where and how to start. Anyways, I know I won't ever do the camp (and God) justice by my recount of it so I shall just briefly describe my experience and testimonies, for the sake of the archives.

Firstly, I want to thank God for putting me in charge of such a great group- NOBLE! Knowing that I'm not one of those seasoned leaders or SPs, although I was AGL for last year's camp, I was initially pretty scared by such a huge responsibility. As a leader, I have an impact on my group members' camp experience (a point further emphasized during the leaders' pre-camp briefing). It's like a make or break thing. AND, this time, I won't have Josh, or anyone above me in leadership to lean on. So naturally, I was quite freaked out. Although my experience last year with Josh was awesome, but my stint as leader for the Ignyte conference this year wasn't as good (to the point that I don't even want to remember it). I was praying hard that my camp group wouldn't be like the Ignyte one- quiet, introverted, unresponsive and unenthusiastic (except maybe for Brenda Er :)).

And God answered my prayer! He also assured me that I wouldn't be leading with my own strength, but with the annointing and wisdom He will give me. NOBLE turned out to be such a joy to lead. I thank God for putting each and every single one of them in this group, including Sister Michelle. Hey my dear Noble clan, love you guys LOADS! I really want to thank God for Zechariah too; he was really such a lifesaver. He has the amazing ability to break any ice, no matter how quiet everyone may be. He's a natural comedian and a hilarious radio DJ. Those in Bus 1 would unanimously agree with me, I'm sure. Haha...

I had lots and lots and lots of fun with the games and activities, but above all, I ENCOUNTERED GOD!!! The experiences during the services and various times were WOW!!! Like I'd said, words can't fully describe how wonderful it feels to be in the awesome presence of my King, to feel His loving touch and His peace which transcends all understanding, to feel Him bring down internal walls at the sound of His voice. He is just SO AMAZING. I went to camp with my expectations and I think He met all of them. There's just so so much I want to thank Him for and nothing I can ever do can ever come close to fully repaying Him; except that all I have is this life and I will live it for Him alone.

Out of the many amazing things He has done throughout the camp, He has shown me the path I will walk, and the destiny He has for me. When God showed me the vision, it was the biggest, most life-changing experience in my entire life. I guess you can call it my burning bush encounter. Though the journey ahead may be daunting, as at the thought of my inadequacies, I honestly feel afraid and unsure of myself, I know God will walk with me. The One who calls me is faithful and He will do it. [1 Thess. 5:24] Not by my own strength nor might will I fulfill my destiny but by His grace, power, spirit and annointing. He does not call the qualified but qualifies the called. I am just an empty vessel, fully surrendered for His purpose.

Lord, thank You. Yes, I will go wherever You want me to go, and do whatever you want me to do. Here I am, send me!

On the last day's morning service (was it morning or afternoon? I forget *sheepish smile*), I remember that I was just crying out for God to fill me with His compassion for the lost, a burden for the many souls who are hurt and in pain because they don't know the freedom of His love. God filled my mind with images of teenagers cutting themselves, tears streaming down their faces, of young people looking so desolate, crying out in pain inside and no one sees it.

At that point it was as if God placed in my the same love Jesus had for people and I just broke down in tears so badly. I've never felt such a heavy burden to reach out to people before and I'm sure, God has given me a heart for His people, that I will feel the heartbeat of the Father, a Shepherd looking for His lost sheep.

I know that there are so many young people out there my age, suffering in silence, looking for love in all the wrong places and not finding it. They so desperately need someone to tell them about the love of God and I want to be that someone. I wanted so much to hug them and tell them that there is a Heavenly Father who loves them, who cares for them, who has written their names on the palm of His hand, who has a plan for them, to give them hope and a future. I wanted to tell them that Jesus died for them on the cross for them so that they don't have to carry that guilt and shame anymore. It doesn't matter what they have done because there is no sin too great for God to forgive.

Our generation needs us. IGNYTE youths, are we ready to arise to war for and redeem the souls from the clutches of the enemy? The harvest is ready but are we? If we're not, we might just lose the whole crop. This is too big a battle to fight alone so as a ministry, we must be united in one spirit, vision and purpose. There's no more time to waste because Satan sure ain't wasting time in retaliating. It's too much of a coincidence that so many of us (especially the leaders) were sick during and after camp. More things will come but I know that nothing will stop this mighty army from storming the rusty gates of hell.

The war is on.

wow week

2005-12-05T18:23:00.000+08:00

Wow the whole of last week was awesome!

As you can see, I have been really busy so I haven't blogged in quite a while. Went to church every single day for the whole of last week, for most days, from 8am to 7pm, except for Sunday when we went to Ash's house for cell sports day. I've done so many things, learnt so much, had so much fun, made fabulous new friends and strengthened existing friendships. There's really a lot of stuff I want to blog about, but right now, time only permits me to just type out something so that my blog won't seem dead.

Highlights of last week:

1. Jamming! with the wonderful worship min. people and my dearest friends. ;) I learnt a lot from everyone, especially Jas and Mad. Thanks, you two, for temporarily taking trainer-less little me under your wings. (:

2. Josh came back from Melb!!! I didn't realise how badly I missed him until he walked into the chapel with Pastor D. in the middle of friday's jam session. I was playing second keys and almost screamed out loud. I did kind of scream in surprise and joy but I think the music from the auxs was quite loud so no one heard me. I really love him sooo sooo much, as a big bro of course. (: He's really like the older brother I never had, and we can talk about a lot of stuff. I thank God for you, Josh.

3. Spending time with my awesome awesome friends like Nah and Brandon. (: I love you guys!

4. Finding out that I'm leading a camp group with Zech (J2, pro drummer, the guy who blew balloons with his nose on Passion! Believe it or not). He's really wacky and weird (in a good way) and I think we'll definitely have a blast during camp.

The past week, and even today, has been full of ups and downs, euphoria, disappointment, adrenalin rushes, and discouragement. In such a short time, a lot has definitely happened. Of course, camp's the biggest (and only) thing on my mind right now and I want to go with the excitement, anticipation and expectation of God doing a great work in all of us. I want to remain positive, after all the challenges I've met with preparing stuff for camp and having overcomed them with the power of prayer and God's faithfulness.

There's so much more I want to say, but I have to go pack for camp now, or else I'll sleep late again and probably board the wrong bus tomorrow in a state of semi-consciousness without even realising it . And that's reeeeeeaaally bad for a leader. Haha, I know if I do that, Bro. Vic. would really hamtam me.

It'll be an early night for me today, after so so long.

hunger and prayer

2005-11-28T14:06:00.000+08:00

As weird as it might sound, I'm starting to like fasting.

Though I've been awake for almost four hours now without eating anything, I haven't craved food so far. That's a vast improvement from the last time. (: Perhaps it was because I focused my mind of God and spent lunch time alone with Him.

It was so awesome. As I worshipped Him, I felt internal dams being broken, wounds being healed, faith being restored and my spirit renewed. I can't describe how wonderful it feels to truly worship God without any reservations, distractions, or façades, feeling His tangible presence right there in the room, and knowing that He delights in my praises. I guess somehow, the physical hunger does cultivate a spiritual hunger, and an insatiable one at that. I still haven't had enough of Him. Can't wait for "dinner"! (:

It's heartening to know that the whole ministry's fasting and praying together at the same time. When I prayed, it felt different from the times I've prayed during TAWG. I could feel the energy and contagious faith fueled by corporate prayer. Haha, I know it sounds a little far-fetched, but somehow, it was as though all our spirits were linked as one.

I think praying and fasting together is one of the best ways to foster closer bonds and form strong covenantal relationships. I thank God that my cell loves praying too. It's a must-have part of cell every week. Praying together has really fueled my faith, brought my prayer life and relationship with God to a new level. I'm thankful for my dear prayer buddies too. (: Without fellowship, it's very hard to build a strong relationship with God and steadily grow in Him. I love my ministry!

Through prayer, I've gotten really excited about IGNYTE (oh dear, we're going to have a whole generation spell "ignite" with a "y", says Pastor D.) and INFUSED. They're going to be all that I will think about these three days. Of course, after that, I'll still be praying but I believe that these three days of fasting and prayer are very crucial. We need to cover our pastors, adult leaders, camp committee and everyone in the ministry with prayer.

Matthew 9:29 says, "According to your faith will it be done to you." I know He will answer our prayers, because we trust in Him.

what will it take to forgive?

2005-11-27T23:39:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how mere words can hurt a person.
Careless insinuations, caught by the biting wind.

Damage meter- comparable with Hurricane Katrina.
Oh, you'd better watch out too.

Perhaps I said the wrong things at the wrong time.
But did it really warrant such a response?
Well, I shouldn't be surprised, but there is a limit to
the buffer which keeps me from breaking into pieces
by fending off the lethal, poisoned arrows.

What shouldn't have been said was said,
taken as anything except what it truly meant.
Tone of voice, body language, they do tell a lot, don't they?

But, he's as unpredictable as the weather. Well, maybe not the weather
because the meteorological centre can forecast whether it would rain within the next 5 hours.
But with him, you can never tell when the skies would break loose with a raging storm, or if
beneath the quiet, still waters of Guilin, there is a vertical drop to the watery graveyard down below.

The damage is unprecedented too.
I'm sitting here typing in my dark room, worsening my myopia/astigmatism because the bright computer screen almost gives me a headache.
I've turned off the lights. I don't want to see things too clearly.
For now, at least.
Too much light and clarity might be painfully blinding, or bring back unwanted memories of what and when.

I've had enough, almost.
But I've developed a capacity for hurts. That might be a boon and/or bane.
Sometimes, it scares me to think of what might still be hidden in the depths of my heart.
After letting the tears flow their course, I turn the tap off and declare the area off-limits.
To whom, I have no idea.

Forgive and forget.
That's not quite feasible. Perhaps, to forgive. But both?
One doesn't need to forget in order to forgive. Neither does one necessarily have to forget after forgiving.
We have to remember life's lessons, don't we? Or else, we might just make the same mistakes twice.

Can I find it in my heart to forgive?
I hope so.
I need to,
but I know, I will not readily though.

Yet, this soft voice inside me whispers:

He's not ready

He's not on his knees yet
He's too strong to be weak
Show him mercy

He's not his knees yet
Let him break please

Make him better
Put the pieces back together...

I know I need to see him and everything that has happened through God's eyes.
My human, stubborn, prideful ways and myopic perspective will always complicate things.
Or, make them a bigger deal than they really are.
And so, I will get down on my knees and pray,
for him, myself and everything in between.

Lord, I need You to help makes things better.
Stop the hurt, the anger, the tears.
Stop the bitterness, the hate, the unforgiveness.
Release Your grace that covers all sin,
and forgives all our iniquities,
Your love that heals the hurt,
restores, renews and releases.

The knowledge of Your love for me
Is the truth that sets me free
Kisses from Heaven,
From Father God to me.

And so, I've returned to the roots of my blog's namesake.
It's ironic, what it took to make me realise what it really meant.
It's ~~Hershey's~~ Heaven's precious Kisses that are keeping me from turning into a cynic, a world-hating, apathetic atheist.
And so, I shall cling on to Him, for He knows the path I walk and where my feet thread-
He is right here beside me; He is all my comfort.

Lord, as imperfect as we both are,
I know Your saving grace will wipe our slates clean,
wash us whiter than the snow.

Father, forgive me. Forgive him.

He doesn't know his worth
Wears the saddest smile on earth
But he denies it
Love is reaching out to him
But he won't let it in
He defies it
He defies it

He's not ready
He's not on his knees yet
He's too strong to be weak
Show him mercy
He's not on his knees yet
Let him break him please
Make him better
Put the pieces back together

He thinks that he's alone
I have walked the road he's on
And I know he's searching
Looking everywhere but up
He can't fill his empty cup
So he keeps hurting
He keeps hurting

He's not ready
He's not on his knees yet
He's too strong to be weak
Show him mercy
He's not on his knees yet
Let him break please
Make him better
Put the pieces back together
Help him please
He's not on his knees...
Yet

-He's Not On His Knees Yet by CeCe Winans

I will keep on loving, because He first loved me.

the marriage debate

2005-11-25T13:16:00.000+08:00

Today's motion: Marrying a person would not change a thing about how his/her feelings for you.

Opposition (Speaker 1): This House believes that marriage would change the feelings of a person towards his/her fiancee/fiance.

Firstly, let us expound the definition of marriage. According to the Merriam-Webster's definition, it is:

1 a : the state of being married
b : the mutual relation of husband and wife
c : the institution whereby men and women are joined in a special kind of social and legal dependence for the purpose of founding and maintaining a family

2 : an act of marrying or the rite by which the married status is effected; especially : the wedding ceremony and attendant festivities or formalities

3 : an intimate or close union.

However, we cannot merely rely on politically correct definitions to fully elucidate the complex concept of marriage. How about the more intangible aspects of marriage like the strength of a loving relationship? It is indeed a difficult concept to grasp and comprehend. Nevertheless, we shall attempt to extract as much of its meaning in order to arrive at the understanding that marriage does change one's feeling towards another.

As much as marriage is a legal declaration and contract, it is also about showing your other half how serious you are about him/her, a lifelong commitment in which you pledge to love each other "till death do us part". It might sound so idealistic but in reality, faithful marriages do exist (i.e. they really love each other till death does them part, unlike those short-lived/shotgun celebrity marriages).

If a man proposes to woman, it shows that he is ready for the commitment, would only love her for the rest of his life and desires to spend the rest of his days with her. Instead of remaining indifferent, her love for him would be in fact strengthened and the relationship would progress to another level, to become more intimate, more serious and more readily committed. If he isn't ready, he would not be able to broach the subject of marriage because it entails commitment and total faithfulness to only one woman.

To say the two words "I do" at the altar requires immense courage, confidence in both oneself and one's partner, and of course, a strong, compelling love for the other half. Marriage, like the words of the pledge both man and wife would say, would mean still loving your spouse despite all odds, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. This would indeed test one's love for his/her husband/wife, when both are called to face different challenges which will threaten to dissolve or dilute one's love for the other. Being able to endure the storms of married life would definitely fortify a relationship as the couple faces life's journey together as each other's soulmate.

We must be careful not to reduce marriage to just a technical term used to describe the status of one's love life. Most people see marriage as a political and social institution, by which people are conveniently defined in terms of family, personal status, and whether one would be eligible to apply for citizenship on behalf of a foreign bride etc, etc. However, we must bear in mind that marriage is not primarily an institution, but more importantly, a tangible manifestation of a couple's love for each other.

The big C-word COMMITMENT cannot be avoided. But once it is embraced by both husband and wife, it is really the bond that cements their relationship, the fuel that drives the relationship through the rough journey of life, the wings that enables it to soar to new heights, leading to a truly loving, mutually edifying friendship which makes life worth living.

what an R-rated sight

2005-11-24T13:44:00.000+08:00

I was posed a question, from a recent post on someone's blog, and it has given me food for thought. His post was about young people making out in public (i.e. "kissing, fondling and monkeying in that scandalous sense in public areas"). I responded to his post with this comment (I've since edited it here and added more substantial points):

"This kind of behaviour, to me, cannot be condoned. Teens our age are always making out all over the place, in the bus, on the MRT trains, in parks etc. It's disgusting. I really can't stand it, especially when I'm out with my younger brothers. Most of the time, they don't really care who is in the vicinity (like whether there are any younger children around); they just have eyes for each other. I think this is really inconsiderate and irresponsible behaviour.

I mean, I don't think that they should be so touchy-feely with each other at this age, even if they are going steady. For me, I don't believe that serious relationships can start or work out while we're still students. Why the rush? We should focus on our studies right now, develop as a person, realise our potential and make the best of our youth. We'll have plenty of time when we're older, more mature, having discovered who we are as a person and are ready for commitment.

I do think that making out in public is definitely inappropriate. It is not a moral judgement, but rather, more an issue of defending the rights of the people around us. Yes, our peers in question may argue that it's their business and we shouldn't be busybodies, that they have the right to do whatever they want and it's not harming anybody, but the public also has the right to be spared inappropriate displays of affection (to put it lightly).

Have they considered how others would feel seeing them make out like that in public? It's a sight hard to avoid, especially if you are in a crowded MRT train and they are right in front of you.

I believe in a girl's basic modesty. She should protect her dignity and not allow her boyfriend (or just any guy) to take liberties with her. The girl is at fault as much as the boy is. Yes, the guy may be the one initiating the physical contact but the girl could have put a stop to it. Even if I'm in a relationship, I won't go beyond holding hands and a peck on the cheek. It might sound so old-school but I believe it protects the relationship from degenerating to physical attraction or lust.

Loving someone isn't just about liking how they look; more importantly it is about the person's character and inner beauty. A relationship based solely on physical attraction will never last. It isn't real love; it's lust. We shouldn't let lust cloud our senses and blind us to what the person is like deep down inside. Let's face it- I guess desires are quite natural, thanks to hormones and the automatic nervous system in males, but we must constantly fight the urge to follow our emotions or go with the flow. Peer pressure and mass media can be a strong influence but we need to stand upon God's word and learn to say no to temptations.

Anyways, God made man and woman for each other, and the sexual pleasures are only meant to be enjoyed after marriage. God blessed us with the ability to feel and the physical mechanisms for intimate relationships but it is not meant to be frivolously used with just anyone.

If you truly love someone, you'll want to keep yourself pure for that person. It's my way of being sincere and honouring my future spouse as well. The same goes for guys too. If the other person is truly meant for you, he/she will wait. Since both of you know that sex is not what your love is built upon and is not essential in the courting stage, you will be willing to wait for each other. It takes faith, patience and perseverance for a relationship to withstand the test of time and temptations, after which it will emerge assuredly as true love.

I know that majority of the people in our generation do not think like me and might scoff at all that I've said here. But God has called us to be a holy and blameless people for Him in a crooked and depraved generation, in which we will shine like stars in the universe. [Philippians 2:14-16] I don't care what people think or say, I will stand up for what I believe in and do what's right, to live by my principles and not conform to the pattern of this world.

All I have to say about people who make out in public is that they are not mature enough to fully comprehend the implications and consequences of their actions. Ironically, most people think that once they're sexually active or at least have some experience with the opposite sex, they're matured. But true maturity and wisdom comes from understanding what love is all about and striving to maintain the purity of a relationship."

Most don't make a big deal out of frenching and making out, but I ask, why do you engage in that sort of behaviour if you're a confident person who is sure of yourself? I think girls who let their boyfriends do all sorts of things with them are insecure. Contrary to belief, they do not exude confidence. Instead, I think that they are too meek to stand up for themselves. They're afraid of losing their boyfriends, thinking that saying no would put them off. But if he's a guy and a respectable gentleman, he will want to honour you and keep his hands off.

I was just surfing online quizzes yesterday out of utter boredom when I came across one titled something like "how hot are you? (for girls only)". Out of curiosity, I clicked on it and there were questions like how do you kiss- one of the options was "with a lot of tongue"- and what you would do if a guy flirts with you. I was quite amused because these are not gauges of how "hot" a person is, if you choose to define it as the attractiveness quotient.

To me, the most attractive quality of a guy is that he is on fire for God. That is my number one criteria. I don't care how he kisses, or whether he has great abs. Physical appearances are given was too much importance when people talk about the criteria for a boyfriend/ girlfriend. For a girl, having an independent spirit, daring to speak up and stand up for what you believe in is what makes one "hot". You don't have to give in to whatever your guy may want. There is this thing called The Freedom of Choice, in case you didn't know. Don't tell me that you don't have a choice because you sure have a voice and legs to help you walk/ run away when things start to get out of hand. Ok I know I'm digressing a little so I'll steer this post back to the question it started with.

Why do people make out in public? I can only think of a few answers, some of which do not make sense to me:

To show how in love they are
(like a physical declaration to the world)
Because it's cool (is it really?)
Because all their friends are doing it with their steads
(must you be a sheep? baa baa...)
To show that they are mature (haha...)

Well, it might sound like I'm poking fun at these couples who are *ahem* overly expressive of their affections (if you want to put it in a nice way), but I really think that they need to wake up. Even if they don't want to right the wrongs before it's too late for their own sakes, they should at least think about the poor, long-suffering public (including my friend and I) who are constantly assaulted by these rude sights.

I've said my piece. Do comment, even if you disagree with me big time, especially if you're one of those people who like making out in public- you're welcome to argue your case. (: You might think I sound so holier than thou but hey, it's only my opinion. Although you may criticise my point of view, you may not use profanities (though I know you probably have a whole vocabulary bankful of them), hurl abuse or embark on personal attacks. Thank you and have a nice day. (:

I do hope that our society will not only talk about becoming a more gracious and cultured first-world global city, but actually take action to change mindsets and adopt more civilised attitudes. Perhaps when our youth of today start to change themselves for the better (myself included), Singapore will have a hope for the future. Ok I'm starting to sound like an old grandma/ the MOE so I shall stop now.

Let's go on a Anti-(Outrageous)Making-Out-In-Public campaign!

once a Rafflesian, always a Rafflesian

2005-11-22T11:59:00.000+08:00

Oh wow I just found out that Corrinne May is an alumnus of RGS! Awesome! Haha, it's really great to know that another Rafflesian sister has carved out a niche for herself, and is touching many lives in a huge way with her music. Here's the post which sounds eerily similar to mine. The way she writes is so beautiful too! Her style is indeed unique, as it is in her songs. It's really encouraging to know that fellow Rafflesians are living their dreams, that our aspirations can be achieved. Indeed, sisters in learning and sisters at heart, life lies before us, here's luck to the start.

This is post is dedicated to all my dear friends from the graduating Class of 2005. Yes, Hamsie, this one is for you too, thanks to your polite request. (:

You guys have really changed my life in ways you might not realise. The special bonds and friendships formed will always be so dear to me. The memories of us together, mugging hard for exams, trying to stay awake in class, teasing each other about our "scandals", struggling to sing the impossibly-high-pitched national anthem loud enough for Mrs. Chan to hear and our silly antics will remain in my mind like a slideshow of photographs. I'll review them from time to time, calling them out from the depths of my treasure chest of memories, and smile at the recollection of the good old days.

Though most of us are all going on to RJC, we will most likely go different ways with our different subject combinations and specialisations. To my dearest class of 411, you guys have really painted my world in so many different colours of varying brightness and shades. Being the only class that doesn't take physics, we are indeed a special bunch because we share a common weakness: Maths. Thanks to the wonderful Mrs. Chew though, we miraculously managed to pass Maths (some, with flying colours) and survive a whole two years of trigo, algebraic quadratic equations, graphs (now groan with me, "But Mrs. Chew, do we have to?") and other excrutiatingly painful topics.

The teachers may recognise us as quite a notorious class, but I think they all know that we are a unique bunch of students, gifted in areas which might not necessarily be academic, with diverse talents and quirks (like Ren Hui's one-woman magic shows). I want you to know, I'm really proud of our class. My upper secondary years were my two most memorable and enjoyable years in school. Thank you for all the fun, laughter, support and love. I won't forget.

To Weiz, this one is specially for you. You are such a dear friend to me, as squishable as my fat hamster (I'm not saying that you're fat though, you are so toned man, so keep working on those abs!) and as cute as Hamtaro. You're a really special person (don't ever think you're not) and I'm so glad to have found a friend in you. You've cheered me up when I was down and brightened up my day countless times. Thank you. Let's morph into tomboys in JC so that we won't have any boy trouble! Haha (: You rock, Hamsie, and you know it.

To the three other long-suffering prefects of 411, Juliet, Kar Wei, and Cynthia, you guys are awesome! Julee, I'll never forget your encouragement and motherly instincts. (: Your words and support meant a lot to me. Kars, your wacky (and a little skewed) sense of humour is always a much welcomed comic relief for me. I admire your serious side of professional work ethics and leadership. Thanks for being such a great friend. Cyn, I really can't say all that I want to say to you in this post because it's getting kind of long so I'll write you a long long letter, which I know you'll like. (: In short, thanks for being my best friend and going through so much with me without giving up on me. What you've given me and taught me is priceless and you've really shown me what true friendship is all about. Love ya loads! *hugs*

To Fianza, the batch of 2005, we've been through so much together and have come so far. The journey has really been a life-changing experience in more ways than one. Thanks for all the songs, encouragement, support, and yes, even the tears. I've learnt so much from every single one of you. The Board won't be the same without all of us cookies, so unique in different ways but we compliment each other so well, just like the tinful of chocolate chip cookies. ;) Even as we go our separate ways, let's keep the spirit of Fianza and RGSPB burning bright, wherever we go and in whatever we do. Shut out the light (shut out the light), I'm still not afraid (afraid), cos you're there to hold my hand.

To the sec. 4 batch of Tribuners, you guys are such a eccentric but funky bunch! I guess writers are always a little off up there. *taps the skull* Thanks for a wonderful 4 years of rushing articles in time for deadlines which we never meet, thinking of crazy ideas for articles, correcting each other's grammar and typos in the freezing Raffles Room with temperamental computers and surviving the change of teacher i/c. *grins* To my dear EXCO, thanks for a memorable two years of planning, organising and coordinating various Trib. activities together. I'll never forget those times when it's already 5.30pm on a Tuesday evening when we try to get out of having those draggy EXCO meetings which can go on forever.

Special thanks goes to Suat (: Though we only got to be really close friends since sec. 3, you're as dear as a sister to me. We share about so many things (especially about *ahem* hahaha, Suat you 'lil heartbreaker you) and you always make my day during Tribune sessions. I wonder how I could have survived without you. I hope we will remain good friends even though you're going full steam ahead into the Science stream (ah I can't believe you're giving up Lit!).

The time I've spent in RGS has been one of the most priceless experiences I've had, and I'm sure, I'll ever have. I've fallen more than once, picked myself up with the help of my friends and teachers, learnt so much more than just academic knowledge and skills, made so many fantastic friends and will leave with a truckload full of precious memories. You, my friends, have given me so much. So richly received, so willing give. I hope that we'll all keep the Raffles spirit burning strong and bright as we take on the challenges of the future to achieve our highest aspirations.

Here's one of my favourite quotes by Nelson Mandela and I hope that you too will find a powerful inspiration from his words of wisdom.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.”

Once a Rafflesian, always a Rafflesian. Someday, we'll meet each other again and we will remember the bond which forever unites all of us- the fact that we are all Rafflesians at heart. Let's aspire, strive and dare to be active creators of a better age for all. And in all Rafflesian-ness, I shall end with a

Filiae Melioris Aevi. (:

Things will change next year. Will you?

what is Christmas to YOU?

2005-11-21T22:53:00.000+08:00

I have been sitting around at home, eating, sleeping and getting fat. It feels like I'm preparing to go into hibernation any time soon because I've been sleeping so much, feeling rather lethargic and eating more than usual. My gluttony is almost like I'm trying to store extra energy for the long, cold winter. When school starts next year, you'll probably see me padded with extra insulation against the cold, just like the polar bears.

Speaking of cold, I'm freezing my toes off right now. The chilling wind's blowing through the window and brings with it a special scent which comes every season of cold. It whispers in my ears that the time for jubilation is here- Christmas! It's my favourite celebration of the year. (: It makes me want to curl up in my warm bed with a nice big cup of hot chocolate while listening to Christmas songs.

The marble flooring of my house really drains off all the heat from my feet so I'll put on thick, warm socks too. This is the time of the year when I wish that we had chosen parquet flooring instead of marble for the renovation. However, who am I to complain? Some kids in countries devastated by war, natural disasters and epidemics do not even have a proper roof over their heads. Christmas is also a time of giving, to remember what we are so generously blessed with and to give to others who lack these blessings.

Most people miss the whole meaning of Christmas as they get into the festive mood by buying and receiving presents, throwing parties and everything. It's really a season exploited for commercial purposes. It's easy to forget what Christmas is truly all about when Christmas sales are advertised almost everywhere as the 25th of December draws near. To me, it's a time to remember and celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, the Messiah, even though He was not actually born on the 25th of December. However, the special message behind Christmas is lost as it becomes more like a secular holiday all around the world.

The good side to this is that even as non-Christians celebrate Christmas, we can invite them to our Christian celebrations and share with them the love of Jesus. It is indeed a season when our pre-believer friends can also join in alongside with us in rejoicing. Hopefully, it is through the story behind Christmas that they can come to know Him as a personal Lord and Saviour.

move on

2005-11-20T11:30:00.000+08:00

Hey girl,

Thanks for the awesome chat last night. I'm really glad that we can talk about things and get the misunderstandings cleared up. Thank you for being honest with me. I must say that it takes great courage to tell me how you feel. I just wish that there's something I can do to make you feel better but I guess it's not for me to help.

I know the affairs of the heart are really affecting you. What's more, this morning's revelation came as a shock to me. Haha, I'd have never expected it but I guess it does make sense. I hope you're not dwelling on these complicated matters but keeping focused on God and not let your emotions distract you from living a life of purpose and passion.

I know it's really difficult to get over it; remember that I'm in the same boat. (: But you know what, God is here to help! Pray that He will give you the strength and self-discipline to control your thoughts. Channel your energy and use your think-space for more significant things. It's not impossible to forget, it just takes time to dilute the feelings and wash away the painful memories. Give yourself that allowance to deal with it slowly, but yet know that in order to completely be free, you need to take action.

You may be thinking that letting go might be risky because you don't know if things will turn out differently. However, remember that God has a special someone reserved just for you! Who he is, you don't know yet, but when they time is right, he'll come along and you'll know that you've found the person God meant for you as a soulmate.

For me, I'm assured that I don't need to worry about things like that because it's all in God's hands. He has a special plan for my life, of which the details are still unknown, but I'll trust Him completely to direct my path and help me make the right decisions.

We were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves?

If you look at the big picture from the right perspective, I think we're all quite silly to get upset over small, insignificant little problems like these. It's a waste of time, energy, emotions and think-space to ruminate on them. I've learnt to keep my focus on God and not let my emotions rule my mind, not allowing myself to be distracted by clinging on to feelings which are slowly eating away at my faith and sanity. (:

My dear sister, I pray that you will find all that you need in God. He's the only one who can satisfy your need to be loved and love in return. Look to Him and you will find that peace and assurance which nothing else can give. If it's love you're looking for, you're barking up the wrong tree if you turning to mere people for emotionally dependent relationships. You don't want to get embroiled in those. Man disappoints, but God never does.

Anyways, I'll keep you in prayer and I hope that we can continue to be frank with each other. I had a great time last night laughing over the silly details we pointed out which were rather hilarious. It's good to take to these problems in a light-hearted manner and positive attitude. Sometimes, it's better not to take things too seriously. I try to laugh most of it off and it helps. (:

When there's a will, there's a way. When there is God, there'll definitely be a faster and more effective way! It's not something you can resolve on your own; you need God. As you seek Him with all of your heart and soul, you will find Him in the quiet place and He will come and fill the God-shaped vacuum in your heart, only if you let Him. As you place Him as the centre of your life and your first love, you will find that forgetting will become so much easier because the love of the Father is overtaking everything else.

God does not love as Man does, for He heals, He restores and He releases. May you find that love which you've been searching for in the Father's everlasting arms, for He is still there patiently waiting for you to come back into His embrace.

sisters in learning and sisters at heart

2005-11-18T17:25:00.000+08:00

The title of this post is a line from the chorus of our school song, which we sang for the very last time last night at the end of graduation dinner at the Meritus Mandarin ballroom. It didn't quite hit me that I'll be leaving my alma mater until last night was in full swing.

I'm really glad I went in the end. I guess my previous post was written out of pre-prom jitters. I spent the night taking pictures (like everyone else) and hardly sat down to eat the $60 dinner that we paid for.

Perhaps I shall recount yesterday's sequence of events chronologically. I woke up at 8am to write my speech because I won the title of Most Likely To Be Next RGS Principal, among other MLT titles like Superstar, Tai-Tai and President. After hurriedly writing my speech, I went for the morning rehearsal at the hotel together with the other MLT winners and pageant nominees. Hit Orchard Road after that to look for my white shawl (yes I know that's really last minute but I couldn't go without a shawl). Hunted around Far East and Novena before finally going back to Lucky Plaza at Orchard to get two for a really good price.

Got home at about 3pm and was really running late. I was supposed to be at Cynthia's at 4pm to get ready together. Managed to catch a ride from my dad so I got there at about 5pm. It was a mad mad rush trying to do our hair, nails and make-up because we had to leave at 6pm. We ended up leaving at 7pm instead. Took a cab down (burnt a hole in both our pockets at the same time) and managed to get there in time for the first course to be served. What we missed were the speeches so it was just as well.

I was blessed with a really bad runny nose since the morning and it seemed to worsen when it was time for me to make that speech. There were too many pregnant pauses because I had to swipe at my nose with a crumpled piece of tissue and wait for everyone to shush and listen. The noise level was really high as everyone was milling around taking pictures but oh well, despite repeated pleas for silence, no one really took heed. I just finished the speech without caring if anyone listened and walked off the stage. I felt soooo relieved to be done with that embarrassing speech and it was as though a huge burden have been lifted off. I'm not kidding, the nerves were that bad. It was really good to know that the people who knew me listened though. After the speech, they came up to me and congratulated me. I had to put up with everyone teasing me about becoming the next RGS principal. Even the Principal Mrs. Deborah Tan and our VP Mrs. Chan couldn't resist a tease too.

Anyways, dinner was sumptuous but I didn't get to taste much of it because I was busy taking photos with friends. It was such a blast. Everyone looked really different and gorgeous, such that I couldn't recognise some people. The transformation was amazing. I was soooo glad that Mrs. Tan came! She missed netball carn and our class dinner so I thought she wouldn't turn up but she did! I love her to bits! She's such a great form teacher and friend. I'm going to miss her, Mr. Chia, Mrs. Koh and my other teachers so much next year.

The night ended on a high note with the singing of the school song and everyone was basically really high. It didn't feel like we were saying goodbye (well, technically not, since most of us will be seeing each other at RJC next year) but in some sense, FAM did bring sort of a closure. I think the organising committee did a fantastic job and everyone had a smashing time.

My heels were killing me as I walked out of the hotel so I changed into my slippers, not caring if people thought I looked weird in a dress and slippers. I was so relieved to finally reach home and immediately went to clean all that gunk off my face, take a cool, refreshing shower and fall flat on my bed. The make-up made me feel so uncomfortable. Oh, and I had such a difficult time trying to remove the nail polish. I practically took forever and I tell you, nail polish isn't good for your nails. If Cynthia's mom didn't paint them for me, I would never have thought of doing it.

And nope, contrary to what most people do, I won't be posting up the photos I took. It's way too embarrassing (I think I looked rather weird) and anyways, I think they're too special to just post online in such a flippant manner. If you want a peek, you'll have to ask me for them.

Sisters in learning and sisters at heart
Life lies before us here's luck to the start.

Hey, I guess you were right. Thanks for saying what you said and I want you to know, I kept your words in mind last night. I really did enjoy myself like you told me to and I'm glad to have you for a friend. Thanks once again and enjoy your monday night's graduation dinner! (:

overrated

2005-11-16T15:15:00.000+08:00

Wow I haven't blogged in a week. That's pretty impressive, considering that I used to need to blog almost everyday or else I'd die of boredom. I haven't been using the computer much this week as well. I think I've curbed my unhealthy dependence on the computer and internet. Yay!

Now that it's the holidays, my days usually start at around 12pm -1pm, because I tend to sleep at 12am and then wake up for lunch. Still, the 12 hours of sleep causes me to feel extremely lethargic in the day. Hence, I still haven't cleaned out my pig sty of a room or written my farewell notes to my classmates and teachers yet.

Speaking of farewell, Farewell Alma Mater Night (FAM for short) is tomorrow. What I'm feeling now is nowhere near excited anticipation or whatever any normal girl would feel before a prom night where she can dress up, do her hair and make-up, and spend a ridiculous amount of money just to look glam for ONE NIGHT. If I haven't already paid for the dinner, I wouldn't go at all. *grumbles*

No offense, but I get most irritated when some of my sec. 4 friends start gushing about their tailor-made dresses (which of course, must have cost a bomb), waxing lyrical about this Bobbi Brown makeover package with a glam photoshoot for $80 (helloo, my dress cost less than that!), wondering how they should get their hair done and blah blah blah. I'm really sorry to say this, but some of them sound downright bimbotic. I really can't stand people like that.

If I sound bitter, or like sour grapes, haha that's not what I truly feel. It's just that I don't think we should spend that much money for a gown that you'll only wear once, for impossibly high stilettos which only goes with the dress and so on, just for a dinner when you'll see everyone else (almost) again next year anyways. I guess the occasion would be different if not for the RP but still, I think it's so overrated.

We're just 16 after all, mere school girls who still get our allowance from our parents. If we were earning our own money, at least it would somewhat justify the extravagant spending. But knowing how hard our parents work just to provide us with a good life, why spend so much money on temporal things like these?

If you think about it, it'll make sense. I could go to the dinner in the most expensive Chanel dress, Gucci handbag and Manolo Blahnik heels and it wouldn't make a single difference in my life. It wouldn't earn me brownie points in heaven, neither will it contribute one hour more to my life or save another soul for the kingdom of God.

But I guess, people can do whatever they want with their money. It's not for me to judge or say. For those who are still on FAM shopping sprees, I hope you find the right dress/shoes/heels/accessories/handbag.

ten things

2005-11-09T20:13:00.000+08:00

10 Things I ~~Like~~ Love About Him

The way he looks when he sleeps- aww, so cute!
His insatiable appetite (He's a food lover, like me!)
The way he looks at me
Those dark, clear eyes you can drown in
His irresistably adorable face
The way he lightly kisses the tip of my nose ever so gently
The way he lets me cuddle him
How he cheers me up and puts a smile on my face when I'm having the lousiest day ever
How he never fails to make me laugh with his funny antics, even when I'm feeling down
The way he loves me.

I love you my darling!

Hey, what were you thinking? I'm talking about Pudding, my beloved and endearingly fat hamster!

Which book of the Bible are you?

2005-11-08T22:13:00.000+08:00

I must say, I like this result (: It's funny how a friend just said the exact same thing about me today (the part about knowing where to run when I get discouraged). Go try it out. It does say a lot about your character.

You are Psalms.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I don't feel so good...

2005-11-08T16:30:00.000+08:00

I'm down with a phantom fever which refuses to show up on the thermometer but relentlessly plagues me with aches, headaches, feelings of extreme cold (I'm wearing a sweater and long pants as I'm typing this- rather abnormal for Singapore's weather and the air-conditioner isn't turned on). The symptons definitely feel like fever so I know it's there but the thermometer says that my temperature is normal. Hmph.

There's a nasty sore throat and cough too which has turned me into a croaking bullfrog. The discomfort and headache has kept me awake as I slept intermittently last night and during the day. And so, though I feel as though I haven't slept for days and have just been bowled over by a ton of flying bricks (don't ask why this analogy), I'm here at the computer. It's better than tossing and turning in bed, trying to fight a throbbing headache.

My mom thinks it's because I went swimming under the hot sun yesterday. Besides getting quite sunburnt (next time, I'll know to use sunscreen SPF 30 and above), now I have a fever-like bug. I need to get lip balm with SPF too- I think my lips are swelling because they're sunburnt. I reckon I probably look rather grotesque now.

I was doing my laps yesterday in the competition pool and discovered how dirty and unhygienic the pool was (or still is, if they haven't already cleaned it up). While swimming in the cramped space between two lanes taken up by two other guys, I had to dodge pieces of mysterious UFOs (Unindentified Floating Objects) every now and then.

There were really weird stuff like yellowish, translucent blobs of bodily discharge wafting around (I couldn't tell whether it was mucus from some poor person down with a runny nose or a discharge from somewhere else *shudders in disgust*), suspended in the otherwise clear blue water, and used band-aids with some blood and pus still sticking on it. EWWWW!!! Can you imagine what goes into your system whenever you accidently swallow a few mouthfuls of pool water? Double yucks!

Hm... Maybe the sun isn't the real culprit which caused my fever-like symptons, if you get what I mean. On second thoughts, never mind, I don't want to know.

I was so grossed out and tired of having to swim in a bizzare zig-zag fashion to get out of the way of those icky UFOs (the lifeguard must have been thinking that I have absolutely no sense of direction) that I quickly climbed out and joined my brothers in the smaller pool. It totally spoilt my planned swimming time of 1hr 15 mins (that's not quite enough but we had to get home in time for dinner). The 45 minutes I swam are hardly enough to give me aching muscles when I wake up the next morning (I thrive on exertion *grin*).

However, I am determined not to let this scare me off swimming. Oh, and this reminds me, I'd better bring along a disinfecting shower cream (like Dettol) the next time I go swimming.

memories [411, you are sorely missed]

2005-11-06T11:15:00.000+08:00

It's strange how I'm not feeling sad or reminiscent, having ended my secondary school education two days ago. On Friday, people kept asking me if I was reluctant to leave and somehow, I couldn't bring myself to admit that I didn't feel what they felt- a sense of loss and nostalgia.

Formal farewell was on Wednesday and I must say, it was indeed as special one because we bade farewell to our dear VP, Mrs. Chan, too as she will be retiring at the end of the year. I discovered that besides our school having a rock band of teachers, we also have a mini choir/ chorus called EnSombre comprising of Ms. Yeo, Mr. Sham, Mrs. Cheriyan, Mr. Toh and Ms. Tan BC, who were all wearing black, hence the name EnSombre. (Quick laugh, it's a pun!) Not to forget, Ms. Leow provided a hilarious portrayal of Mrs. Chan, even donning an IJ uniform and a wig.

It was an immensely entertaining performance and I must applaud the teachers for managing to come up with this musical of sorts despite busy schedules and heavy workloads from options, writing our tesimonials and getting our final reports ready.

Despite singing the very cliché Graduation song by Vitamin C together with my class during the finale, I didn't feel anything at all. Most of my classmates were in a sentimental mood, albeit the fact that there weren't that many tears, if there were any at all.

As for my lack of sentiments with regards to my departure from RGS, I guess it is perhaps because I know that most of us will see each other in RJ next year. If we were all going to different JCs, it'll be a totally different story all together. I find that I'm looking ahead instead of looking back at my four years in RGS. The future excites me and I tend to focus on that, trying not to think too much about leaving my alma mater and dear teachers behind.

Friday was our last official day in school and we had a special treat lined up for us, or so I thought. Two (supposedly well-known) bands Ronin and West Grand Boulevard came down to perform. Power 98 DJs Jeremy Ratnam and Soo Wei were there too. West Grand Boulevard (I've never heard of them before this) took the stage first and turned our girls into screaming, boyband-mad groupies who all ran to the front and gazed adoringly at the "cute" guys .

It was the same when Ronin came on and everyone, sans sane people like myself, Sara, Av and some other people who detachedly watched the madness from the back of the hall. Goodness me, I was positively shocked. I've never seen such a concentration of raging female hormones all in one place before and I tell you, it's really scary. Rachel Ang came back from backstage quite traumatised and told me that the backstage was swamped with starstruck girls who were all clambering to get autographs from the bands. It was like a scene of mass hysteria, the screaming throng at the front of the hall, people flashing the three-finger love sign at every moment possible, the frenzied jumping and cheering.

Actually, I found it all pretty amusing. The antics of those girls who were infautuated with the guys were entertaining. Perhaps everyone just went wild and let their hair down because it was the last day of school. Besides, as the blonde frontman of Ronin said, "Your teachers gave us the go ahead to let you girls misbehave. (You'd) better enjoy yourselves now before you get your results". He was quite foul-mouthed as well. He openly sweared every now and then, only stopping short of using the four-letter word starting with F. When he said, "You girls are a freaking, kick-ass audience," the crowd went wild. It was unbelievable how chaotic the hall had become and the feeling was surreal because after all, we were in a school hall.

The music was pretty good, except that Ronin's style was a little too heavy metal for me. Not to mention that the volume was on full blast too. West Grand Boulevard was more teenager-friendly rock with songs like Flights of Fancy. It was really funny though, how the lead singer's cap kept flying off his head when ever he started jumping around madly. Mrs. Chan came in when Ronin was performing (I think) and went out after less than a minute. I guess she couldn't take it too.

Though the mass hysteria was hard to resist, I refused to join the crowd and go mad for those bands. If I were to ever go mad like this, I'll only do it for God. It's a totally different thing to sing, dance, jump and cheer for Jesus. I merely sat at the back and watched the scene without actually getting really into the music. I mean, songs like "You've Got Mojo" (guess, by which band?) are hardly worth singing along to right? I prefer alternative rock (Christian bands like Switchfoot and Kutless) as the music agrees with me better and the lyrics have a deeper meaning. I left the concert with an incessant ringing in my ears. I'll have Ronin to thank if I go deaf.

We got back our results after operation clean up (I had to clean all the window sills myself because we didn't pass the clean check and no one else was around). I guess I'm pretty satisfied with what I got because I improved for all my subjects, especially Maths and Bio, with the exception of Social Studies (my EOI was too botched up). I got back my Bio options quiz too. Before Mr. Chia handed it back to me, he was like, "Oh yea, this one is the insane one." I was waiting in trepidation because I thought he meant I did horribly. But miracles of miracles, I got 23/25, the highest of the classes who took the enriched modules and did better than 90% of the students who took med bio, according to him. Surprising eh? Considering that I didn't quite study for it, at least not as hard as Cynthia.

Since Friday was the 4th of November, we had class dinner to celebrate our class' birthday (4-11-05 --> 411 of 2005, get it?). Met Hamsie, who wore faded jeans torn at the knees, at the train station and we went to Swensens at Suntec for the dinner. Since we were too early, we strolled around and window shopped for a bit at city link mall. Six has really beautiful jewelry but I'm not spending anymore on accessories. Dinner was really fun because Mr. Chia turned up, missing CG so that he could come and have a last supper with us (awww... so sweet!). I'm really going to miss him next year. When he's hanging with us outside of school, he's not a teacher but more like our friend- a really cool, funky and humorous friend. His brand of dead-pan humour is truly unrivalled.

Mrs. Chew, our maths teacher, brought her too kids too! They're so cute! That includes Mrs. Chew too. I can't believe her daughter thought that Mr. Chia was my boyfriend. At first she was like, "So who's that boy? Is he a new boy in your school?" I was quite bewilded and it took some time for me to realise that she was referring to Mr. Chia. Then, she went, "Is he your boyfriend?" I got to shock of my life! Mr. Chia is married with a one year old daughter! You should have seen his face- a mix of shock and amusement.

Haha, it's either I look a lot older than I really am, or that Mr. Chia looks younger than his age (I think he's in his mid/late-twenties). So I asked her how old she thinks Mr. Chia is and she said 19. Haha, I wonder if she thought I was 19 too. When I expressed my surprise, she went, "No what, I think you're very pretty, you're very suitable what." Hahahaha... that was the joke of the day. When Adelyn and I were trying to convince her that Mr. Chia is our bio teacher, Mr. Chia played along and tried to make her believe that he really is 19. It was hilarious!

Dinner was a huge blast and I'm so glad I sat with Avonne, Sara, Mr. Chia and Hamsie. We laughed until our sides split (it was mostly Avonne and Sara laughing at me though- they kept suaning me) and talked about the most nonsensical stuff. And Avonne, thank you for telling Mr. Chia and completely embarrassing me. He kept teasing me after that. He told Mrs. Chew's daughter when she asked if he was my boyfriend, "No lah, I lost to some other guy already. *winks*" !!!!! I was SOOOO EMBARRASSED!

I'm so glad I made it for this class dinner and am heartened (somewhat pleasantly surprised too) that almost everyone turned up. I love my class and that's an understatement. Being in 411 has been a great experience and I must say that the two most enjoyable years I've spent in RG are my sec 3 and 4 years. I'll miss my really weird, funky, unique and anti-physics classmates.

411, thank you.

fun (and some serious stuff): part II

2005-11-03T23:29:00.000+08:00

Today: I went to SGH with Jiaying to visit a friend but we found out that she was already discharged a few days ago. It was good news but bad news for us because we had to arrange for another day to visit her, and I really wanted to see her. Anyways, Jiaying's dad kindly offered to drop me at Harbourfront because it was still early and I could meet my family for lunch.

Walked around a little while waiting for them to arrive and browsed some shops with really gorgeous earrings and dresses but were too expensive. There was this place having some huge sale and the evening dresses were really affordable and nice. BUT I've already gotten my FAM dress so I could only look at some other girl trying them out in front of the mirror. The shimmering blue satin one she was trying on looked really good on her but it was kind of like a tube but with two thin straps over the shoulders. The other dresses looked just as good but I figured that my parents wouldn't allow me to wear such revealing stuff anyways.

After a while, I convinced myself that I shouldn't succumb to peer pressure (I have a feeling there'll be too many cleavages and bare backs in the Mandarin ballroom on 17th November). God's voice rang in my mind: Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world. It always works to keep me from straying (:

The above would prove to be extremely ironic in contrast with what I was about to experience.

After lunch, I went to Tanjong Pagar mrt station to meet Sara, Av and Hannah to go for the Watoto Children Choir concert today at Fairfield Methodist Church. Then I had to take the train back to Outram Park where I came from because they were *ahem* running late so they wanted to take a cab down from Outram. I came out from a different exit because I was taking the East-West line while they took NEL and spent ten whole frustrating minutes searching for *grrrr* --> EXIT H <-- where they were waiting. In the end, I gave up and took a cab down myself because it was 2.10 and the concert had already started. Blowed 5 bucks on cab fare. Boo. It could have gone to a worthier cause, which I'll elaborate on later.

Aptly titled Concert of Hope, the performance was a really touching experience for me. All the children in the choir are from the Watoto (which means "children" in Swahili) Child Care Ministries in Uganda, founded by Pastor Gary and Marilyn Skinner in 1983. All of them have gone through the trauma of losing their parents to deadly epidemics like AIDS and the civil war.

Check out www.watoto.com.

The most moving thing about them was that here were about twenty Ugandan orphans, from 7 to 12 years old, who have gone through the most unimaginable trauma in their young lives, yet, every single one of them had bright, earnest smiles on their faces, singing, praising God and enthusiastically dancing along to the beat of the African drums as their clear voices filled the auditorium. Watching and hearing them sing a cheerful, up-tempo song the moment I sat down, my eyes just filled with tears which spilled uncontrollably down my cheeks. It was weird because the song was one that was happy and upbeat but I couldn't control the wave of emotions as I thought of how much they have gone through.

This carried on for the rest of the concert. Every now and then I would have to inconspicuously reach for my tissue pack as I felt God's spirit moving. I knew God was in the house. His presence was so strong and just like the words of a song they sang, He dwells in the praises of His people, especially His little ones who sang with such gusto, and sincerity. I didn't quite focus on the acoustics and the vocal aspect of their singing but to me, they were pitch-perfect and their choral harmony was immaculate. I hung on their every word, though some songs were in Swahili but nonetheless, I silently worshipped in spirit together with them and I tell you, God's presence was overwhelmingly real.

Their energetic songs were interspersed with short speeches by various little ones about their story and how God's love have given them hope and a new home. I admired their courage to share their desolate past. As the children spoke of their past experiences one by one, the pain they went through was evident- loneliness, desperation, hunger, rejection, being deprived of love, helplessness. But as they talked about how God lifted them out of a life of poverty and hopelessness, their little faces brightened up and what really touched me was how they spoke of God's amazing love. As one little boy put it, "God's blessings are SOOOOO AMAZING!" Yes, he really emphasized the last two words. I could tell that for such young souls, they truly understood what it meant to call God their heavenly Father, to know that His love is never failing and that He gives hope to all.

At first, I didn't quite know why the tears came in floods but Pastor Gary gave me the answer at the end of the concert when he said something along the lines of "You must have had laughter and tears. The tears aren't tears of sadness or pity; they are tears of compassion. Yes, that's what it's called. I want you to know that it's that same compassion which Jesus has for the fatherless and the lost that is trying to get out right now."

In a video, one girl said that she remembers a time when there was no food for a long time. They were so hungry that they "ate dust". I know we can't imagine that, and we must be wondering how on earth they could eat dust even if there was nothing else to eat. But that's because we can't comprehend their desperation and painful struggle to survive. We live in the affluent, yet apathetic city of Singapore where material comfort and gourmet indulgences are the norm. Since we have not experienced their dire circumstances, we cannot truly understand their tragic plight.

The message of God's love and hope really hit home that afternoon, at least for me. The children have found a Redeemer who lifted them out of the darkness and pain to give them a new lease of life. I could feel their gratitude as they sang of His goodness with such earnesty. They have experienced the unconditional love of the Father and they wanted to share it with the world, travelling the globe to bring songs of hope and good news for others.

I walked away a changed person. Literally. I'm not joking. I thought of the times I've begged my parents to buy me a new bag, or an acoustic guitar which costs hundreds of dollars, how I spent carelessly on material things these children would never dream of having, while these Ugandan orphans were starving in the streets, having no one to love and care for them until they are put in Watoto's care. I was overcome with immense shame and guilt. I just wanted to go up to those children, tell them that I'm sorry and give them the warmest, most loving hug I can ever give. But there were just so many of them. I had to be content with just shaking a few of their little hands, thanking them for a wonderful performance at the end.

It was really sweet how all the cute little kids lined up along the aisle and at the entrance to say goodbye and "God bless you" as the people left. I emptied my wallet by donating to the Watoto ministry and spending the last 5 bucks on a $20 Watoto Choir CD which the four of us shared. No, I'm not going all fundraising-mad on you nor will I start championing the cause- "Save The Poor". But I think the world needs more than just people who think they have done their part by mindlessly contributing monetary aid to the needy. After all, what do a few $10 notes mean to most well-to-do Singaporeans? Peanuts (:

As one of the children said, "I know God has a plan for me." By giving what little I had to the children, though it wasn't much, I was glad that somehow, I would make a difference in the lives of these children, who will one day grow up into God-loving Uganda leaders, and become the people God wants them to be.

I left the house in the morning feeling pretty rich because my dad just reimbursed me for a bag I bought some time ago. Ironically, I left the place utterly broke, but not without knowing that I am now richer, richer with God's love and knowing that lives can be changed when our hearts are filled with the compassion of Christ to Make A Difference.

fun: part I

2005-11-03T22:09:00.000+08:00

Mm... I haven't updated for a few days already so I shall make up for it with an extra long post. Guess I've been too busy having fun and going out during the double public holidays. But it feels weird, and I feel some sense of guilt too for enjoying myself while all my friends outside of school are studying hard for the coming Os.

I tried going over to Brandon's to study with the rest on tuesday (it was nice of them to invite me and Hannah wouldn't go unless I went) and it was really great to be studying with them again. Though for me, the atmosphere of exam tension wasn't there, it was a good time of studying my greek mythology course notes on Hesiod's Theogony, The Illiad and The Odyssey, which I didn't have the time to finish reading in the duration of my literature option. Both William and I were like, "So, we're both here just for fun." Haha, I was glad to have someone else there who wasn't taking the Os too. He was actually quite serious about studying for a major exam too- the As. He brought a really thick geography A level textbook and kinda freaked me out. A little early but I guess reading up on the JC syllabus is a good way to prep for next year.

Just received a phone call from Renu and found out that I'm nominated for the Most Likely To contest for farewell alma mater night. My first reaction was: "You must be kidding. Did you get the right Michelle? I'm Michelle Lee..." It was only after she told me that it was for Most Likely To Be (school) Principal that I figured that it makes sense because it's just like my class to nominate me, being a prefect, the advocate of school rules and a person with a rather strict demeanor. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing though. I hardly think I ressemble our principal at all.

Anyways, on wednesday, I spent the afternoon with my mum and brothers at my mum's club. The bowling alleys were newly renovated and the games were pretty affordable since we were members. I thought I was the only one who had enough bowling experience to not totally stink and make a fool of myself but I had no idea that my youngest bro, Amos, was under the tutelage of my primary school VP, Mr. Haniff. He could bowl so well! Almost like a pro, I must say. He totally trashed Joe and me in the first game but I bounced back after warming up to the game to get the highest score for the day- 122. Not too bad for an amateur who only bowls like maybe twice a year.

Went swimming after that but the pool wasn't as functional as it was aesthetically beautiful. I sat at the empty pool side bar (you know the kind where counter is right next to the pool and the seats at in the water) to tan for a while before attempting to swim laps in the small pool. It was shaped more in a circular/ blob-like shape than the rectangular olympic size pool I usually use for serious swimming. The swim wasn't quite as fulfilling because the length was rather short. I enjoyed an half an hour bath at the annoyance of my mother before we went for dinner at Balastier. I definitely want to go back more regularly to try out to gym during the hols.

stop

2005-10-31T13:20:00.000+08:00

to grab my straying thoughts
quickly yank them into place
into a boundary of safety
where the mind is sedate

the traffic light turns warning red
all the cars stop except one which
zooms ahead and almost crashes;
a hit and run for the fully insane

little rascals pulling away
hyperactive, wriggly tots
Trying hard to keep up with
a deadly, flying, runaway train

playing hide and seek with
elusive, slippery notions
wild, unbridled, almost like
the untamed horses of the hills

in the mind's tangled forest
reason escapes my grasp
an enigma looms ahead in
all frustrating perplexity

I wonder what can one do
to rein in those naughty kids
to regain control over the river
stem its flow and trace it back

to the place it once started from
upstream, in the unseen wilderness.

down on my knees

2005-10-30T22:47:00.000+08:00

I can see best when I'm down on my knees,
When I'm listening to Jesus, when He's speaking to me.
On my knees I see clearer than I do from above,
When I'm meeting with Jesus, I see through His love.

It's hard to be haughty when kneeling in prayer,
For my vision is cleared when I meet with Him there.
It's hard to judge others while petitioning Him,
While seeking forgiveness for my failures and sins.

My perception is best when I kneel before Him
And He opens my eyes to His love once again.
Though to some it seems foolish, it is wisdom to me.
When I want to see best, I get down on my knees.

- Author Unknown -

And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are speaking, I will hear.

-Isiah 65:24