Friday, July 30, 2004
-9:13 pm
Hurray! :) I actually am blogging continuously recently. This is a real record, haha. Okay, anyways that not the real point of my post; just a side line. I want to talk about... *drumroll* God. This entry is going to be quite philosophical (RGS peeps you'll recognise the use of the concept Reality vs. Experience). Yup, I've once had a friend who asked me "How can you be sure that God is real? How do you believe with so much faith that He will answer your prayers?" My answer to that is that you have to really experience the power of God's love and blessings in your life before you can truly believe in Him with your whole heart. But the prerequisite of that is first faith- not blind faith, but faith that you know someone is out there, someone who created the world, created you and me, and is keeping the world rotating on it axis, even if you don't exactly know who it is. You know, deep down in your soul, that it is not just plain coincidence that sometimes things just turn around suddenly with a rhyme or reason when it seems to bleak and hopeless; it also seems as though someone's watching over you with the power to make things work for your good.
I am willing to share a part of my past as a testimony to how God has worked in my life. I experienced quite a dark period last year, during term 3, when I was slipping into depression and getting really anxious about stuff. It got so bad that I was despairing, dragging myself through everyday and I remember feeling so hopeless and upset, for reasons I know not of. Everything just seemed too much for me to handle, and that was when I just gave up- I stopped believing in myself. Strangely enough, at that time, I didn't really think of turning to God. I suffered from insomia every night, taking hours to fall asleep and sometimes not even sleeping for the entire night. I suppose I was afraid- I had so much fear that if I fell asleep, I wouldn't wake up in time to finish the homework that was left over. I had to take two weeks off school after things fell into a state where I wasn't a normal functioning human anymore, more like a sleep-deprived zombie without a will to live.
I suppose I was really emotionally dry and strained during those days. I needed a release of fresh emotions because I have become so unfeeling and unresponsive. The breakthrough came when my dad took time off to keep me company. He shared with me some bible verses about God's love for me, and verses that addressed my present problems. There were verses about anxiety:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to the Lord. And the peace of God, that transceneds all human understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7
"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."
-Psalms 4:8
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you; When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned the flames will not set you ablaze." - Isiah 43:2
These verses sort of broke the dam inside me and brought a release of tears; I cried when I finally saw the light upon my suffering. I felt God's presence there beside me and I knew that the battle was over- God was on my side and He truly cared for me. I understood that I too can be victorious over whatever I feared because I am God's child- perfect love casts out all fear. I began a fast recovery from there and moved on with my life, living in renewed faith, passion and hunger for the true living God who has brought me through the turmultous storms. God had a purpose in all these: He put me through the trial so that I would emerge stronger, and be reminded of God's power at work in my life. He's the one in control, not me. I may want my life to go one way, but God says no, that's not the right path to take. I suppose that was also a redirection of the way my life's going and putting things in perspective when I see the big picture.
I am using my life's testimony to encourage you if you are a new believer or am searching for an answer just like many of my friends are, I believe. Know that God loves every single one of you and you can find the way to your Heavenly Father. I know that He is the Way, the Truth and the Light and therefore I am confident and secure in my position and God's child. I now am living a more purpose-driven and fufilled life because growing in God has allowed me to do so. Attending the Youth min @ Trinity Christian Centre - Passion! Ministry- has cultivated my spiritual growth and empowered me to reach new heights in my relationship with God. I live for God, and want to be the light and salt of the world. My school is my platform to win souls for God's glory and to see our youth generation rise up as the Elijahs in our societies, daring to stand up for what we believe in and fight for it. I truly believe that we Chrisitian youths can make a difference- impacting our generation to change the world. Rock on Passion! Min!
God will turn a test
into a testimony
A victim
into a victor
And a trial
into a triumph.
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Thursday, July 29, 2004
-8:19 pm
I've just finished reading a really wonderful book I borrowed from *surprise* the RGS library! Though the story was set in a land far far away- Zimbabwe, Africa- it was no less moving and engaging. "The Girl Named Disaster" by Nancy Farmer is about this young African girl who was forced to flee from her rural village to Zimbabwe to look for her estranged father, who abandoned her mother while she was pregnant with her (the girl- Nhamo). Because Nhamo's fellow villagers believed that she brought bad luck upon them by being the daughter of a murderer after a village-wide epidemic of cholera, she was forced to marry this old chee-ko-pek guy in some other village as a ngozi-bride (payment for a dead person).
Though most of the second part of the novel was about her lonely voyage to Zimbabwe in a leaky boat, it was filled adventures of wild encounters, her fight for survival as well as her strange luck of being guided by her mother's, a dead neighbour's and water spirits. The writer's craft was most laudable in the way she narrated the plot in a story-telling way. The language included frequent use of the Shona language, one that is spoken in that area of African as I have learnt. It added an authentic native cultural flavour to the book and was most educational to me. I credit the author for doing obviously an extensive amount of research to equip her with the background knowledge to write this book in context of the people the story represented.
The description of how Nhamo survived on her own in the wilderness of African islands really intrigued me. As a really fortunate youngster to be living a comfortable life in safe Singapore, I really could not imagine and understand the kind of suffering the protagonist went through. How Nhamo managed to make baskets, pots for water, scavenge for and cook her own food etc. really filled me with awe and respect for her. Throw any of us into that kind of situation and we would have starved to death. With ferocious baboons and crocodiles after her, Nhamo was brave, believing, although in a childish way, in her strong spirit and made up poem-songs about her own greatness. I suppose it did serve to boost her self-esteem and spur her on in such a desolate and discouraging predicament, however silly it may sound. The stories she told were of spirits and pagan magic, but it was still an enriching reading experience for me. I travelled the wilderness with Nhamo and feared for her life just as she had when she encountered a pack of aggressive hounds. She was definitely a champion and a survivor.The ups and downs in the stories were told with such emotion that I could just feel how Nhamo was feeling in a certain situation.
I hope I have not spoiled the story for those who are planning to read it. If you are, then good for you; if you're not, I strongly encourage you to because it is honestly worth all the time I've spent reading it. I definitely am more thankful for being born into such a country with all the modern conveniences available. It is truly this heartwarming story of a gem of a book that made me appreciate who I am and celebrate the human spirit of courage and adventure.
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Tuesday, July 27, 2004
-9:10 pm
One Way
by Hillsongs United
___________________________
I lay my life down at your feet
You're the only one i need
I turn to you and you are always there
In troubled times its you i seek
I put you first thats all i need
I humble all i am, All to you
One way
Jesus
You're the only one that i could live for
One Way
Jesus
You're the only one that i could live for
You are always, always there
Every how and everywhere
Your grace abounds so deeply within me
Y ou wil never ever change
Yesterday today the same
Forever till forever meets no end
One way
Jesus
You're the only one that i could live for
One Way
Jesus
You're the only one that i could live for
Bridge:
You are the way the truth and the life
We live by faith and not by sight ... for you
We're living all for you
"this song has been playin in my head for days since Saturday's youth service. God rocks!"
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Monday, July 26, 2004
-7:40 pm
I have this issue with people (peers to be exact) who slack and don't contribute what they should, especially in a project setting where teamwork is crucial. Today, I stayed back from 2pm to 5.30pm doing this geog performance task- ALONE. Where did my three other members go? One had cooking lessons- she was quite blur and didn't really do much. The other two had angklung performance and so only stayed awhile. So: I ended up piecing everything together and did the whole *toot* powerpoint. I'm a person who does everything to the best of my ability so of course I didn't just opt to slack just because the others did. I want my A1 mind you. Why can't some people just take the initiative??? I really don't understand how they can just leave everything to one person and happily go off to their business. A little help and consideration for this poor soul who sacrificed my afternoon and precious nap to stay in that freezing cold artic computer room in the library, typing away with my numb fingers and squinting at the darn blinkin' screen would be appreciated, thank you very much. If only everyone could just do what they're supposed to do, by hook or by crook, and then the world would be such a wonderful place (for me and you). This is not the first time it has happened to me. And why, may I ask, does it always happen to me? Is it because I'm responsible and self-motivated??? Well, I have only one thing to say: I hope you guys have it free on your conscience in doing what you did (or didn't do, to be precise).
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Sunday, July 25, 2004
-2:43 pm
I just wonder why I can't seem to connect the word "Christian" or "God-loving" with the name of my CCA teacher. She just took over us last year and like a hurricane, swept through our CCA, transforming us from a slack, souless club into a super-organised (okay lah, not all that organised, but we're getting whipped into shape), high-quality school newsletter press. I must admit that she is a very capable and efficient person, but she can get a little overbearing at times. It doesn't help that my CCA members are quiet, passive little souls; so she thinks someone has to take charge if not we'll all waste away. She has done a really good job of making us more efficient as a club with meticulously type meeting minutes (we never even took minutes in the past), meeting agendas, protocols, a Tribune file for everyone and so on. Looking at us now, indeed we seem to be actually doing work (*hyperventilate*) and that's a good thing. BUT the thing that bothers me is that I can't really identify her as a Christian. Especially after hearing some of the things she scolded the sec 2s at the senior's farewell, and going through one of that scoldings myself. This shall remain a mystery until the end of time. My dear friend (and my teacher's as well) SY can miraculously survive with my teacher being her close friend! I really don't know how she does it, although she does occassionally complain about the pains of that friendship. SY, if you're reading this, just know that you're a really noble soul, being a Barnabas to our teacher. That, for me is a feat beyond human endurance.
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-10:22 am
Ever wondered whether what happens in your dreams would really come true? Especially if that event is what you really want in life? I had a dream once like that. I suppose it was because I was thinking so much of that particular person and wanted, well a friendship. That person (okay lets call that person X) was quite special, people in X's kind of category were practically extinct (well at least I haven't seen others do what X did on a few occassions). Note: okay I know I may be a little vague here but please bear with me. Fine. X is a guy. So that puts things in perspective yea? He's polite, respectful, and a real gentleman. I wouldn't call him conventionally handsome (his friends do seem more attractive) but he's rather charming. Anyways, my dream was a pivotal moment because it kinda confirmed what I've been wondering for so long. It was so real and timely that I wondered if it was a dvine revelation from Heaven :) But soon enough, I found myself facing up to reality that what I wanted to happen was most impossible. I still cringe that times when I think of how I was so hopeful of my dream coming true. Oh wells. We all know that dreams reflect our life and our thoughts. So I suppose it really revealed much about myself. So far, I've been having dreamless nights since that dream. I really can't wait for my next one :) Sweet dreams everyone!
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Thursday, July 22, 2004
-8:15 pm
Final five results were out today. It wasn't the least bit surprised; I couldn't ask for a better final five. But when I saw them sitting together in the room, I suddenly felt a twinge of regret and felt a wee bit left out. I mentally rebuked myself because my decision is already made and I shouldn't be thinking too much. Anyhow, I am really proud of my batchmates and I do wish them all the best as they lead the board and school.
That aside, I shall talk about the more interesting part of my day. I went for lifeskills lessons after school and made lasagne and minestrone soup! Yum... The girl I worked with, Vanessa was really nice and we ended up with quite a good meal :) Once I get some time, I'm going to start trying out the recipes given.
Okay, my bath beckons. I'd better go and send Ong Kar Wei her yu wen lian xi. Sigh. I wish other people had better memory/ I didn't have a scanner.
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Wednesday, July 21, 2004
-8:36 pm
It has come to the time of the year where elections for CCA and house is taking place before the Sec. 4s step down. Let me recount one of my worse dilemmas regarding my commitment to the board and CCA as well. It really didn't help when CCA elections came earlier than the board's. I had so much trouble deciding whether to run for chair and in the end, I asked for treasurer/ welfare. And guess what I got; treasurer! I'm sure Ms. Chia sorta messed the votes around so that I wouldn't get chair. Got quite a scare though, after elections when Mary told me that most of the lower sec. pple voted me for chair.
That night was the most nightmarish one in the whole history of my life (well a short 15 years at least). Besides getting scolded (definition: totally morally humiliated) by Ms. Chia for screwing up S4 farewell big time, guess what happened next? I LOST MY HANDPHONE! For the second time in two months. Okay I suppose it was entirely my fault because on that friday (too bad it wasn't the 13th), I was rather stressed and light-headed. I was definitely running around like a "headless cockroach" (credit Ms. Chia for this wonderful illustration) and misplaced my handphone (I think I left it on the ledge on the 3rd level after rehearsal). It was a weekend of utter depression and turmoil. I just couldn't believe smth like that would happen to me. I was kinda mad at God as well I suppose. However, it taught me an important lesson to pray and trust in God for miracles because I managed to get my phone back after countless nights of worrying who could have gotten their hands on it. Thank God for the kind soul of Louelle Teo from Sec. 404 who passed my handphone to the General Office when she found it on that fateful friday. I didn't know this until the following tuesday so when Dad found out that Ms. Christina had the phone (in between geog lessons), I was sooooo overwhelm with relief and joy! The first thing I did was to thank God and to really repent for blaming God for my own carelessness.
Okay, back to my main focus: elections. Anyways, then came board elections. I really went into GM nominating who I thought would be best suited for the job. Even then, I did not even give a thought about me getting through to being HP nominee. I thought that I certainly wasn't good enough for the job; who would vote me anyways? But it always seems like the more you want something, you don't get it. When you don't think too much about it, God will reward you with it. This was how I became one of the 10 HP nominees. I was so surprised when Junli presented me with the form. Later on, I found out that Karwei and Juliet also got the nomination form. That meant that 3 out of the 4 prefects in our class, 311, were HP nominees. At that moment, nothing could be more perfect.
But then, I started feeling rather unsettled about it. I was doubting my ability to cope with such a huge responsibility. My troubled past last year made me reconsider my capacity for more commitments. Much as I would love to serve, with burning passion and drive, something held me back. I was not entirely happy. That night, I went home and spoke to my mom. Her first reaction was "Oh no, please not again." She then gave me this lengthy pep talk about how I should not "bu zi liang li", meaning over-estimate myself. Something she said really struck me. She told me that she didn't want me to become a somebody, but lose a daughter in the process. At the present, I was already so busy with things that she hardly saw me. Upon retrospection, I realised that whatever little time I had, I should put it in a better place like family and church, instead of pursuing worldly titles. Then, I made a decision not to run and went to sleep in peace.
The next morning, I spoke to my dad. He encouraged me to run, only if I felt confident to. He shared his experience as a vice-head prefect in secondary school and said he felt very fufilled doing it. Internal conflict ensued as I struggled to decide whether to follow my heart (run), or follow my mind (not to run).
I sought God, yet everything remained so grey. I asked Dad how do we discern God's plan for us and he said, the most important thing is whether you feel peace in making the right decision. If there is no peace, then that is the wrong road to take. Even when I reached school with my empty HP nominee form, I was still undecided. Jing and Rachel both weren't running and I wondered if I was too selfish in not running either. But then I thought, let my more capable batchmates run. I went to Junli and told her about my not running. Only at that point did the whole brevity of my decision hit me. Tears streamed down my face as I struggled to let go of what I had dreamt of since Sec. one. It seemed like deja vu after almost quitting board last year. I realised that I really loved the board, and wanted to serve, but that was out of my limits. I started to reconsider my decision after seeing my batchmates encourage me. I felt so bad to let them down. But then, halfway through Math lessons as I was silently pondering my decision, a song that I had been listening to from the WOW Worship CD struck me:
"Give us clean hands, give us pure hearts,
let us not lift our souls to another.
Oh God let us be, a generation that seeks
Seeks your face, O God of Jacob.
Oh God let us be, a generation that seeks
Seeks your face, O God of Jacob."
Then, I felt a strong conviction to want to stand in the gap for God; running for HP isn't everything in life, and should not be my focus at this time. I wanted to live, to live for God in serving people, in putting my family first before school. It was the point of no return after I settled my decision, but I finally felt the peace of God that transcends all human understanding guard my mind and heart in Christ Jesus. I knew my calling, and that I've made the right choice.
This happened last week. After making clear my priorities and seeking God in whatever decision I make, everything began to fall into place. This week has been a marvellous week and I definitely feel God's favour shining on me. I pray that my friend, if you are reading this, that you will also seek God's will in your life, align yourself to God, and you will lead a more fufilled and purposeful life. Remember, the story of "footprints in the sand".
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, You said that once I decided to follow you, You'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
The Lord replied, "My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I Carried You."
God bless you.
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