Monday, October 31, 2005
-1:20 pm
to grab my straying thoughts
quickly yank them into place
into a boundary of safety
where the mind is sedate
the traffic light turns warning red
all the cars stop except one which
zooms ahead and almost crashes;
a hit and run for the fully insane
little rascals pulling away
hyperactive, wriggly tots
Trying hard to keep up with
a deadly, flying, runaway train
playing hide and seek with
elusive, slippery notions
wild, unbridled, almost like
the untamed horses of the hills
in the mind's tangled forest
reason escapes my grasp
an enigma looms ahead in
all frustrating perplexity
I wonder what can one do
to rein in those naughty kids
to regain control over the river
stem its flow and trace it back
to the place it once started from
upstream, in the unseen wilderness.
0comments
Sunday, October 30, 2005
-10:47 pm
I can see best when I'm down on my knees,
When I'm listening to Jesus, when He's speaking to me.
On my knees I see clearer than I do from above,
When I'm meeting with Jesus, I see through His love.
It's hard to be haughty when kneeling in prayer,
For my vision is cleared when I meet with Him there.
It's hard to judge others while petitioning Him,
While seeking forgiveness for my failures and sins.
My perception is best when I kneel before Him
And He opens my eyes to His love once again.
Though to some it seems foolish, it is wisdom to me.
When I want to see best, I get down on my knees.
- Author Unknown -And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are speaking, I will hear.-Isiah 65:24
0comments
-3:39 pm
Am I too loud for a girl?
I have been thinking about this ever since last week's cell. It seems that I'm the loudest girl around in my section, or at least in my cell and I guess you can say that it isn't really congruous with the way I dress.
I might seem all skirts and feminine stuff but when it comes to playing games, thinking up of forfeits or doing them, cheering, yelling and teasing, I'm really the epitome of what you call the "tomboy". You should have seen me before I did a major overhaul on my wardrobe and started to dress more like a girl. Even the way I speak is really so... un-feminine.
My rambunctious laughter can usually be heard along the hallway outside the chapel, or along the corridors of the 3rd floor. And mind you, it's not just my laughter registering really high on the decibel scale but the way I laugh would cause my personal grooming teachers and those prim and proper English ladies to cringe.
I love to play truth or dare because I can think up of impossibly embarrassing dares for other people, especially the guys. Forfeits are my forte and according to one of my cellmates, I am positively downright evil with regards to the forfeits I come up with. Maybe it's just that I have a mean streak which the rest of my female cellmates don't have and am not afraid of retribution when it's my turn to do a forfeit. My cell always tries to think up of the ultimate forfeit for me as pay back for whatever ridiculous things they had, to do courtesy of yours truly (: But I'm really quite thick-skinned so they still have yet to think up of one that would put every single one of my forfeits to shame.
My mom is constantly on my case for being too loud, boisterous and "chor lor" (rough/ tomboyish in Hokkien). She thinks that I shouldn't clap and cheer too loudly during service (I've attended adult services with her before and I can tell that half the time she wants to act as though she doesn't know me). But to me, my unbridled cheering and applause is my way of showing my affection for God. I don't ever want to hold back because He deserves all my praise and so much more. Do you think you'd care so much about what other people think when you're in the presence of your King? I hardly think so.
After going through The Woman's Voice lit option, it has really cast a new light on the image of being a female for me, of how women are expected to fit into stereotypes and conform to what the men expect and want. For me, it's like fitting square pegs into a round hole. I am me. This is who I am and I cannot become somebody else. It is not like me to be quiet and reserved, to speak only when spoken to or to be seen but not heard. That will only happen the day pigs fly. I speak my mind, regardless of whether males are present or whether they would find it hard to swallow.
Maybe it is because I grew up in a famiy with the only females being my mom and I; I have two younger brothers. I have always been outspoken and unrestrained with my opinions. Perhaps my four years in RGS played a part too. Without the male presence (I have nothing against males and I'm not a feminist- it's just something to do with a psychological barrier that females have), we have learnt to truly be ourselves and express our thoughts without reservation or fear. We carry our own chairs down to the amphitheatre for school events and do other menial tasks usually delegated to the guys to take care of.
Having been in a single-sex environment for four years already, admittedly, I am kind of nervous and apprehensive about JC next year. I just hope that we girls won't lose our identities as empowered individuals because of feelings of inferiority, or more likely due to feelings for the opposite sex at the same time.
I am not the typical kind of girl that guys would have crushes on. Not that it is an issue with me. In fact, I kind of like the feeling of being on level playing ground with the guys and not having the kind of attention that guys would give the prettier girls. That way, I guess I can make friends with guys without that kind of barrier/ self-consciousness or distinction that goes like the "he's a guy, I'm a girl. We're different and opposites attract" kind of mentality. I just see all the guys as my brothers. I don't know if my male friends feel the same sentiments as I do but I hope that they can feel that liberty of being themselves around me without any reservations.
Sometimes I wonder too, like what kind of guy would like a girl like me. Haha, not that I'm desperate to get attached or anything at all; that's far from it. In fact, no romance for me until I'm at least 19 or 21. I just wonder who will be the one God has destined for me. I know that God has a special someone who will come along when the time is right, or maybe that person is already someone I know. But whatever it is, I do hope dreams come true. Even if they don't, it'll be interesting to meet the person whom you're going to spend the rest of your life with (after a certain age).
I know it's a little too early to be pondering this but whoever he may be, the most important thing is that he has a heart that seeks after God and is on fire for Him. Then, we will have a common purpose and passion- God and Him alone (:
0comments
Monday, October 24, 2005
-1:40 pm
Personal challenge for this week:
1. Not logging on to MSN messenger at all for at least monday and tuesday.
2. Not spending more than 1 hour online a day
Think I can do it? Hm...
Hope I don't end up like this:
0comments
Sunday, October 23, 2005
-11:36 pm
Dear Lord, thank you for answering my prayer! Since you've miraculously opened the door for me to apply for the Humanities Programme without having to take KI, I'm assured that this is Your will for me. I pray that You'll continue to lead and guide me the rest of the way, through the crossroads and y-junctions.
My life is indeed just a breath compared to eternity with You. All I ask is that You help me make the most of my time here on earth and be a good steward of the time You've paid for by the Cross. I love You. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.Friday's matriculation day at RJC was a great experience. I had no idea it was the RJC open house too so I was pleasantly surprised by the carnival-like atmosphere and all the vibrant CCA displays. Thank God Dad and Mom approved of my proposed subject combination: H3 lit (since Mrs. Tan thinks it's a waste if I don't take it at H3), geog, maths and theatre studies and drama. I still can't believe that Dad actually encouraged me to go for TSD; he even said that it's practical! That coming from a man who constantly tells me that not taking physics is the worst decision I can ever make. At least we agree for once (:
The CCA scene in RJC is definitely livelier than I expected and a diverse range of clubs, sports, societies and performing arts groups cater to almost every need and interest of the students. This might sound like propaganda but it's is my honest opinion. Get this- there's even a band called Raffles Rock. Ultimate coolness! Imagine spending CCA time jamming with a band. That'll be my dream CCA. But I decided that my passion and gift for music comes from God so I'll only use it for Him and nothing else. Think I'll join something physically challenging like ODAC.
I'm actually excited about going to JC next year. 2006 will indeed be full of new beginnings with JC, the Humanities Programme (if I get in), the NEW district!, a new service and a new cell. Things are going to change and I'm praying that God will help me embrace even the most drastic of changes.
Pastor D's sermon on the internet was interesting. I'm glad to say I've contributed to his sermon in more than just doing the youth survey (: God revealed to me a lot more than what I seeked for, and some revelations, I might say, were rather unexpected and disturbing. But I'm extremely grateful for Him speaking so directly to me through Sister Carol. It was unmistakably from Him. God just has this way of touching my heart in the most amazing way.
Altar call was something- a refreshing touch after a long time. I've learnt that sometimes, we are bound by things we can't see. We don't realise it until God wakes us up to show us what's actually happening. The next time I find that something's wrong, I'll immediately start seeking God about it and pray until something gives.
Anyways, went rollerblading at Seletar reservior with my family just now. The view of the sunset on both sides of the pathway was beautiful. The colours of the sky and clouds all melting together in swirls of tangerine, purple, light blue, red and wisps of white. The enchanting view was reflected in the peacefully still surface of the reservior and lake down below where we were. An awesome sight.
I would have enjoyed it more if my feet didn't hurt as I zoomed up and down the pathway. When I removed my blades after that, I realised that a huge blister the size of a 50-cent coin was forming on the arch of my left foot because I didn't wear socks which were thick enough. Ouch. Guess I won't be rollerblading again any time soon.
0comments
Thursday, October 20, 2005
-4:32 pm
I'm stuck at home with a cold and headache. Reckon I need a day to rest properly and catch up on my sleep too. Nasty maths test and options homework. I'm glad that it wasn't any other day that I have to miss school because today's lessons are ok to miss. I'll catch up, as always.
Tomorrow's matriculation day at RJC and I still haven't really decided what subjects I'm going to take. At first, it was lit, geog, maths and econs. But after a talk by the RJ econs teacher, I was totally scared off. So now it's lit, geog, theatre studies & drama and maths.
The BIG issue here is that I really want to get the Humanities Programme Scholarship but I have to offer KI if I were to qualify for the programme. The thing is, KI's really not for me. Having gone through Philosophy as a subject for two years, I am very certain that I'll be torturing myself by taking KI. It's not a problem of whether I have the aptitude for it, it more like whether I should take it just to get into the humans programme. Sigh. Tough decision to make.
I am very firm on only taking subjects which interest me, and I have a passion for. Though I don't exactly excel at maths, I need it if I were to do psychology in the future and as a contrasting subject as well. But I can't say the same for KI.
I really can't imagine myself doing KI for the next two years of my JC. One module in KI is examining the construction of knowledge. To be honest, I don't care about how knowledge is constructed; I just want to learn what I need to know. Call me ignorant, but I have absolutely zero interest in determining whether the green colour of my file I'm seeing now is really green and how I know it's green. It might mean something for eager academics and scholars but not for me. I know intellectual rigour is good but I have a lazy mind. Ask me to analyse lit texts and I'll eagerly jump to it but seriously, KI is a totally different study altogether.
For philo in Sec 3 and 4, we studied topics like Existentialism (how sure are you that you really exist and the world around you exists as well?) and Religion and Morality. I really dreaded and detested the latter lessons. We were taught to question whether God truly exists, and if he does, we had to question his suppossed "benevolent, altruistic, loving and good" nature. The argument goes something like this (yes though I hated the lessons, I still listened):
*I consider this to be heretical rubbish. I'm just re-producing it for the purpose of illustrating my point.
How do we know that God exists? Does he exist because he says he does? And if he does exist, how do we know for sure that he is good? How do we know he's not some sadist who puts humans on earth to suffer and enjoy watching their pain? Let's assume that we take whatever God says to be the truth. If we think he is good just because he says he is, then how can we be sure that he isn't lying?A rebuttal to the last statement is that God can't lie. But then there'll be another counter-argument to that point. And then it goes on and on and on...
I was just concerned for the new believers and pre-believers in my class. That particular philo lesson about religion and morality practically undid all that my Christian classmates and I have been doing for the pre-believers. I have quite a few oikos in that class and from the way they were so engaged in the argument, I knew that this was war.
We too as Christians must watch out. The indoctrination is very subtle. When we delve into philosophical topics, we make ourselves vulnerable to spiritual attacks. It's the enemy's perfect chance to strike when we are off our guard with our mind's eye unprotected. The best thing to do is not to touch the subject of philosophy or KI at all.
God spoke to me right after that lesson. God Himself is far wiser than the humans He created. How then can we in our limited human wisdom understand all that there is to God? If we are able to know and explain everything about Him, then wouldn't we be as wise as God? God wouldn't be greater than us then. If we are just as wise as God, then it follows that we wouldn't need Him. Right? Wrong.
The fact is, God is unfathomable. His ways, His purposes, His timing are all beyond our understanding. That's what makes Him who He is- God, the One who created the heavens and the earth, made us in His likeness and gave us life, not to mention our intelligence too. He made us superior to all the other living creatures. To turn around and question Him is, to me, unthinkable and shows how faithless one is.
As a Christian, it's pointless to argue about this because I know the truth. It didn't really do any damage to my faith but instead made it stronger because I knew the fallacies and loopholes in the above flawed argument. Sometimes, things like that can't be explained. Science fails where faith succeeds. I know God exists because I've experienced His love, touch and presence. How am I supposed to prove that?
I can only liken God to the wind. We can't see the wind, but we know it exists because wherever it blows, the leaves rustle in its wake. Similarly, we can't see God, but we know He exists because of the lives He has changed. Every life impacted is a testimony for God. Just look around you and you'll be able to find someone whom has been touched by God.
I have no idea how I got from talking about my subject combination and KI to the topic of faith but maybe God meant for me to discuss this. I'm sure it isn't just a coincidence.
Human beings fear what they don't understand and so they try ways and means to explain phenomenons. However, we cannot bring God down to our human level to be understood because the reality is that He is an inexplicable God. When humans try to do that, flawed theories and fallacies arise. I feel that true understanding is realising and accepting that there'll be things about God which we will never be able to elucidate.
It is only when we
stop questioning and
start trusting can we truly experience the love and power of God.
Then, you'll know for sure that He exists.
0comments
Monday, October 17, 2005
-2:32 pm
pbagvahrq sebz
urerFur sryg nf gubhtu fbzrbar unq guebja
Nyy ure rzbgvbaf vagb na ryrpgevp oyraqre
Frg gur fcrrq ba "uvtu" naq jngpurq gurz
Fcva shevbhfyl va gur gueboovat znpuvar.
Fur sbhaq urefrys guvaxvat nobhg uvz
Fb bsgra abj gung fur pbhyqa'g uryc
Ohg vzntvar ubj vg jbhyq or yvxr gb
Srry uvf fgebat, jnez nezf nebhaq ure.
Fjrcg njnl ol gbeeragf bs jerapuvat
Rzbgvbaf, ybfg va gur raqyrff qrrc
Bs uvf oebja rlrf, fb zrfzrevfvat,
Va juvpu fur qebjarq fb jvyyvatyl.
Abg n qnl cnffrq jvgubhg ure qernzvat
Bs uvz, ure naq ab bar ryfr, genafpraqvat
Gvzr gb srry, va fprarf bs ure zrzbevrf,
Orggre qnlf gurl'ir frra, ohg gung jnf gura.
Rnpu gvzr fur ybbxrq ng uvz, uvf tnmr
Nyjnlf frrzrq gb zrrg uref, n tnmr
Juvpu arire orgenlrq uvf srryvatf, znfxrq
Fubjvat ab uvag bs jung fur ubcrq sbe.
Fur frnepurq, lrneavat gb ernq nyy uvf
Uvqqra gubhtugf, va n ihyarenoyr zbzrag,
N fgner uryq sbe gur ybatrfg gvzr orsber
Ur svanyyl oernxf njnl; pbaarpgvba ybfg.
Fur sryy qrrcre, fghpx va n enivar
Sbeprq vagb n qrrc ehg sebz cnpvat
Hc naq qbja gur nvfyr bs vaqrpvfvba
Abg xabjvat ubj fur jvyy rire fgbc.
Be, jurgure fur pbhyq rire fgbc
0comments
Saturday, October 15, 2005
-11:40 pm
She rushed into the chapel, a film of perspiration lining her forehead. Hurriedly, she tucked her guitar away behind some chairs at the back of the room and headed towards where everyone else was already seated.
Trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, she slipped into an empty seat at the end of the row, aware of how late she was in arriving. "This is not good," she thought to herself, "This is only my first time and I'm late." With a sigh, she quickly tuned in to what Bro. Victor was saying.
After an enriching time of sharing and learning, they took a quick break.
Relieved to see her friends, they chatted for a while. Though her close friends were around, she couldn't help but feel alien to the scene. She felt as though she didn't quite belong and was sure that she stuck out like a sore thumb. At the same time as it was a privilege to be invited, she felt unworthy of being included in such a session, which was only for those serving in the worship ministry.
"Hey, what time did you arrive?" a friend asked, "I didn't see you earlier." She shook off the thought.
"Oh, I came a little late so I sat at the back," she replied, and then remembered to add a smile.
They started to enter into a time of free worship, to see where the Lord was leading them. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on God, but all she could feel was that all too familiar sense of emptiness. Her mind started to wander, and she forced it back to God each time she got distracted. She sang the words of the song, feeling as though she meant what she was singing but somehow, something was wrong.
She didn't know if it was possible to concentrate too much but that was what she was doing. It seemed to drain her energy away and gave her a headache, but yet she couldn't feel that presence she so longed for. It seemed like eons ago when she last felt it. "Is worship supposed to be that difficult, Lord?" she asked, half wanting to give up in frustration. But then came the call.
"I sense that some of you here are going through a drought in your worship life. You've been trying to engage in worship but somehow God just seems so far away, your worship seems to be going nowhere..."
She recognised herself in that description, remembering the times she struggled through her worship during her time alone with God. She would feel so disappointed at the end, not having received anything from God or feeling His spirit moving at all.
"But you know what, God has always been there, He has promised that. Whenever and wherever you worship, He's right in the room with you, whether you realise it or not. He is just wanting to embrace you..."
As she heard those words, words which she needed to hear so badly, tears stung her tired eyes and spilled over down her cheeks. She could imagine Him right in front of her, holding out His loving arms and giving her a hug, like a Father to a child.
As she stepped out to answer the call, her exasperation with her worship life hitting rock bottom dissolved, taken away by an invisible hand which also felt the wet her tears. She reached out to the heavens, laying down everything at the foot of the cross. She was so wrought with desperation, wating to feel the touch and holy presence of the King she loves. She sang with all her heart, soul and might, not caring if she was grossly out of tune or if the people beside her heard. It all didn't matter because she meant every single word. She only had one desire.
You're all I want You're all I ever needed You're all I wantHelp me know You are near.Then, it came, likes waves of cool, refreshing water from the purest of springs washing over her fatigued body and spirit.
She wept, not in shame or sadness, but in relief, joy and indescribible gratefulness. She felt as though a internal dam had burst, as her spirit flowed with His as one river. Their precious connection was re-established. She worshipped Him just as she was, nothing more, nothing less. Her worship wasn't contrived anymore. In Him, indeed there is liberty.
"I will never leave you nor forsake you. Remember, I have always been here with you and always will."
0comments
Friday, October 14, 2005
-9:52 am
I had time to kill this morning. I realised that I came to school unnecessarily early because I forgot that my lessons don't start until 9.25am. I could have slept an extra one and a half hour longer. And no, I'm not playing truant. My maths teacher isn't here yet.
I shall list the palindromic words/names/phrases which I have brainstormed while in a sleepy stupor:
hannah
anna
toot
wow
yay
tit (for) tat
tut
tot (as in a little child)
race car
pop
pup
pip
dad
mom
non (french?)
pep (as in pep talk)
gag
poop
peep
noon
nan (as in grandma)
bob
bib
ulu (haha I know this isn't a proper word but I'm running out of ideas)
elle (as in brand name and supermodel)
tenet
deed
Bah. I can't think of anymore. Shows you how desperately bored I was. But I slept like a log after this intellectually stimulating exercise. My brain cells must have been incredibly tired. I tell you, sleeping's the best way to pass time (:
Later, Sara came along and woke me up in the middle of a most satisfying nap. She wanted to practice playing for service tomorrow so, being the nice friend that I am, I accompanied her to the grand piano in the foyer. Mr. Chia happened to just arrive in school then so he brought out what he calls his "cheapo guitar" (though I think it sounds pretty good and has a plug-in!) to jam with us. Went down to have recess with Sara and Mr Chia (he didn't have breakfast). Mr. Chia was deciding what to eat because he was going to dissect a rat at 11.00am. Dissection on a full stomach is strictly a no-no. It's the stench which gets to you, he says, and makes you want to puke.
I'm so glad I'm not doing med bio.
0comments
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
-9:11 am
I am sleepy, and bored. My arms and shoulders are aching, thanks to the many push-ups I did (more than what I usually do) and playing tennis non-stop for one and a half hour yesterday. I must say that my underhand and overhead serves are getting better and more accurate.
Tennis is really tough. I'm a seasoned badminton player (no don't get me wrong, seasoned does not mean pro) so it was kind of hard adjusting my strokes to hit the tennis ball. But hearing the "thwack" sound of the ball when my tennis racquet (miraculously) contacts the ball is incredibly satisfying I must say. A sense of achievement!
The other thing I like about tennis is that you get to play in the sun and acquire a nice golden tan! (Though I hardly think I spent enough time on the courts to get much of a tan.) The exercise is great for working out the legs too, as you have to run across the court to catch the speedily whizzing ball. But I think we spent more time running after stray balls and picking them up from all four corners of the court than actually playing tennis. Never mind, at least it's still exercise.
But ouch, there's a price to pay for working out and my over-exertion has caught up with me today. I couldn't even pull the t-shirt over my head properly without wincing in pain when I was dressing this morning. Even washing my hair has become a chore.
Now, I shall complain. This week hasn't been all that good.
1. Sandra's blog refuses to load because apparently the entire server is down. I am pathetically withering, from the lack of intellectual stimulation, deprived of my nightly dose of poison, courtesy of Sandra the linguistic genius. Her posts have become sort of like cerebral entertainment to me. I hope the server fixes itself soon.
2. My new frameless specs are a little lopsided (and the woman at the shop told me that they looked fine! Hmph.)
3. I missed my bus this morning, and so, I had no choice but to take the faster route via MRT. But that meant that I had to forgo my morning nap on the bus in air-conditioned comfort- the train was far too crowded. Hence the lethargy.
4. During my tennis assessment yesterday, my underhand serves were flying all over the place- they were so ridiculously skewed! Goodness me. I couldn't believe that they didn't even go near my partner. Maybe it was the nerves that got to me.
It didn't help that my partner's a really pro player. Her overhead power serves were so fast I couldn't reach them in time. Though my overhead serves were definitely better than my underhand, Weiz's serves were loads better than me. I felt like a frog trying to play tennis with Maria Sharapova. There goes my PE grades. I spent the free blocks after that lesson to practise until I got the serves right.
And it's
only Wednesday. Sigh. When will Saturday ever come?
2comments
Monday, October 10, 2005
-2:13 pm
Recently, a friend told me that I am too judgemental. I guess this isn't the first time I've heard it and though I'm not surprised, I must say that it still kind of hurt. To this, I would admit that there is some truth in the above charge.
I have a problem: I appear to be self-righteous most of the time, and say things which somehow come out the wrong way, hence what people interpret isn't what I actually meant to say. Like most of my friends would know, I'm a straightforward, opinionated person who would readily voice my views. Sometimes, if I think you're being silly by crying over failing your bio test, I'll tell you in the face. It's just that I don't understand the need for some people to cry it out; they're just naturally more emotional beings than I am.
Perhaps it's the way I put it across; tone of voice, language, non-verbal cues and all. Perhaps I express my opinions in such a way that they come across as being the absolute truth or standard for everyone. I reckon I have this annoying tendency to strive for "political correctness", though the more irrational and delirious side of me reacts otherwise. How strangely conflicting.
I don't know if this is the impression most people have of me, though I think it's likely because my image as a strict prefect (or a lean mean booking machine as my detractors call me) doesn't help at all. I think I've inherited my father's brash, headstrong and outspoken gene. Somehow, I seem to have inherited all my father's bad genes, including the bad temper.
Like my temper, I've learnt to hold my tongue and think before I speak so I'm a lot better than in the past where people really suffered the wrath of my stinging words, although sometimes I didn't mean it. It's just that I forget every now and then. Even my mother constantly lectures me about the importance of EQ, and dilligently reminds me of my lack of it. Am I that bad? If you happen to be reading this and have something to say, please comment below.
Not that I'm afraid of what people think of me. I welcome constructive criticism; it's the only way to improve oneself and mature. After all, the truth hurts and I've learnt to accept that. I do feel that I need to soften my image, to stop making judgements in my head about other people though I recognise that to me, it's an instinct, almost like I was born with it, a natural reaction to other people. I'd think, "This isn't the way to solve the problem, she should..." or "Can't she see that she's heading for self-destruction?"
I accept that I myself have faults, faults which I can't see but others can. That's why I rely on my friends to give me feedback, to tell me about the negative characteristics which I should work on.
It's really hard to change because I have a very judgemental nature. But impossible is nothing for God. I think the only way to overcome this is to pray, to ask God for the sensitivity and tact I lack, to nurture my EQ (yes, EQ can be acquired), and to see others through God's eyes. I should consider the impact of my words on people and put myself in their shoes to understand how they would feel.
But then again, when I express my views, it doesn't mean that I think it's the absolute standard of truth. It's just my opinion; I'm not making a moral judgement or anything. After all, everyone is entitled to their own opinions.
Like we learnt in the module about ethnocentrism, relativism really helps with correcting biases and prejudices. I should practice relativism more often, which teaches us to acknowledge that there is no one absolute, right way of doing things and that everyone's opinion is valid, although varied.
So, to my friends who may be reading this, I have one favour to ask of you. Please do not hesitate to chastise me when my judgemental nature acts up again. If need be, remind me that if God was so judgemental on all of us sinners, we wouldn't be here today.
0comments
Friday, October 07, 2005
-1:17 pm
Have you ever ridden on a motorbike before? I have.
On one of the rides, we rode through Mount Pleasant (near Onraet Road and the police academy). As we turned off from the expressway into the long winding road (a shortcut) through the forest, I felt as though I had entered a totally different world.
The forest air greeted me with a burst of floral fragrances, the surroundings were much cooler than the warmth radiating from the asphalt roads of the expressway. The crisp, sweet air was fresh and light, a stark contrast to the dusty fumes and vehicle exhaust on the highway. The cool, refreshing air whipped across my face as I lifted the helmet's face shield to savour the damp smell of leaves and soil soaked with freshly fallen rain. Bliss.
It was Nature at its best. After a long day, I was tired and worn out, longing for nothing more than a warm shower and my bed. But I was glad we took the shortcut and I'd like to think that it's God's way of showing me that He cares. The short 3-minute ride through Mount Pleasant was almost like a much-needed spa session, like ducking under a waterfall for a quick refreshing shower, as the whispering winds washed away all my fatigue and gently caressed my weary body like the very tender hands of God.
As we whizzed by, I caught glances of white and black colonial bungalows tucked safely away in the hills, surrounded by trees and other kinds of rainforest plants. I imagined how it would be like to live in one of those houses, to be so close to and dwell amongst nature every day in such a peaceful and tranquil environment, an escape and retreat from the hectic pace of life we lead, be it working or schooling.
Though this might sound like just an ordinary ride along a road through a forest, the experience means more to me than it may seem. It wasn't just a normal ride, there was this familiar feeling, this warmth, closeness and uncomprehensible peace I felt, His intangible and yet tangible touch- the awesome presence of God.
I always feel so much closer to God when I'm surrounded by nature, in the midst of His perfect and exceedingly beautiful creations. My mind was cleared of the day's happenings and stress, and it felt as though I had left reality and time behind to relish the wonders of God's handiwork in awe. I was at home.
God never ceases to amaze me, and always sends me little reminders of His love for me, like mini notes passed through Mother Nature's hands. He seems to know when I especially need it, and gives me those precious moments of refreshing rest which I treasure and am grateful for, no matter how brief.
Each time I would wish I could just linger for a while longer in His presence and the work of His hands, fearfully and wonderfully made. Indeed, there is nothing like the specially arranged spa of Nature, with compliments, from our loving Father.
0comments
Thursday, October 06, 2005
-9:19 pm
... continued from
hereShe found herself whispering short
Little prayers under her breath
Audible to no one except herself and
To the One above who smiled lovingly.
"God help me," she would breathe
Every time before an examination or
Exclaim "Wow God, the sky's beautiful,"
Before snapping a photograph of it.
She found herself documenting her life
Day by day, the good, bad and the ugly
In writing, songs and photography
Etching precious memories in tangible form.
She began hungering for Something
Inexplicable, an insatiable appetite
That began to consume her very being
As His heart became her only pursuit.
She carried the little leather-bound book
Wherever she went, poring over it
Hugging it tight, never letting go
For it yielded wisdom, promise, and hope.
The more she fed her spirit, the more
She grew, upwards, deeper and nearer
Drawn to the very thing she tried to avoid
Confronted by His unconditional sacrifice.
Mornings, she woke with a hope
In place of her heart's empty ache
Nights, she slept with quiet peace,
Still now, no more tossing anxiously.
Walking along the overhead bridge
She would notice the blue sky
Clear, almost like her mind now
As the wind blew away the grey mist.
Riding in the bus, amidst the noise,
She looks out the windows and sees
Lovely flowers smiling brightly
Their colours painting a soft rainbow.
Once, she looked down from her apartment
Windows flung open, thoughts churning
Helpless, hopeless, deperate, sad
Wanting to feel the floor rush up on her.
But now, it was with new eyes she saw
The night sky with twinkling stars
The benevolent moon and all its splendour
The cool wind upon her face, her tired eyes.
She wondered why she had not noticed
Any of these nuances before, softly
Thanking Him for showing her that
He cares, loves, heals and restores.
0comments
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
-10:24 am
... continued from
here The Father's heart, wrought with pain
Feeling every single shuddering sob
Which escaped from within her and felt
The wet of her tears, His tears on His cheeks
"Why won't You come to me, my child?"
He asked, longing so much to hold her in
His arms which ached with grief from seeing
Her torture herself with stubborn ideals.
"So many times I have knocked at your door
Asking to be let into the room of your heart
But each time you shut the door in my face
Sometimes acting deaf in pretense and denial."
"I love you so much, to have given my only son
In exchange for your life. Even if you were
The only human left on earth, He would
Still have died for you, for you and only you."
"Don't do this to yourself, you're hurting me too
You know I'm always here, but yet you're
Drawing stiff, invisible walls around yourself,
Trying to shut out the pain, and my love too."
What she knew, He knew for the longest time
What she didn't know, He also knew.
Words were not needed, the clarity of silence
Spoke more than what was seen or heard.
He knew her bitterness, eating away
At a once pure and loving spirit, leaving
Nothing more than a skeleton of abandoned
Dreams left to die and fade into oblivion.
Beneath the facade, she struggled, wrestling with God
Like a desperate Jacob in the barren desert of trials
Hurricanes raged and ice storms wildly ravaged
Her consciousness, conflicts festering in avoidance.
Her questioning eyes, the frightened stare,
Betrayed her of her deepest feelings and fear
As uncertainty crashed like the pounding waves
On the rocky headland of her heart and soul.
There you go Sandra dear. I'm always replying at odd times so it seems as though I'm play truant. But don't worry, it's just that I have free blocks in between my lessons. This poem is starting to be littered with monologues, but I don't think I can ever reproduce the very loving words of God, nor can any man for that matter. Is it just me or is it getting kind of dark and depressing? I bet only The Hours can still look good with depression pervading the whole movie. Reckon it's time for a little change in the mood/ atmosphere? Add a little emotional stimulation if you will. The graph charting the mood should be fluctuating or at least have a constant acceleration, not stagnant (:
0comments
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
-3:23 pm
... continued from
here
She couldn't let go, she told herself
The pain tugged at her fragile heart
Worn and torn from love unrequited
And tricky triangles which confused her.
Why me? she asked, as though
Someone up there owed her an answer
Yet, there was silence, even more piercing
Than before she fell into the dark recess.
But the God of the impossible answered
A voice which rang out loud and clear
Sweeping away the stagnant cobwebs
The agony of fumbling deliberation.
"Call to me and I will answer you," He said
"And tell you great and unsearchable things
You do not know." Indeed, she didn't know
But yet she called, and she will trust.
"My eyes saw your unformed body," He said
"All the days ordained for you were written
In my book before one of them came to be
You are my precious child, my daughter."
"Where can You go from my Spirit?" He asked
"Where can you flee from my presence?
No darkness is ever too dark for me
My light will be your morning star again."
Crushed, burdened, hurt and perplexed
She dreamt of falling into the His warm embrace
Allowing the Father to soothe away her tears
Feeling Him wash away the pain with His love.
"Be still and know that I am God," He whispered
She would find rest at last, free from the struggles
She knew then that the eternal God is her refuge
And underneath are the everlasting arms.
[ Jeremiah 33:3, Psalm 139, Psalm 46:10, Deuteronomy 33:27]
I'm so sorry Sandra dear, it turned out longer than I expected. And, as you know, I am exceptionally verbose so do forgive me.
0comments
-3:04 pm
Hm the first three papers we got back today weren't too bad, except that social studies was quite a disappointment. I guess it was probably because I didn't do enough practice for the SBQ and kind of lost focus on the required points in order to get the maximum marks. I don't think I even looked at the LORMs before the test. That was definitely a major oversight. Well, it's not like I can change anything now.
Maths was the high point of the day! I didn't fail, and got a much better result than the last few maths summative tests. But then, I lost quite a few marks (almost 8 marks!) to carelessness, despite repeated rounds of checking! Argh. I felt like smacking myself on the forehead so many times because I realised that I had so many glaring careless mistakes, errors which were unpardonable. The most regrettable one was the errors which were carried forward to the next question because the parts were all linked and required you to use the answer for the previous part to solve the next. That whole question was 14 marks and I only managed to score 8. Blah.
But oh wells, that's that. I'll just work harder next time. At least I'm improving (:
Anyways, I observed that paper-checking time is usually met with two different reactions. 1. The people who are confident that they'll do well, and don't really mind too much if they get a lower mark than expected because they know they can better. 2. Those who have absolutely no confidence in themselves and think that their results are going to be extremely bad. Sometimes, their definition of a lousy mark is 18/25. (What?! Actually, I consider that to be quite a satisfactory score.)
The perfect example of the latter kind of student is a good friend of mine. Aye, though she is a really smart girl, she just falls apart if her results turn out to be below expectations. She's competitive; I can tell from the way she asks about how everyone did, although she doesn't quite realise it herself. I think I've blogged about her and her perfectionistic personality before.
I can tell that she has a few distorted cognitive patterns, which results in numerous warped paradigms about herself. She puts so much value to her academic results that she really pushes herself to the max, or even beyond her limit just to achieve what she calls success. That's a high price to pay, not to mention that it is not worth it at all. Hello, the world's not going to end although you got a 32/50 for maths. She calls it an "ack!" result (meaning, enough to make her vomit blood), even after she bargained for an extra two marks and happened to get it, which makes it 34/50.
There she was, complaining about her marks and I felt like rolling my eyes (ok I know it sounds really bad but I couldn't stand it). It's nauseating and irks me to no end. Some people did a whole lot worse than her and didn't even shed a tear, or act as though the sky was falling down. Some people just can't get things into perspective and attach too much value to fleeting things which will fade away. There isn't any eternal significance in how many As you get. After you die and go to heaven, God won't care one bit whether you passed your bio test or not.
It's always the eternal things (character, moral values, prinicples, investing in lives) vs. the temporary things (grades, much-coveted certificates, money, knowledge). We must learn to discern what is worth investing our time and effort in and not restrict ourselves to a life not worth living. If you work so hard, just for your own selfish goals, without doing anything which makes the world a better place (no matter how small that action may be), what's the point of living? If you're stressed and sad all the time, is living just to achieve the world's definition of success really worth it? Living for the expectations of others, to me, tremendously depreciates the value of life.
Of course, from a third person's point of view, it's always easy to say things like that or judge the way other people live their lives. But I'm not being judgemental here. It's just that I feel I have so many other schoolmates who are like her, chasing after papers which will be blown away by the winds of time and eaten by moths, or turned to dust of the earth after some time. They're all missing out on the point of life; it seems they don't live a life of purpose and meaning. Maybe it's just that my purpose and what I deem as meaning is different from theirs. I've learnt a costly lesson, and now I know what's important to me in life, what my priorities are.
On your deathbed, you don't want to look back on the last 70+ years of your life and regret anything, or can't seem to think of anything you did which made a lasting impact in someone else's life.
What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? [Matthew 16:26]So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. [2 Corinthians 4:18]I just hope that my friends and others like her will realise this before it's too late.
0comments
Monday, October 03, 2005
-9:35 pm
I'm nervous.
The EOY papers are going to be returned tomorrow and I really don't know how I'll fare. To me, it is the first time I've left almost after every paper feeling pretty good about how I did. I'm sure it was the hand of God at work because I've never felt so calm during the papers before and I've never finished a maths paper with 20 minutes to spare, correcting numerous careless mistakes on both rounds of double and triple checks!
However, I know that I shouldn't get my hopes up. The higher my hopes, the bigger the disappointment. I'll just prepare myself for the worst and maybe it won't be so bad, if my results do turn out to be unexpectedly lousy. What's done is done anyways so all I can do is pray hard that I'll get a decent enough GPA to qualify for the RJC Humanities Programme and scholarship.
Dear Lord, I thank You for answering my prayer, and so quickly at that! You really work wonders, even when I thought it would be impossible to forget, but I'm almost half way there. It's amazing how You've taken control for me and turned things around. It's when I submitted completely to You did You then do in me what I thought couldn't be done. But You are the God of the impossible and impossible is nothing for You.
Lord, I just ask that You will continue to help me and walk me through this difficult process. I know that each time I obey in faith, I am one step closer to achieving that total abandonment and to deeper intimacy with You. I commit my thoughts, emotions and everything I do into Your mighty hands. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.Stuck in a mess you can't get out of? Click
here for a list of emergency phone numbers.
Hm I wonder why you don't seem to want to talk to me anymore. Maybe you're going through the same thing as I am. How ironic.
0comments
Sunday, October 02, 2005
-1:51 pm
Burn the Shipsby Steven Curtis Chapman and James Isaac Elliott
[Luke 9:62, Philippians 3:12-14, John 10:10]
In the spring of 1519 a Spanish fleet set sail
Cortez told his sailors this mission must not fail
On the eastern shore of Mexico they landed with great dreams
But the hardships of the new world make them restless and weak
Quietly they whispered, "Let's sail back to the life we knew"
But the one who led them there was saying
Chorus:
Burn the ships, we're here to stay
There's no way we could go back
Now that we've come this far by faith
Burn the ships, we've passed the point of no return
Our life is here
So let the ships burn
In the spring of new beginnings a searching heart set sail
Looking for a new life and a love that would not fail
On the shores of grace and mercy we landed with great joy
But an enemy was waiting to steal, kill, and destroy
Quietly he whispers, "Go back to the life you knew"
But the one who led us here is saying
Burn the ships, we're here to stay
There's no way we could go back
Now that we've come this far by faith
Burn the ships, we've passed the point of no return
Our life is here
So let the ships burn
Bridge:
Nobody said it would be easy
But the one who brought us here
Is never gonna leave us alone
Burn the ships, we're here to stay
There's no way we could go back
Now that we've come this far by faith
Burn the ships, we've passed the point of no return
Our life is here
So let the ships burn
I find the parellels drawn with faith and fear in this song very compelling. There are allusions to the Bible extremely apt and it's a really effective illustration of abandoning our lives and pasts to follow Jesus and step into our destiny.
Indeed, "no one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." The imagery of abandoning and burning the ships creates a sense of total surrender and faith in knowing what we're here for, that the one who led us here will see us through. Amazing. Wish I could write songs like Steven Curtis Chapman. They're awesome. I shall work on it!
This song means a lot more to me than I can say. I guess, especially after yesterday's service, the issue of total abandonment has been tugging at my heart. I heard God's voice, I know what He said to me during that time of worship, though admittedly I was having trouble focusing at that point. Yet, the words He spoke were loud and clear. It was that familiar voice, that tone which causes me to just leave everything behind and let myself be lost in His fragrance, that beautiful, enchanting presence.
Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed but alive in Your hands
Even when singing that song, I truly felt such adoration and gratefulness, like what you would feel if someone saved you from self-destruction, from blind ignorance and sin. That same voice has been telling me to let go, time and time again, but I am a traitor, betraying that very unconditional love for me by holding on to selfish desires.
I hear God telling me to be brutal about it. You can't love the world and love God at the same time. You have to hate the world if you want to love God. No, some things cannot be compromised. Yet I find myself struggling to tear away from something I have grown to value so much. But I know that it is the cost of following Jesus I am willing pay.
How nice it would be to say that I have always heeded the call of God and surrendered completely without questioning or hesitation. But I have to say that truthfully, it isn't that way. The struggle is real, something which I've always chastised myself for because I know the gracious love of the Father has saved me time and time again, even though I've let Him down. I've fallen, more times than I would like to admit but He promised that He'll catch me each time. And He did. And still will, I believe.
But I hate feeling as though God is my safety net, to fall back on when I get myself into yet another mess. I want so much to do more for God, to give Him more than what I think I can give; my life is not enough. A few lines of a song I wrote goes, "I am undeserving... O Lord, my debt I can't repay, You bought my life with Yours. Just to serve You, I am thankful."
I know what I need to do. Once and for all. I just ask that He'll give me the courage and strength to overcome. It's going to be painful, but it has to be done. Let the dead bury their own dead. When Jesus says, "Follow me," I'm going to need to drop everything immediately and leave behind the life I have once known, to seek a higher cause and be with my one true love all the rest of my life.
0comments