lifesong
Everyone needs compassion
Love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Saviour
The hope of nations
Saviour, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender
Shine your light in
Let the whole world see
We're singing, for the glory
Of the risen King
Jesus, Shine your light in
Let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory
Of the risen king
Sunday, October 30, 2005
-3:39 pm
Am I too loud for a girl?
I have been thinking about this ever since last week's cell. It seems that I'm the loudest girl around in my section, or at least in my cell and I guess you can say that it isn't really congruous with the way I dress.
I might seem all skirts and feminine stuff but when it comes to playing games, thinking up of forfeits or doing them, cheering, yelling and teasing, I'm really the epitome of what you call the "tomboy". You should have seen me before I did a major overhaul on my wardrobe and started to dress more like a girl. Even the way I speak is really so... un-feminine.
My rambunctious laughter can usually be heard along the hallway outside the chapel, or along the corridors of the 3rd floor. And mind you, it's not just my laughter registering really high on the decibel scale but the way I laugh would cause my personal grooming teachers and those prim and proper English ladies to cringe.
I love to play truth or dare because I can think up of impossibly embarrassing dares for other people, especially the guys. Forfeits are my forte and according to one of my cellmates, I am positively downright evil with regards to the forfeits I come up with. Maybe it's just that I have a mean streak which the rest of my female cellmates don't have and am not afraid of retribution when it's my turn to do a forfeit. My cell always tries to think up of the ultimate forfeit for me as pay back for whatever ridiculous things they had, to do courtesy of yours truly (: But I'm really quite thick-skinned so they still have yet to think up of one that would put every single one of my forfeits to shame.
My mom is constantly on my case for being too loud, boisterous and "chor lor" (rough/ tomboyish in Hokkien). She thinks that I shouldn't clap and cheer too loudly during service (I've attended adult services with her before and I can tell that half the time she wants to act as though she doesn't know me). But to me, my unbridled cheering and applause is my way of showing my affection for God. I don't ever want to hold back because He deserves all my praise and so much more. Do you think you'd care so much about what other people think when you're in the presence of your King? I hardly think so.
After going through The Woman's Voice lit option, it has really cast a new light on the image of being a female for me, of how women are expected to fit into stereotypes and conform to what the men expect and want. For me, it's like fitting square pegs into a round hole. I am me. This is who I am and I cannot become somebody else. It is not like me to be quiet and reserved, to speak only when spoken to or to be seen but not heard. That will only happen the day pigs fly. I speak my mind, regardless of whether males are present or whether they would find it hard to swallow.
Maybe it is because I grew up in a famiy with the only females being my mom and I; I have two younger brothers. I have always been outspoken and unrestrained with my opinions. Perhaps my four years in RGS played a part too. Without the male presence (I have nothing against males and I'm not a feminist- it's just something to do with a psychological barrier that females have), we have learnt to truly be ourselves and express our thoughts without reservation or fear. We carry our own chairs down to the amphitheatre for school events and do other menial tasks usually delegated to the guys to take care of.
Having been in a single-sex environment for four years already, admittedly, I am kind of nervous and apprehensive about JC next year. I just hope that we girls won't lose our identities as empowered individuals because of feelings of inferiority, or more likely due to feelings for the opposite sex at the same time.
I am not the typical kind of girl that guys would have crushes on. Not that it is an issue with me. In fact, I kind of like the feeling of being on level playing ground with the guys and not having the kind of attention that guys would give the prettier girls. That way, I guess I can make friends with guys without that kind of barrier/ self-consciousness or distinction that goes like the "he's a guy, I'm a girl. We're different and opposites attract" kind of mentality. I just see all the guys as my brothers. I don't know if my male friends feel the same sentiments as I do but I hope that they can feel that liberty of being themselves around me without any reservations.
Sometimes I wonder too, like what kind of guy would like a girl like me. Haha, not that I'm desperate to get attached or anything at all; that's far from it. In fact, no romance for me until I'm at least 19 or 21. I just wonder who will be the one God has destined for me. I know that God has a special someone who will come along when the time is right, or maybe that person is already someone I know. But whatever it is, I do hope dreams come true. Even if they don't, it'll be interesting to meet the person whom you're going to spend the rest of your life with (after a certain age).
I know it's a little too early to be pondering this but whoever he may be, the most important thing is that he has a heart that seeks after God and is on fire for Him. Then, we will have a common purpose and passion- God and Him alone (:
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