Tuesday, August 30, 2005
-5:39 pm
The most unbelievable thing happened to me on saturday night.
I've been praying really hard for God to pour out His musical annointing on me and I can really feel it. I've been writing songs so frequently I'm starting to wonder if it's normal. I guess it's hard to fight the divine inspiration when it comes, and whoa it sure comes very often. Spent the whole of late last night, or rather, this morning until 1am writing a worship song. Like finally- a worship song! Worship songs are really hard to write, as compared to ministering songs which I write pretty easily.
Ok, so this was what happened on saturday after combined cell: Pastor Darick asked me to play my songs for him. He thought it was pretty good and just then, Bro. Kevin called him and PDa asked him to come up and listen to my songs. I was so scared and embarrassed! It was so impromptu and I was unprepared for it. My singing and guit playing are pretty amateur-ish, not to mention my really horribly illegible handwriting. Haha, but Bro Kevin liked them and said they're "good stuff" so he got my contact so that he could invite me for RAW sessions (real and authentic worship- where they write songs). Wow! I mean, I'm not as talented as Hannah or Brandon or anything, and I've only been writing for a month, compared to Hannah. It was so unbelievable that the next morning when I woke up, I was still trying to figure out whether it was all just a dream, because I did dream about that in my sleep. I'm really encouraged and excited about it and I thank God everyday for giving me opportunities to serve Him and bless others like these.
I can't wait for the Os to end! Then we can form our very own cell 3 '04 band! We have:
1 guitarist- brandon [he's super pro! my shifu (: ]
1 basist- charles
1 drummer- nicholas
2 keyboardists- hannah and myself
3 vocalists- amanda, candice [THE voice] and dinesh
Most of us can double up for two roles, for example, hannah can sing too. Our other cell members can fill in other roles like producers and sound technicians. Schezn can be our band manager! We need one more guitarist though. Maybe we can pull in marcus lim. Haha... Was thinking of names for the band with hannah and we thought of FORTIFIED. Like it's cell 4 and 5 of the sec. 4/5 section. And we're like a city with fortified walls because we're standing strong faithfully in God! But then it'll be stealing last year's sec. 4/5 section name. I hope they won't mind, right josh? (: We'll brainstorm for the right name after the Os are over and done with. This might be ambitious thinking but hey, even the biggest successes start from dreams. Since brandon, hannah and I write our own songs, we can record our very own CD! One thing's for sure, we're definitely a cell gifted in music and other talents and we're determined to use it for God's glory.
Hope the outflow of annointing and songs will continue to come, and that God's spirit will speak through me. Through the words I pen down and the melodies I compose, I do hope that it will touch a heart somewhere out there, if my songs do get heard eventually.
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Monday, August 29, 2005
-12:10 pm
This just struck me today: I noticed how I would only say a prayer of thanksgiving to God for the food as an afterthought, sometimes only after I have eaten a spoonful of food. This is extremely regrettable. Why should we only think of God's faithful providence as an afterthought? I wonder if it's just me or are there many other Christians out there who forget too.
It's ironic how we
readily spend an 10 minutes before bedtime chatting on MSN or on the phone with a friend
....... but not use that 10 minutes to read God's word.
feel so alive and energetic surfing the net on the computer
....... but feel sleepy and lethargic when we are about to spend time with God.spend a whole afternoon out shopping with friends or watching a movie
....... but refuse to join a support ministry to serve God in church.remember the date of the next movie showing on TV
....... but not remember when is the next time our pledge is due.freely spend more than $100 at one go shopping for clothes or whatever else
....... but decide that we're too broke to give back to God 10% of what belongs to Him.
spend all our time studying for the big exams coming up
....... but not spend even 1 minute praying about it.critisize others and gossip about them as though we are perfect
....... but fail to remember that we were all made by the same Creator.
worry away our sleepless nights about our own problems
....... but not spend time to pray for our friends.complain that we don't have enough to eat, or clothes to wear
....... but forget that children in Africa have been starving for months.cry and pour out our sorrows to a friend, searching everywhere for a solution to our problems
....... looking anywhere but up, where God waits with His outstretched hands, waiting for His child to come into His arms and confide in Him, when He can soothe away your tears and hold you for a while longer.He's always there waiting, knocking at the door of your heart. But do you slam the door in His face or allow Him to enter with a thankful heart and welcome Him with open arms?
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Friday, August 26, 2005
-8:55 pm
17th August, 1990
My dearest daughter,
Writing is forbidden here in Gilead. But here I am, writing you a letter. A story is like a letter, but this is not a story I am telling, because I do not have control over the ending. I do not know where you are now, only that you are not with me. Nonetheless, I will pretend that you can hear me.
My daughter, notice I do not use your name. Attaching a name attaches you to the world of fact, which is riskier, more hazardous: who knows what the chances are out there, of survival, or yours? I know I must forget my secret name, even yours and your father’s too. But I keep them, like forbidden treasure stashed safely away in my memory. It keeps my past intact as I delve into the deep layers of my consciousness at night, to recall who I am, and who you are. I dream a lot nowadays, the line between reality and fantasy is blurred. Maybe the life I think I’m living is a paranoid delusion.
Not a hope. I know where I am, and who, and what day it is. These are tests, and I am sane. Sanity is a valuable possession; I hoard it the way people once hoarded money. I save it so I will have enough, when the time comes.
My daughter, I have so much to say to you. Yet, a mere letter cannot contain the outflow of words from my heart, it cannot express how much I love you and long to hear your voice. I have just seen a photo of you. You have grown. Serena Joy came to my room, she was holding it, a Polaroid print, square and glossy. I could only have it for a minute though, she had to return it before they found out that it was missing. I took it from her, turned it around so I could see it right-side up. Was it you I wondered. My treasure.
You are still alive.
So tall and changed. Smiling a little now, so soon, and in your white dress as if for an olden-day First Communion. Time has not stood still. I am only a shadow now, far back behind the glib shiny surface of this photograph. Trapped in a prison with invisible walls, plaster eyes in the ceiling. A shadow of a shadow, as dead mothers, I have become. I could see it in your eyes: I’m not there. Do you know me at all? Remember the times we shared together before the nightmare started?
I don’t think you do.
I try not to miss you too much. The heartache is too much to bear, sometimes like a dull hollow ache, at times, sharp excruciating pain. I need to lock up all my emotions, become unfeeling, if not they would drain away, and I would become just a shell, dead.
But I cannot help myself. Nights are my time, to do as I please. I would lie awake in bed, drifting between consciousness and numbing oblivion. I would recall the past, bit by bit, fragment by fragment. One day, they would all be pieced together, like a jigsaw puzzle of my past.
I remember holding you, your eyelids heavy with sleep, your little head nestled on my shoulder. I would rock you, resting my cheek against yours, smelling the powdery fragrance of a baby, my baby. I would bring you outside to play, your laughter like music to my ears. You would turn and smile at me. A smile bright than the sun; brilliant radiance. Sometimes, you would cry, and I would hold you tight in my arms, to tenderly kiss the fears away, to gently wipe your tears away from your eyes.
But all that is gone now. Your young face I still remember, albeit hazy and distorted, but still flashing before my very eyes each time I thought of you. The pang of missing you, of a mother losing her child, would haunt me. Images like a black and while slideshow clicking by, one after another, of us running though the dark forest, of you stumbling, of us lying as still as corpses waiting for the danger to pass, of me trying to stifle your frightened cries. Of you, being taken away from me, your pale face fading into the death of the night. The anguish of losing you still hurts though it has been so long. Time cannot erase the pain.
I wonder how you are now, my child. Where you are, who you are with and what you are doing. My only hope is that you have not been imprisoned as well, incarcerated in this depraved, fallen world. But if you are, though I wildly hope against it, I want you to escape. Be strong, do not conform. They can try to indoctrinate you, show you Unwomen documentaries. But you must not ever yield. Never.
My daughter, I still hold you dear in my heart. Nights, I would try to catch your fleeting image, but like shifting shadows you would slither from my grasp, slipping through my fingers. But at least I know you exist, in your white dress. You grow and live. Isn’t that a good thing? A blessing?
Still, I can’t bear it, to have been erased from your life just like that. Better she’d brought me nothing. How I long to hear your call me “Mommy” again, just once more.
But it’s no good, because I know you can’t hear me.
With love,
Mom
-
-
This was a piece I wrote for my literature The Handmaid's Tale test, where we had to take on the role of a character in the novel and write a diary entry in that persona. For those who have read the book, you'll know that I'm writing as Offred, a Handmaid in Gilead. Do leave your comments; I value any thoughts or sentiments on this piece of writing.
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Wednesday, August 24, 2005
-9:28 pm
I am currently locked out of my room. Just because I forgot the door stopper and the wind slammed the door shut. And locked it too. What more- I left my room key IN MY ROOM. Boo. What a silly mistake.
I originally planned to do integration practice and then have tawg but I guess I'll have to wait until my dad comes home and digs out the elusively hidden room keys. Maybe I'll get to have supper though, nice yummy fried fish soup with seaweed. Mmm...
Hence, I shall blog. About random things I've been thinking about.
The scent of rain.
Have you ever wondered why during the period of time before a shower or storm, there will always be a certain smell, or warning fragrance as I like to call it, which seems to hang heavily in the air like the overcast rain clouds brooding in the dark sky? I find the scent mysteriously refreshing, yet have no idea how it came about. Is it the smell of water vapour in the 100% humidity when the air has reached saturation point? In that case, why doesn't the sea smell the same? Or the bathroom after a steamy warm bath? Or when the kettle boils and whistles? It'll always be one of the whimsical mysteries of nature, but I'll always enjoy the scent of rain.
Ever the enterprising me (ah the government would be proud of me heeding their call to be innovative and have a spirit of entreprenuership), I have half the mind to market it as a unique fragrance for women.
I was just jogging downstairs a while ago and noticed this cool looking dude in an oversized black t-shirt and baggy hip-hop style jeans, with a fashionably shaven head and branded sling bag, mastering the signature stride of the high-class rebel. I thought he looked pretty good. He must be some guy my age with a wicked sense of style. But then as I jogged closer face-on, I realised to my horror that he was some old uncle probably well into his fifties! Goodness gracious me. And to think that I actually thought he was cute. Argh. I was disgusted with myself. I wanted then to run in the opposite direction straight to the optician to get my eyes checked. Why on earth is an ah pek his age dressed like this?
I seriously think that people should dress their age and not try to be younger or older than they really are. It belies a sense of insecurity and low self-confidence. Age doesn't really matter. Your outward appearance may be elderly but like my grandma is, you can be young at heart. It's really your attitude and perspective towards life from which people can see how old you really are psychologically. I've seen enough old aunties dressed up like some hooker, showing lots of fleshy leg with fishnet stockings, a black see-through top and blood-red lipstick to last me a lifetime, thank you very much. I'll appreciate it if the ageing population would just dress their age, face up to the reality of AGEING and just accept that youth is not forever.
Why are people always trying to become someone they are not?
It's one of the paradoxes of life and anthropology. I guess identity crises are not always constrained to occur in mid-life and teen years. But then again, one may drift through many different identities throughout one's lifetime. This reminds me of a homosexuality talk we had once in the school hall during the weekly formal assembly. I was trying to hard to figure out whether the speaker was a male or a female. His/her hand movements and mannerisms reflected unrestrained femininity but the facial features were more manly. Hence, it became an amusing game for me to entertain myself during the long introduction and preparation for the presentation- Welcome to Guess the Sex! Is ___ a male? Or a female? Well, after a self-introduction, the name "Leslie" dispelled all mystery about the speaker's gender, to my disappointment. Apparently, he was once a tranvestite, living four years of his life as a woman. That just about explains it I guess.
I just don't get why people want to change sex and the whole concept of homosexuality. I know it's a taboo subject but I'm going to discuss it anyways. My stand is pretty clear: there's no such thing as a natural sexual orientation/ inclination towards the same sex. To me, it's all psychological and begins in the mind. God doesn't make mistakes. The whole problem with homosexuality is because Man decides that God does make mistakes, and he knows better than Him.
Don't you notice that whenever Man fiddles with nature, there'll always be unwanted side effects and complications?
My aunt, a nurse at a surgery, once told me that God has created our bodies to be to intricately beautiful, and like what my bio teacher would say, every organ down to each cell has highly specialised functions. Once the doctor removes the intestines during an operation or even just moves it around in the body cavity, things will never be the same again after the body is stitched up. Infections will arise, intestinal problems will plague the poor patient who will have no choice but to again rely on Man's pathetic efforts to try to restore the body back to its pristine and perfect condition, but it is highly impossible, because Man himself is imperfect.
All I have to say is: don't mess with nature. God has His ways and they are always higher than ours. Don't try to be a know-it-all smart-aleck and attempt to change things because once the delicate equilibrium is upset, the status quo will be extremely difficult to restore. Too many cooks spoil the broth but in this case, more than one cook can do big time damage to an already topsy-turvy world.
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Tuesday, August 23, 2005
-8:32 am
I remember your phone number by heart
so that some day, when I'm near the end,
I can call you and bid you goodbye
With the last of my dying breath
And tell you that
I love you.
just a random poem I thought of while in maths class (oops.)
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Sunday, August 21, 2005
-1:41 pm
Wow I'm totally amazed right now. I have written 7 songs altogether, in the space of only 1 month! This is some exhilarating frequency of inspiration. God's awesome! Just had a fight with my dad and decided to have tawg to seek God about it and repent, but I ended up writing a song. Haha, it sounded rock-angsty. But I feel so much better after writing it. I guess writing songs is an avenue for me to vent my emotions too. I don't have time to post all my songs up here but those fortunate people at church will be able to hear them (:
We went to Ben's huge house in King Albert's Park last night for cell. The change of environment was refreshing but our main purpose for going there was to see his 8 siberian huskies! They are gorgeous! His female just had four puppies and they are so so so so cute! Being the dog lover that I am, I just have an insatiable love for dogs, big or small, fat or skinny, noisy or quiet. The pups were really so so adorable! I carried one, cradling it like a baby in my arms and it fell cosily asleep there, and when I placed it on my lap too! *Squeals* If I lived in a house as big as Ben's, I'll definitely buy one of them, since his mom is putting them up for sale. I can go on and on, waxing lyrical about his dogs and house but I shan't because I have to go for lunch and start mugging soon.
Want to go watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory tomorrow but I don't think anyone will go with me since it's the exams and prelims period. Hmph. This is sad. And I highly doubt it'll still be running after exams. Oh wells, I'll probably go alone or with my dad or something. It has been my all-time favourite book since primary school and I can't afford to miss it. If only it was the hols now... *sighs wistfully* FAT HOPE.
Brandon sent me a really awesome video of Strong Tower by Kutless. Go view it
here.
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Friday, August 19, 2005
-11:44 pm
Blue Skies
by Point of GraceWords & music matt huesmann & grant cunningham
On days of gray
When doubt clouds my view
It’s so hard to see past my fears
My strength seems to fade
And it’s all I can do
To hold on, ’til the light reappears
Still, I believe though some rain’s bound to fall
That you’re here next to me
And you’re over it all
ChorusLord, the sky’s still blue
For my hope is in you
You’re my joy
You’re the dream that’s still alive
Like the wind at my back
And the sun on my face
You are life
You’re grace
You are blue skies
You’re my blue skies
When nights are long
Seems the dark has no end
Still we walk on in light of the truth
For waiting beyond
Where the morning begins
Is the dawn, and you’re mercy anew
Oh, to believe we’re alive in you’re love
There is so much to see
If we keep looking up
You fill the heavens with hope and a higher love
A picture, a promise for life
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-11:10 pm
OK, I'm breaking my vow of not blogging for three weeks until exams are over but I really can't help it, there's so much I want to record.
My tawg has been getting better by the day, ever since I prayed with Schezn on sunday. I thank God for giving me such beautiful revelations. I'm currently doing Genesis and going through Joseph's story. It's one of my favourite Bible passages because his trial and hardship was really hell, but God was with him the whole time (this phrase was repeated 4 times in chapter 39!), blessing him in whatever he did and granting him favour in the eyes of so many.
Thursday's class cell with Mrs. Tan and Mr. Chia was great. Well, God spoke to me about this verse as my bio teacher was sharing about his favourite verse and its meaning . Often people ask questions, wondering what is there to live on for, why are there so many trials and tribulations, problem after problem which never seem to go away. I know I do. But I believe here's God's answer to that:
The verse is from 2 corinthians 4:7-9. First, some background info on 1 and 2 corinthians. In 1 corinthians, the church of corinth was a young church so Paul addressed more of teething problems, basic things that a young church would face. But in 2 corinthians, the church was more mature and hence he moved on to more intimate topics.
2 Corinthians 4:7-97But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
I've always wondered what the significance of the "jars of clay" is. Then my bio teacher said that it was a metaphor, for how you know these earthen jars are made of clay. God has called us to be like these jars of clay, and inside us, we hold God's all-surpassing power and glory. But in order for the light to shine and His glory to be seen by the people around us, we have to be first broken, broken down to shards and pieces of pottery. The Potter's Hand has shaped us into these jars of clay for His purposes. If we are not broken, God's glory will not be seen. This speaks volumes about how we as His children have to be humble and broken in spirit, and for us to be broken, we must constantly face problems and trials, hardships which will break us, allow God to work and His glory to shine forth in all the world. That's why we always seem to face never ending problems in life. Yes, Christ died for our sins, we are God's children and we have no more condemnation in Christ Jesus, but God never promised a smooth flight, only a safe landing. We will always go through problems and tough times, walk through deserts seemingly alone but God is with us. Every single thing we go through is for a purpose, God has a reason for allowing that to happen.
Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
But like Joseph, we have to continually trust Him to bring us through it and guide us. The bigger our destiny, the long and harsher our preparation process will be. God put Joseph through really trying times, to refine him as gold, in order to make him a worthy vessel for His use, to one day be in charge of the whole of Egypt during the famine. God has a great calling for you, and you need to be ready for it. So don't be discouraged by what is happening. Accept the challenge and allow God to work. He might not reveal to you His plans immediately, but just trust that He knows what He's doing. He wants to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you hope and a future. I always hold this promise close to my heart.
Well, today was a rather productive day, in more than one way. Cynthia has been really spiralling down into a depressed mood with her getting unconsolably upset over a literature performance task result. Sigh. Life's so much more than that, it doesn't define her worth or significance as a person. She's just taking everything so hard, especially when things don't meet her high expectations. I'm concerned for her because JC next year will definitely be so much tougher, with a new syllabus, new school, new environment and our grades will most surely go plummetting, coupled with increased competition from the RI guys and other O-level students, she won't be able to cope with that. I've said all that I could say to counsel her, tried all kinds of methods and approaches, mostly soft ones. But I realised that she'd jolly well snap out of it or face a certain fate next year. So I figured she needed a proper wake up call.
Took her aside and just gave her a piece of my mind. She was really agitated at first, accusing me of not understanding her and having everything going well for me that I can't feel what she feels. Didn't expect her to react that way but well, I can't blame her. She was already emotional before I talked to her. Thank goodness for Juliet who was peacemaker when I wanted to walk off in exasperation. After that, and apparently after she was in her right mind, she apologised but she didn't have to apologise to me. She has really beaten herself up bad.
Well, at least I know she listens to and remembers what I say. And I'm glad she still wants to hold on to God.
Got back my THT lit diary entry PT and guess what--- I got full marks! That's so miraculous because the day before the test, smart, intelligent me forgot to bring home my book! How can anyone study for a text-based exam without the text? But God has proven faithful by helping me with it. And this is the testimony of His goodness! Praise the Lord!
Studied together with Hannah, Brandon, Marcus, Daniel, Dinesh, Schezn and Amanda today in church. God provided an open room for us on the 3rd floor fortunately, which we later found out was booked by Bro. Victor. Was pretty productive, except that I was so lousy at maths that I couldn't get the answer for most of the sums I was doing. And I thought that integration was a lot easier than differentiation. Hmph. Hannah and I tried to dethrone Brandon as the Maths Pro by asking Marcus for help and boycotting him, but in the end, we had to concede that he really is good at maths.
I'm glad that Brandon told me to stop teasing/ insulting him and the others, and I appreciate it. I can get carried away, by my natural sarcastic puns which I can't resist saying because well, sigh I don't know. But I'll try to be mindful of my words, think before I speak and tame my tongue. Then again, Brandon didn't seem very tactful when he said this to Hannah: Are you very stressed? You have pimples popping up all over the place. Then we all went, "Crucify him! He should be crucified!" Well, it was all in good fun. Today, Brandon and I both learnt a lesson each (:
Whee, wrote a record of two songs today! Wrote another one last midnight. It came to me while I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth. Today, I was playing the piano in the school foyer and managed to scribble down the melody when the inspiration came. And just now after my jog, while I was figuring out that melody on the piano, another song was created! God is AMAZING. So now I have 5 songs by my name (: Hope I can continue to write songs like that, with this frequency. Bro. Victor heard me play the piano in PJ one night after cell and he asked me to join the worship ministry. I was of course elated, but at the same time so unsure of myself because I wasn't that good. Oh wells, if Bro. Victor can go from tone-death to song-writer, worship leader, keyboard player, guitar player, drummer extraordinaire, I can too (: It's the heart that counts and I believe with God's musical annointing, which I can already feel flowing through my veins, will help me to learn fast and then start serving Him really soon! I'm so excited.
But first, I have to clear the hurdle of the EOYs. It's late so I shall go now. Will post some great songs I've heard recently.
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Thursday, August 11, 2005
-5:42 pm
I will not be blogging for the next three weeks.
EOYs are around the corner and I seriously need to stop slacking or going online and start studying for them. Yes, I admit, blogging is addictive, and so is MSN messenger. But like the Bible says, there is not such thing as a temptation we cannot resist. God has and will provide a way for me to stand up under it (:
For everyone out there who are mugging for the prelims and Os, here are some verses to encourage you:
"Be still, and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." -1 Corinthians 10:13
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." -James 1:5-8
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." - James 1:12
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." -2 Timothy 1:7
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." -Hebrews 10:23
Stay focused! ;)
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Wednesday, August 10, 2005
-11:34 pm
Have I ever mentioned that I hate feeling angsty? Neither do I like writing about angsty stuff. Ucks. But I can't help it, some days I do feel that way- downright crummy. I just want the ground to swallow me up, to disappear down a dark hole and never have to face anyone else ever again. Well, at least I get it out of my system (or at least try to). Sometimes I tend to exaggerate things a little so don't get too worried about me. It's for dramatic effect (: -big grin- Or maybe not. Well, Paul did say to throw off all entanglements like sin, hurts and stuff, and run the race marked out for us. So I will. It's all in God's hands now.
I Surrender All by Clay Crosse
I have wrestled in the darkness of this lonely pilgrim land
Raising strong and mighty fortresses that I alone command
But these castles I've constructed by the strength of my own hand
Are just temporary kingdoms on foundations made of sand
In the middle of the battle I believe I've finally found
I'll never know the thrill of victory 'til I'm willing to lay down
All my weapons of defence and earthly strategies of war
So I'm laying down my arms and running helplessly to Yours
I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow costs me everything
I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrifice requires
That all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all
If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain
If I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain
If the focus of my vision is the status I attain
My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain
So I lay aside these trophies to pursue a higher crown
And should You choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay down
I surrender all the triumph for it's only by Your grace
I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise
Everything I am, all I've done, and all I've known
Now belongs to You, the life I live is not my own
Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacrificial fire
If all I have is all that You desire
I surrender all
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-7:22 pm
Word of God Speak
by Big Daddy Weave
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say
[Chorus]
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak
I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice
[Chorus 2x]
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
[click on the song on the radio.blog to listen]
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-6:36 pm
I really hate myself for some of the things I do at times.
Whenever I try to tactful, I just unconsciously end up hurting others even more. I've messed up many more times than I've successfully resolved matters.
Maybe I should just stop trying. Just do what I want. Not care anymore because it just doesn't pay to be kind (or at least when I to be considerate). Everything is just wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong, helplessly wrong. I'm annoyed, confused, hurt, angry, sad, apologetic. I just feel like screaming right now. Yelling all my frustration out of the window.
I wish I could turn back time.
It's so hard to stay sane. Caught in the middle. Pulled in two opposite directions. You probably think I'm not being fair to you, that it's really worse for you. Well, perhaps. I'm just a lousy friend, a selfish ignorant fool who can't do anything right. I'm really not worth your time, not worth your friendship, not worthy of giving you advice anymore.
I'm ashamed of myself.
Am I that hopeless? That I can't even manage a simple friendship? God please tell me what I should do. Perhaps it's better if we just don't talk to each other anymore. I started out trying to help him/her. But I've hurt him/her more than any other person he/she knows, I think. If he/she is better off without me, so be it. Yea, maybe that's the way things should be.
So long, goodbye.
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Tuesday, August 09, 2005
-3:55 pm
What can I say? FOP totally rocked! Literally, too with thousands of believers jumping for Jesus! (: There's so much to talk about, I just don't know where to start. Ok, so here's a belated recount in chronological order...
*Who were there: Sandra, Shuang, Amanda, Dinesh, Jon, Nicholas, Marcus Lim, Felix, Jian Yang, Ben, Gabriel, Charles, Jeanette Lek.
Sunday, 2.50pm at Kallang MRT station:
Arrived a little earlier than the meeting time at 3pm. Met Dinesh who was waiting near the control station and we went to the longkang near the back of the station to meet Sandra and Shuang. After Amanda arrived, we then decided to split up- half of us would wait for the rest while the other half would queue first- because the sheer number of people arriving at the station obviously for FOP was unnerving. We didn't want to take the chance. So Sandra and Shuang left for the stadium while the rest of us waited. Nicholas was really late and when we called him at about 3.20, he was still at the bus stop at his house! How fabulous. So we trooped off to the stadium first.
We took a looonnnggg walk to the stadium and almost went the wrong way because Dinesh wasn't sure of where he was going. Some very clever people wore dark/black shirts *coughcoughmarcusandgabriel* so they were nicely roasting in the afternoon sun. We started queueing at about four plus, and we were one of the earlier ones so we got the sit in the shaded bridge/walkway thing.
Thankfully, Sandra brought her guitar! So I spent most of the waiting time fooling around with it. Sandra concluded that I have perpetually itchy fingers (: Played my song, which Sandra thought was pitched too high and other Christian songs which I figured out by hearing. It was sooo fun. Some were studying (wow) and others were playing bridge.
.
.
.Waited,
.
. and waited some more
.
.
.
Went in at about 6.30. We got pretty good seats thanks to Andre and company. If only the whole Passion! gang wore our army green t-shirts.
The opening was awesome, majestic, and I remembered that I saw a video of that when I was serving two weeks ago. We started out with Salvation is Here, which got everyone on their feet and dancing. Praise and worship was really just... indescribably beautiful. But somehow I felt distracted. I just couldn't tune in with God like the way I did during the ignyte conference. Yes, I knew that God's presence was there and all but no matter how hard I tried to focus, I just couldn't enter that inner sanctuary where I could meet God face to face. But still, the atmosphere was electrifying.
I loved what the Delirious frontman said which goes like something along the lines of: All the streams must flow as one river. We cannot be flowing as separate rivers, oh no. All of God's people from all nations and denominations must unite as one mighty army of Christ, and praise Him in one voice for He is the one true God.
Then he asked us to hold hands all across the stadium and dance! That moment when the whole stadium erupted with singing, jumping with hands held together and raised up high is one I'll never forget. They brought out little kids onto the stage who also held hands and hopped up and down. They were so cute (: One blond little boy decided that he was tired so he plomped himself down on the floor and refused to get up.
I also fell in love with the song Emmanuel.
Emmanuel, Jesus Christ
You'll never let me go
My shepherd King, You're watching over me
Emmanuel, Emmanuel
Though some of the songs were new to me, I caught on pretty quickly.
Tell the world that Jesus lives
Tell the world that, tell the world that
Tell the world that He died for them
Tell the world that He lives again
C'mon c'mon we'll tell the world about YOU!
Whoohoo! YEA! Wished brandon, hannah and the rest of cell 3 '04 were there. We would have screamed the house down. We wanted to shout encore and chant "one way!" *clapclapclap* to get the band to play it for us. But I left earlier after singing History Maker because Amanda's dad was here to pick us up. Overall, it was an amazing night. It's just awesome to see so many people praising God all in one place.
I remember the altar call too. What Darlene said touched many hearts, I believe, but more so, it was God who was moving pre-believers to take that step of faith and go to the altars to receive Christ. We believers just started praying in the spirit for those who didn't know God to get saved. It was unbelievable. I saw people just running to the altars. I've never seem so many come to know Christ at one time. The altars were so packed that they had to push back the front row seats. Praise God for the wonderful harvest! I was so heartened by it.
And indeed, we were going to paint this big ol' town red and rattle the rusty gates of hell with our prayers and praises. I bet we were causing earthquakes and tornadoes in hell, with Satan trembling in his pants! Haha (:
Can you hear the footsteps of God?
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Monday, August 08, 2005
-10:40 pm
Why can't you stop blaming me?
Picking on my every move, my every word
Pouncing upon every innocent mistake
As though it's life and death
But it's NOT.
Why can't you chill out?
Your wrath rousing every single time
I say the seemingly wrong thing
Though I meant every word I said
But it's too bad you won't listen.
Why can't you believe in me?
Shredded confidence blown away
By the winds of unwarranted criticism
Biting sarcasm I try to reject
But it's too late, I'm already hurt.
Why can't you let go?
As a bird leaves its nest
So I must too fly
The world's calling me
But my wings are crippled.
I know you care, still.
But Daddy I'm not your little girl anymore.
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Sunday, August 07, 2005
-1:18 pm
You Are My Everything
Verse 1:
I feel the loneliness at night
Seeping through my heart
Tears welling up inside
Hurts, anger I have kept so long
Hope seems far away
I’m falling through the darkness
Pre-chorus:
But I hear a soft voice calling
Draw me into His sanctuary
Where my Father holds me in His arms
And wipes away my tears
Chorus:
I sing this song
To the Everlasting God
Whose presence I adore
Who healed the wounds within me
I live to sing His song
As I’m praying all night long
His love I feel abound
His light guides my path
So I will sing
For Lord You are my everything
Verse 2:
Sometimes I don’t know what to do
Looking for the answers
To silent whispered questions
I walk the journey by myself
Falling time and time again
I’m crumbling from inside
(Pre-chorus)
(Chorus)
I'm unable to upload the clip I recorded on the mp3 player so I guess you guys can't hear the tune. >.< Meanwhile I shall try to find another way to upload it.
3comments
Thursday, August 04, 2005
-8:06 pm
The Rose(by Bette Midler)
Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower, and you it's only seed.
It's the heart, afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance.
It's the dream, afraid of waking, that never takes a chance.
It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give.
And the soul, afraid of dyin', that never learns to live.
When the night has been too lonely, and the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows,
Lies the seed, that with the sun's love, in the spring becomes The Rose.
2comments
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
-9:57 am
I'm at a loss on what to do.
To know that your friend hurts, silent tears welling up inside, threatening to drown her fragile heart, already broken countless time before. Yet, she remains somewhat numb, immune to the concern of the people around her, not revealing what was behind that internet smokescreen of the impersonal chat window, the never-ending struggles she faces. She feels uncomfortable, out of sorts, out of place but she doesn't know why.
She has never let the wounds heal completely. Before the scabs could form, they were torn apart again, inflicting excruciating pain. Now she is afraid, afraid to trust, afraid to love. A brave facade she would put on, yet I know that deep down inside, there was something that is ready to give, like a rickety scaffold about to collapse under the collective weight of a ton of bricks, figurative baggage she doesn't need to carry on her own. Nights, she would try to untangle the emotional mess inside her, but only to end up more confused and in turmoil than ever before.
She hears but does not listen, she sees but does not understand.
Perhaps this might describe it better: read [
a vision]
Won't you let Him hold your hand?
If We are the Bodyby Casting Crowns
It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in
trying to fade into the faces
the girls' teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
farther than they know, Lord
Chorus:
But if we are the body
why arent His arms reaching
why arent His hands healing
why arent His words teaching
and if we are the body
why arent His feet going
why is His love not showing them there is a way
there is a way
A traveler is far away from home
he sheds his coat
and quietly sinks into the back row
the weight of their judgemental glances tell him that his chances
are better out on the road
CHORUS
But if we are the body
why arent His arms reaching
why arent His hands healing
why arent His words teaching
and if we are the body
why arent His feet going
why is His love not showing them there is a way
Jesus paid much too high a price
for us to pick and choose who should come
and we are the body of Christ
Chorus (2x)
But if we are the body
why arent His arms reaching
why arent His hands healing
why arent His words teaching
and if we are the body
why arent His feet going
why is His love not showing them there is a way
Jesus is the way
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Monday, August 01, 2005
-8:59 pm
Ultimate punch line of the weekend: He's too man for me!
http://allforyou.multiply.com/video/item/2
Here's a hilarious video of Charles doing a forfeit because he became a 3rd level pig. The ultimate forfeit thought up by yours truly! (Consider this a fair warning, don't mess with me or you'll pay dearly for it when we play truth or dare... haha) He's a girl trying to decide what to wear for graduation prom, how to do her hair, what shoes to wear, how to do her make up and whom she should date. I'm supposed to be his girl friend.
If I didn't know better, I'd think his lines were all scripted. haha (: Have fun laughing your head off at his impromptu humour!
Transcript of the video because the sound isn't very clear:
Charles: I cannot be a girl lah, I'm too man already.
Me: Yea right. What are you wearing for prom night?
Charles: I don't know what to wear lah...
Me: Ok, (how about) a Chanel dress?
Charles: Ok. You know what I want to wear? A Chanel. [complete with a flick of his wrist]
Me: Where are you going to do your hair and make up?
Charles: By you.
[laughter]
Me: Oh really? What if I mess it up?
Charles: It doesn't matter. [again complete with a flick of his wrist]
[laughter]
Charles: You laughing at me ah? [sobs] Aiyah, ok.
Me: What are you covering those beautiful feet of your with?
Charles: They're already beautiful enough.
[laughter]
Me: So... Has any guy asked you out yet?
Charles: Oh I know! There's a guy, so handsome you know, what's his name? Charles ah.
Me: Really? [raises eyebrows] What do you like about him?
Charles: HE'S TOO MAN FOR ME.
[peals of laughter with people like Brandon rolling about on the floor]
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