lifesong
Everyone needs compassion
Love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Saviour
The hope of nations
Saviour, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender
Shine your light in
Let the whole world see
We're singing, for the glory
Of the risen King
Jesus, Shine your light in
Let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory
Of the risen king
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
-8:36 pm
It has come to the time of the year where elections for CCA and house is taking place before the Sec. 4s step down. Let me recount one of my worse dilemmas regarding my commitment to the board and CCA as well. It really didn't help when CCA elections came earlier than the board's. I had so much trouble deciding whether to run for chair and in the end, I asked for treasurer/ welfare. And guess what I got; treasurer! I'm sure Ms. Chia sorta messed the votes around so that I wouldn't get chair. Got quite a scare though, after elections when Mary told me that most of the lower sec. pple voted me for chair.
That night was the most nightmarish one in the whole history of my life (well a short 15 years at least). Besides getting scolded (definition: totally morally humiliated) by Ms. Chia for screwing up S4 farewell big time, guess what happened next? I LOST MY HANDPHONE! For the second time in two months. Okay I suppose it was entirely my fault because on that friday (too bad it wasn't the 13th), I was rather stressed and light-headed. I was definitely running around like a "headless cockroach" (credit Ms. Chia for this wonderful illustration) and misplaced my handphone (I think I left it on the ledge on the 3rd level after rehearsal). It was a weekend of utter depression and turmoil. I just couldn't believe smth like that would happen to me. I was kinda mad at God as well I suppose. However, it taught me an important lesson to pray and trust in God for miracles because I managed to get my phone back after countless nights of worrying who could have gotten their hands on it. Thank God for the kind soul of Louelle Teo from Sec. 404 who passed my handphone to the General Office when she found it on that fateful friday. I didn't know this until the following tuesday so when Dad found out that Ms. Christina had the phone (in between geog lessons), I was sooooo overwhelm with relief and joy! The first thing I did was to thank God and to really repent for blaming God for my own carelessness.
Okay, back to my main focus: elections. Anyways, then came board elections. I really went into GM nominating who I thought would be best suited for the job. Even then, I did not even give a thought about me getting through to being HP nominee. I thought that I certainly wasn't good enough for the job; who would vote me anyways? But it always seems like the more you want something, you don't get it. When you don't think too much about it, God will reward you with it. This was how I became one of the 10 HP nominees. I was so surprised when Junli presented me with the form. Later on, I found out that Karwei and Juliet also got the nomination form. That meant that 3 out of the 4 prefects in our class, 311, were HP nominees. At that moment, nothing could be more perfect.
But then, I started feeling rather unsettled about it. I was doubting my ability to cope with such a huge responsibility. My troubled past last year made me reconsider my capacity for more commitments. Much as I would love to serve, with burning passion and drive, something held me back. I was not entirely happy. That night, I went home and spoke to my mom. Her first reaction was "Oh no, please not again." She then gave me this lengthy pep talk about how I should not "bu zi liang li", meaning over-estimate myself. Something she said really struck me. She told me that she didn't want me to become a somebody, but lose a daughter in the process. At the present, I was already so busy with things that she hardly saw me. Upon retrospection, I realised that whatever little time I had, I should put it in a better place like family and church, instead of pursuing worldly titles. Then, I made a decision not to run and went to sleep in peace.
The next morning, I spoke to my dad. He encouraged me to run, only if I felt confident to. He shared his experience as a vice-head prefect in secondary school and said he felt very fufilled doing it. Internal conflict ensued as I struggled to decide whether to follow my heart (run), or follow my mind (not to run).
I sought God, yet everything remained so grey. I asked Dad how do we discern God's plan for us and he said, the most important thing is whether you feel peace in making the right decision. If there is no peace, then that is the wrong road to take. Even when I reached school with my empty HP nominee form, I was still undecided. Jing and Rachel both weren't running and I wondered if I was too selfish in not running either. But then I thought, let my more capable batchmates run. I went to Junli and told her about my not running. Only at that point did the whole brevity of my decision hit me. Tears streamed down my face as I struggled to let go of what I had dreamt of since Sec. one. It seemed like deja vu after almost quitting board last year. I realised that I really loved the board, and wanted to serve, but that was out of my limits. I started to reconsider my decision after seeing my batchmates encourage me. I felt so bad to let them down. But then, halfway through Math lessons as I was silently pondering my decision, a song that I had been listening to from the WOW Worship CD struck me:
"Give us clean hands, give us pure hearts,
let us not lift our souls to another.
Oh God let us be, a generation that seeks
Seeks your face, O God of Jacob.
Oh God let us be, a generation that seeks
Seeks your face, O God of Jacob."
Then, I felt a strong conviction to want to stand in the gap for God; running for HP isn't everything in life, and should not be my focus at this time. I wanted to live, to live for God in serving people, in putting my family first before school. It was the point of no return after I settled my decision, but I finally felt the peace of God that transcends all human understanding guard my mind and heart in Christ Jesus. I knew my calling, and that I've made the right choice.
This happened last week. After making clear my priorities and seeking God in whatever decision I make, everything began to fall into place. This week has been a marvellous week and I definitely feel God's favour shining on me. I pray that my friend, if you are reading this, that you will also seek God's will in your life, align yourself to God, and you will lead a more fufilled and purposeful life. Remember, the story of "footprints in the sand".
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, You said that once I decided to follow you, You'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
The Lord replied, "My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I Carried You."
God bless you.
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