lifesong
Everyone needs compassion
Love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Saviour
The hope of nations
Saviour, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender
Shine your light in
Let the whole world see
We're singing, for the glory
Of the risen King
Jesus, Shine your light in
Let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory
Of the risen king
Friday, April 29, 2005
-9:50 pm
This past month (or rather 3 weeks?) have been rough. It's a real big hurricane I'm facing now and somehow I feel... just like a rag doll being tossed around in the open sea, floundering helplessly, desperately wanting to get out but I don't know how. Though I've kinda been through this before but somehow this time it's different. Ok I know I'm not supposed to think negatively. One way: God. I really feel that God is speaking to me abt so much during this time. Being real vague here. Hm... let's just say that I've learnt a lot. The time I've spent at home recovering, frankly was kinda boring, I missed school though I should be taking the time to unwind. But I really spent sooooo much time thinking about different issues (I really wanna just tell my brain to shut up and switch off so that I can go to sleep in peace but it's just real hard). Not that it's impossible. What is impossible with man is possible with God. And I'll need to pick up myself again (with God's strength definitely) after I've fallen. This whole episode really made me question how I've been living this whole year, ever since that time in sec 2. Have I really grown closer to God? Where was I in terms of my relationship with God? I feel that I have failed to hear and heed a lot of what the Spirit said. I put academic pursuits of such high priority (unconsciously) that life wasn't really enjoyable anymore. I know I always appear OK to people, like what my friends and teachers says, cheerful, strong, encouraging. But deep inside I guess there were many unresolved issues, and I chose to run away/ push them aside because I didn't want to face it. I denied that I was feeling stressed though I was. And things just built up to such a point where I just didn't know what to do anymore. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and fall into God's arms again. I felt so far away from God, because I have gone so long running on my own fuel, that I forgot that God was my only source of strength, my Shepherd, my provider, my everything. The more I tried to pick myself up and move on, the more I stumbled because I went further away from God, further away because I chose to rely on myself, clutching on so tightly to my studies instead of letting GO and letting GOD take over. Which made things very much worse. That was pride. Human pride. Self-reliance (and what I call plain stupidity because we were made to rely on God). It's so easy to get sucked into the whirlwind of rgs life. It's like a breeding ground for people to forget that God's the big fella up there who created everything, to lose sight of the fact that our lives were redeemed by His blood, and that He's our Master. I ignored the warning signs though they were all too familiar to me. I told myself I could, I WILL go on. So God had to bring me back to the point where I could see where I went wrong, where I went off the track (albeit again). I had to die to the rights to my life all over again, to say "not my will but Yours be done". I kept blaming myself (I still am but am learning to accept the consequences and to see things from diff. perspectives).
Pastor Bea's sermon last saturday was God speaking plain and clear to me. I knelt at the altars and wept like crazy. I repented for I knew that I had sinned. I believed and relied too much in myself and not enough in Him. As one can probably see from my past posts preceding this, it's all worrying abt school work and stuff, and I can just trace that spiral that got me to where I am... My life was just school, home, school work, sleep (very little of it), and with meals squeezed in between. Not very healthy in hindsight. Funny I couldn't see that I was setting myself up for trouble. And I could see how the enemy wore me down, day by day, when at night my mind would be not just tired, but so worn out that my feeble attempts to ward off the arrows of deception in the form of worries and anxieties failed. I wasn't spiritually strong enough. The attack was subtle, but yet enough to make me fall because I wasn't alert. And I realised that had I used the word of God, sharper than any double-edged sword to counter it, knowing that I had the authority as God's child, the devil would flee! Instead of panicking that I couldn't sleep, I could have sat up and PRAYED! That would be real power and have saved me sooooo much pain and trouble (except that I failed to see it).
Anw, I'm getting myself out of the rut, and slowly learning to stand up again. I gotta learn how to look back and laugh at myself, taking things not too hard but not too easy either, and learn to say NO sometimes (yes being too helpful can be your downfall!). Gotta find a BALANCE and avoid expectations. It's gonna take time, effort, and lots of patience but I'm determined to rise up on eagle wings! I really now understand the psalmist's heart when he wrote stuff like Psalms 31, 37 and 139 (my fav). *The JOY of the Lord shall be my STRENGTH! I've got to go back to the basics. And that means to go back to God and His word. To stop feeling messed up, be strong, take heart, have faith and wait for the Lord. Be still and know that He is God. Jeremiah 29:11 goes "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE." Since all of my days are already ordained in His book before even one came to be, why worry what tomorrow will bring? Really, all I have are God's promises. And His grace is sufficient for me for His power is made perfect in my weakness. And hence I am "boasting" about my weakness, like what Paul said in 2 Corinthians about the thorn in his flesh, so that others will know of God's power and goodness. And I really thank God for caring and understanding teachers, classmates, batchmates (Fianza I love you), friends (suat!), PARENTS, siblings and my family in church! They really made a difference in how I dealt with myself.
"I love You Lord. And I'll never fail to remember Your word again. For I know that once I commit my ways to You, You will guide my steps. And that PEACE that transcends all understanding will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. I thank You and praise You, in Jesus' most almighty name I pray, amen."
1comments
1 Comments
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at 1:22 pm
JOANE ADELPHIE ; said...
hey michelle read the blog.. now realise you been very stress.. hope i never make you stress.. always noe god her.. and even your friend,pastor and adult..ok.. alwyas trust god.. amen.. luv ya..
shuang:)