lifesong
Everyone needs compassion
Love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Saviour
The hope of nations
Saviour, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender
Shine your light in
Let the whole world see
We're singing, for the glory
Of the risen King
Jesus, Shine your light in
Let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory
Of the risen king
Sunday, September 18, 2005
-4:36 pm
Notice how Willy Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory had trouble saying the word "parents"? He always stuttered and just couldn't get it out of his mouth. I have no qualms pronouncing "parents" but I can't seem to figure out why I'm always at loggerheads with them.
I think my biggest struggle right now is my relationship with my parents. It has been one of the longest unresolved issues in my life and I feel that God wants me to resolve it because somehow, it's affecting my walk with Him. The whole thing's rather complicated. The bottom line is that my parents just don't trust me. We always have differing points of view.
They think I'm going out too often when I seldom go out by normal standards, maybe at most once a week, and sometimes I don't even go out during the week, unless you count church. It was only during the week after exams did I go out twice. And already they were making so much noise about it. Even during the exam period, my mother had issues with me going out to study with friends from church. What's more ridiculous is that my dad thought that I have a boyfriend and I'm lying to them to cover up going out for double or triple dates with friends. What is this? They obviously don't know me well enough to trust that I won't get involved in such things.
My take on it is that they feel insecure. I guess it's natural for them to worry about me because I'm the eldest, the first child going through teenage years, I'm a girl and I've faced stress problems before so they think I can't take care of myself. I know that they love me and are doing all these out of concern. But really, I feel that they're overprotective/ too controlling. They don't realise that I'm growing up and I need the space, the freedom. They even object to me closing my room door when I have tawg or just need some time to myself. I mean, where can I go when I just need a good cry and be alone? I can't be in my room with the door wide open and people popping in and out.
They're really unreasonable sometimes. They tend to pick on the littlest things I do, like pasting a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door when I needed the quiet. Sometimes I just don't understand why they are so uptight, especially my dad. In reprimanding me, he's the one whose words and look can kill. He doesn't condemn the action but attacks you as a person, shreds your self-esteem and makes you feel reduced to the algae at the bottom of the pond- useless and inferior. I always feel maligned when he scolds me.
I often get angry and struggle to contain my outburst because I know it'll just make the situation worse. Sometimes my meek defense is taken as rebellion and disrespect. I can't never reason with him or explain myself so what's the point of trying? Even if he listens, he takes it the wrong way. So I just keep quiet and try to bear with it. Then after that, I would go to my room and let the tears flow freely, or rant or pray or just worship God, surrendering my feelings to Him.
He doesn't know that the words he uses hurt. They hurt and they leave a scar. I might seem okay on the outside but those flaming arrows do big time internal damage emotionally. Sometimes I get to the point where I don't care anymore. I'm numb. I just shut out the angry tirade and focus on calming myself down before I explode and do myself and others irrevocable damage. It's really hard. And I get so tired very often. Supressing your emotions before they boil to the surface is draining. It's stifling, all these restrictions. Like a spring, the more one is being restricted, the more one yearns for freedom and the more one would rebel. I know I won't rebel, but there's only so much I can take.
What happened to the command, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children"?
But then again, I guess I'm at fault too. Being hot-tempered, I sometimes lose control and say things which aren't respectful to them, or slam the door a little too hard. The more they scold me, the more I run away from them, preferring to stay in my room or go out instead of talking to them or being at home. To me, I need an escape. Sometimes, I need to walk away in the middle of an argument or scolding in order not to blow up or maintain my cool. There isn't any other way. But they take all these as rebellion. I hardpressed on all sides, what do you expect me to do?
Break free.
Run away.
Leave behind everything and just walk away.
But I know I can't, I won't. Because as much as they are frustrating and unreasonable, God still commands us to honour our parents. So I will honour them. But there is a difference between honouring out of duty, and honouring out of sincere love and respect. I want to move from the former to the latter. God will you please help me? It's so hard when faced with accusations which I know aren't true but they believe it is. Yet, I will try. So they can't say that I didn't. As long as I try, it doesn't matter if I fall short.
Or does it?
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