Everyone needs compassion
Love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me

Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Saviour
The hope of nations

Saviour, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

Shine your light in
Let the whole world see
We're singing, for the glory
Of the risen King
Jesus, Shine your light in
Let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory
Of the risen king

michelle
psalms 27:4
RJC Humans
IGNYTE, Trinity@PL
child of God

-11:19 pm

Chinese AOs is in 3 days.

I can't say that I've properly started studying but I have made some progress. Part of me wants to say, "It's just Chinese. Anyways, you can't really study for a language paper. Even if you can, it's only 15% of the paper." But the more sensible Michelle says, "It's the last stretch. After dropping HCL to take normal in Sec. 4 and this entire year of hard work, I can't let myself get anything less than an A." It's always a tug-of-war. Rationalising and procrastination versus diligent action.

No. I cannot let history (or economics- the blemish of my promo results) repeat itself.

But I do find myself busier now after promos than before. I have indeed been spending more time doing church-related things like planning for Christmas and helping the P6s transit into IGNYTE. But God has repeatedly reminded me to not be consumed with the "doing", like Martha was in Luke 10. We are human beings after all, not human doings. It's easy to get into the thick of things and lose myself in busyness trying to complete task after task- Being Under Satan's Yoke.

I dreamt last night about some friends and myself trying to swim across a sea or some other body of water. It's all pretty fuzzy now but I remember there was a whirlpool in the middle of the sea. We were all trying to avoid it as we swam past but somehow we lost sight of two persons. We feared that they came too close to the whirlpool and got sucked in. I can't quite recall the rest but I just realised how appropriate the whirlpool describes the danger of becoming too busy. The ultimate whirlpool of activity churns on and on perennially. Along the way as we try to reach our destination, we will meet with this whirlpool. If we get too close, even to just the edge of it, we get sucked right in and that's the end.

Busyness is a ploy of the enemy to distract us from the goal in this race. Even ministry itself can become a consolidation of mere tasks, chores to complete, one after another. But what we're dealing with here are lives- real people with needs, feelings and dreams. It's a vision we're sowing into, His kingdom we're establishing. I constantly remind myself not to be so task-oriented, because the focus is not on the work but on the One who has called us to this, and the purpose He has for whatever we're planning or doing. To strive for a cause and not know what you're working for is one of the biggest failures one can sustain.

God often reminds me: serving Him is not about the doing nor the work itself but the heart. God doesn't require the work of our hards nor our mindless toil just to meet a certain need. Besides, what is most essential in life? Bustling about, so obsessed with to-do lists, attending to things that seem urgent? Or sitting at Jesus' feet like Mary did, still and truly listening to His teachings?

I often find myself struggling to strike a balance, to be still and listen more than do what I have committed to do. Hearing from God is so important and right now, that's all that I want. I so desperately need His rhema word. The logos is not enough. That's why I'm feeling kind of dry right now. I need a revelation. I need an answer. I need God. So very badly.
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-10:49 pm


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-4:02 pm

It's funny how distrust can be perceived both ways when either accuses the other of suspicious behaviour and illegitimate activity. Oh the irony, when it is he who does not realise that the distrust is one sided.

And it does not lie with me.

I have discovered by trial and error that speaking the truth before nonchalantly complying to the ridiculous terms of the irrational one is the best line of defence. Or attack. (Developing a survival mechanism is absolutely necessary under circumstances in which one comes under fire ever so often.) Once the other party realises how unfounded and silly his claims are, he will naturally back down. So far, it has worked for me- twice. It's better than trying to defend myself. Saying it as it is if one has a clear conscience seems to be the only way to help a delusional someone see that I have nothing to hide.

But distrust, once revealed to the party in question in an accusatory tone, is damaging to a relationship, even if it is consequently cleared. The fact that someone does not trust me shows a lack of understanding of the person that I am. It hurts, especially if you trusted that person to know what you're like. I'd think, "He should know me better than that."

But then again, misunderstandings are as common as the grass that grow by the sidewalk. Rather, they are more like weeds, choking relationships with a parasitic glee, causing amity to crumble into wary misgivings. Once a relationship is caught in the vice-like grip of distrust, its gnarled fingers choke off honest communication and clarity, leaving the rapport to eventually waste away. Distrust feeds on suspicion, which in turn is generated by the very fuel of doubt and fear. It is a self-perpetuating problem that compounds itself with no help from you whatsoever. That is, if nothing is done to stop or altogether prevent it.

That is why I build hedges around the relationships that matter to me, the people whom I love. I will not allow the enemy to gain a foothold by driving in the wedge of distrust, nor permit the seeds of bitterness to take root and grow. Even God-centered relationships are susceptible, though I know for a fact that perfect love i.e. God's way, will help remove the unnecessary burden of paranoia and baseless speculations.

But when all else fails, I'll say it as it is. If one chooses to not believe me, there is nothing more I can do. As long as I know that my ways are right before God, I shall fear the groundless indictment of no man, nor the scheming devil himself. "Take that, you oaf," I'd laugh in his face as he stares, incredulous, caught off guard by the unexpected defeat.

I saw that coming. Too bad for you.
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-8:41 pm

Michelle, stop being so melodramatic.

It was worth it yesterday rushing for dinner at gran's after Z1 service before rushing back to church for fuel, by bus (i.e. the slow 165), all within the space of less than two hours. I tried to help her in the kitchen, pathetically attempted to speak to her in my broken Hokkien and enthusiastically exclaimed how delicious her food was (I wasn't being patronising- it really was sumptuous) while stuffing myself with her wonderful homecooked salted veg fried rice. I know it sounds eww- I had my reservations too at first- but it's really good.

I've been learning Hokkien for her sake. She frequently laments that young people nowadays do not know how to speak dialects. So I've been earnestly trying to learn from her, so that I'll be able to communicate with her, and eventually, be able to share the gospel in Hokkien. That day will be one of the biggest milestones in my life. (: So far, my efforts have earned her approval, I'm glad to note.

To be able to say something and see her smile in response is the best thing really. Her smile made my day. Even though she was sort of grumpy and aching from the rheumatism in her legs, I was glad I sat down with her and tried to cheer her up. Somehow, I feel strangely accomplished whenever I manage to elicit even the faintest of smiles from her. Her smiles make me feel so happy. On the outside, she's all tough and independent but I know deep down inside, she's lonely and longs for the company of loved ones.

I love my grandma. And I want so much for her to know God's love. But she's really embittered and has a grudge against Christianity and the Church in general. It's a long story that took an hour to unfold as she confided in me her grievances. I tried my best to explain things to her. Still, deeply entrenched mindsets and resentment stand in the way.

But I know, in time, God will draw all men to Himself. I pray it'll be soon though, because I don't know how much longer she has left.

It's not the words, not the skills, not the musician nor the music, but the heart that makes true worship.
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-10:53 pm

What a relief. Thank God for answering my prayer. Though it might sting for a while, but there really isn't any other way it can be done. Effectively.

But I wish it were a clean cut. Like, you know, complete dissociation. Like ionization. There's still lag time from now until the end of the year. It irks me. I still cringe whenever I think of it. The reminders just creep up most stealthily from behind me and catches me by surprise as I tersely battle it out of my mind.

I'll chastise myself: Stupid stupid stupid me.

What's done is done though. It's a new start. A fresh beginning. Out of sight, out of mind. (:

It's great to feel free. Free of burden, of baggage, of distractions. It's just me and Him and that's wonderful. I'm exhilarated, liberated, refreshed, renewed.

Hope I'm not committing the sacrilegious act of (unknowingly) using malapropisms. Well, at least it is one in Ms. Ng's book. I had fun during GP lesson today. Friendly competition is always good. *beams* At least we four girls beat the 6 (was it 5? or more?) guys.

By half a point.

Okay but still, we beat them. Hah.
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-9:09 pm

I don't want to be rejected silver. I want to be tested and proven pure and true, unlike the condition of the people's hearts as described in Jeremiah 6. I'll go through the fire; I will endure the heat and the pain, whatever it takes to refine me into a vessel worthy for His service. I want to be refined until His image is reflected in me, just as how the refiner sees his image reflected in the shiny surface of the gold or silver he polishes.

I will refine them like silver
and test them like gold.
They will call on my name
and I will answer them;
I will say, 'They are my people,'
and they will say, 'The LORD is our God.' "

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-10:08 pm

I guess nothing's more Michelle-ish than this Kisses from Heaven blogskin. Though the momentary change was rather refreshing, click-to-navigate blogskins are just not for me. And the tiny scroll-space (or whatever-you-call-it-in-web-terms) is definitely not suitable, given my tendency to write long and rambling posts.

Thank you, Sandra, for creating this layout.

Watched John Tucker Must Die yesterday with Candice, Brandon and Brian. If you're in for a mindless comedy and a good laugh (from an abundance of ribaldry and bold innuendos), then it's the show for you. I knew it was a trashy movie. But Brandon wanted to watch it. (I wonder why he'll want to watch a chick flick.) I'd rather watch Little Miss Sunshine but I didn't want to make things difficult for the rest of them. So I went with the flow. Can't say it was worth the money but oh well. It was funny and entertaining at least. The better part of our time was spent shopping! Candice and I walked around Far East and got pretty new earrings. (: She's a great shopping partner.

Spent the morning today in school with the guitar exco. I forsee busy weeks ahead with open house. The unfortunate part: slipped down some wet steps near the RI bus stop and cut my hand. Didn't realise it was bleeding until 10 minutes later when I wondered why it was stinging so badly. It formed an ugly wound that has slowly dried up into a thick brownish crust. But after I got it wet and soaked in the shower, it softened, cracked and is now oozing some clear, yellowish substance which mingles with the glistening red blood- and it hurts. Somehow though, it's not the only part of me that's bleeding.

Finished off Catherine Lim's The Bondmaid in the afternoon. She's got some bomb vocabulary. I still haven't gotten round to checking up the long list of words I wrote down, all of which she used in the book. She uses words like "insouciance/insouciant" and "obesiance" a lot. I think she's a fabulous writer, if you turn a blind eye to her trashy poetry in the Today paper. My next conquest would be Margaret Atwood's Life Before Man. It should be interesting, but hopefully not as disturbing or extreme as The Edible Woman. At least I'm getting somewhere with H3 lit and am enjoying it. (:

Then, I watched Love Actually. I borrowed it together with Must Love Dogs from the RJ library. I'm starting to appreciate the merits of our school library with it's rather palatable buffet of VCDs/DVDs available for loan. Think I was in the mood for romantic comedies. Love Actually was lovely (pun intended), though kind of confusing at first with so many seemingly unrelated threads of the plot developing simultaneously. But it made me feel somewhat wistful and perhaps too reflective.

But I'm glad the movie made me think, not only about romantic love, but all kinds of love- familial and platonic. Christmas is the season when you tell the truth, tell the people you love that you love them, even though it might be a crazy thing to do under certain circumstances. That was what the movie's convergent plot lines were all about. What's the price to pay for passion? Are you willing to take that risk?

Love actually, is all around.

I would believe so. But whether it is freely articulated or expressed, I am not so sure.

Nonetheless, one thing I know, is that the Father's love is wholly unconditional and unfailing, expressed in ways so tangible but often overlooked by our distracted eyes. We do not realise the largesse of it or look around for the little reminders of love He paints across the skies and the earth. Was reading the first few chapters of Jeremiah last night. His loving kindness was so undeniably palpable. His was more than willing to forgive Israel for their unfaithfulness if only they'd repent and return to Him. Despite their flagrant adultery, His words spoke of a longing for His children to see the error of their ways as He would welcome them home with loving arms wide open.

There's beggary in love that can be reckoned.

Indeed, His love for you and I is immeasurably greater than what we can ever imagine, to say the least.

Hm. I'm in a rather melancholic mood now. Wondering about the whys, hows and what ifs. Off I go, to write some letters that no one will ever read.
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